The Damned, Fools And The Little Fella
I WAS going to do an April Fool ready for this morning but then Sky Sports late night round-up revealed that poor shirt specialist Alan Shearer was set to salvage the status of our institutionally dysfunctional neighbours and I knew that any Teesside tease would be blown out of the water.
That news - suspiciously still unconfirmed as I write - led to yet another outbreak of Messiah mentalism and flip-flop waving outside the Strawberry - soon to be renamed the David Craig Arms - as hysterical striped hordes converged on their shrine to witness the white smoke, pausing only to drop off Wor Beardsley and Keegan at school and drop in at the bookies to put the holiday money on a winning next year's title. You can't top such willingness to collective swallow even the most preposterous and surreal situation and celebrate such gullibility worn as a badge of honour. So I shelved my own amateur jape.
For the record I was going to I was going to suggest that an audacious Boro bid to bring back Juninho had been scuppered by FIFA red tape. They had moved to sign him to solve the midfield creativity crisis because was available as a free agent - only to fall foul of the rules banning players for turning out for more than two teams in any one calendar year... we know the Little Fella has already played for Aussie side Sydney but unfortuantely he also played three games for Brazilian second division side Floprilao.
Not that Boro fans are ready to suspend disbelief when it comes to Juninho.
It was either that or Boro appointing experienced former Norway boss Olaf Lipor as director of football to mentor Gareth through the last few games. Older Gazette readers may remember that Lipor was linked with Boro back in 1992 when Lennie Lawrence made a club record £1m bid for the then teenage sensation, noteable for scoring with a header from the half way line and a middle name of Hickton because his dad had been a Boro barmy rig worker on shore leave in Stavanger.
If anyone has any good suggestions I am more than willing to bank them for next year.
Anyway, instead of a transparent hoax, here for your light entertainment is a preview of the summer's far reaching Boro post mortem into the "out of the blue" relegation struggle which was exclusively leaked to Richard Foy on Boro Banter.
Older/Newer
« One Lion, Three Stripes. | Bolton Basement Battle Pundits' Panel »
26 Comments
Leave a comment
Profile
Anthony Vickers
Keep up to date
Follow Untypical Boro on
AV:
Loved the front end your article.
Oddly enough, when I saw the article on the new Messiah appear late last night, it didnt occur to me that it could be an April Fool's story. But it did make me wonder if Boro were to go down the same route, who we would be able to call upon.
Apart from any red tape issues that may prrevent him being brought back in, I'm not convinced that Juninho would be as inspirational for Boro as Shearer MAY be for Newcastle. Shearer's a shrewd and strong manipulator and has a natural prickly authority about him. TLF is too "cuddly"!
Speaking of April Fools:
I laughed my socks off at the content and juxtaposition of the photo and the headline, in this morning's online Northern Echo! Alves seems to have got the joke!
http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/sport/football/middlesbrough/
I think the typesetters - or whatever they're called these days - at the Echo are taking the mick!
'TLF is too "cuddly"!'
On the other hand, and although he has the face of a troll, West Ham's pint-sized Latino manager and former midfield genius dosen't seeem to be making a bad job of it (especially since he got an experienced No.2 in Steve Clarke).
I have just spent 20 minutes watching on live TV as an ugly crowd of over-exciteable scruffy rowdies gather in pursuit of an unattainble pipe dream vision of the future.
Imagine my surprise to find it was being broadcast from the G20 demo in London and not Sid James Park!
You can laugh at our passion for our club all you like my Smoggie friends . It won’t be so funny for you when you have crowds of 12,000 against Doncaster. lol
It's nearin... the end of the campaign... when is the attackin football... Garth promised.... going to start
Sort your life out Lurker you nugget - 12,000 for a derby is good
Vic, Could you please consider not posting these wind up thread from geordie fans because the probability is that they are really Boro fans from other forums.
**AV writes: Yes, and possibly using fake names...
Shearer has been a thorn in the side of every Toon boss since his return to Tyneside. The proverbial in the woodpile (there must be an acceptable replacement for that turn of phrase!)
Quite why the blinkered idiots further north are so convinced that he couldn't possibly fail to be a brilliant manager is staggering. Many of the greatest players of all time have bombed dismally when promoted to the hot seat.
Shearer is not in that class but will still almost certainly fail - perhaps this is better news for every one else fighting the drop than for the Geordies - only time will tell.
But I reckon they are much more likely to go down now than they were yesterday.
Then who would they find to be the Messiah then?
What is the teams league record since we actually errected the Ayresome Park gates at the Riverside
As a Newcastle and Hartlepool supporter I read the Evening Chronicle and the Mail. As an ex-teacher in Middlesbrough I also take in the Gazette. After reading your article above I would have thought that a professional journalist like yourself would have a bit more 'class'.
What is it with you and your obssesion with Newcastle? What is it with Boro supporters and Newcastle? It seems a regular occurence in the Gazette, with you being the main culprit, to knock everything Newcastle and everything Geordie.
Reading the Chronicle on a regular basis I have never seen a bad word printed about Middlesbrough or their fans... read the Gazette and not a day passes without some backhanded jibe about Newcastle the City, the fans the football club. Seems to me there is one massive chip resting on the shoulder of Teesside. Anyway, rant over, hope we both stay up.
**AV writes: I have never said a bad word about Newcastle the city; I loved living there. And don't really say much about the team either. But let's be honest for a moment - this crazy soap opera spiral of heightened delusion and expectation followed by chaos into boardroom ineptitude and war with the crowd, of the basket case economics of the soaring wages and falling valuation, of the revolving door for managers and the lurching between pantomime villains and hysterical lauding of iconic saviours... it's all a bit embarrassing isn't it? It demands comment.
As we enter Spring yet another Managerial change for the Toon that now makes it Summer:Allardyce, Autumn:Keegan, Winter:Kinnear and Spring:Shearer, nothing if not seasonal!
More April Fool us all!
...Google Street View blamed for reports of Premiership footballers buying up all the chipboard, nails and gaffer tape they can lay their hands on... Car sticker company reports surprise increase in requests from Premiership footballers for previously unfashionable "My other car's a Lada" items... UK campsites report inundation of Premiership footballers booking summer pitches to show support for local economies... Long queue reported outside of Riverside ticket office after Season Ticket announcement - but strangely with its end in the car park and its start inside of official looking building next to old Borough Hotel...
Olaf Lipou yes I remember that one. And the other great Gazette spoof - Igor Cvitanovic.
A Tottenham Hotspur Fan .
Talking of April Fools - not that I'm pointing any fingers or mentioning any names, but - have any of you Boro fans began listing the biggest of them all's replacement yet! Surely 'Comical Ali' Gareth will finally be put out of his misery soon .
Fun and games as usual at Newcastle but I cant help thinking it might just be the trick they need to keep them up. Hope against hope we have a trick up our sleeves. As the weekend gets ever closer the nerves start to jangle.
Oh how I wish for some blind geordie faith.
I tell you what I wonder if the Shearer effect will be good for a few points for Newcastle. I just wish we had done something similar
I hear that Steve Bruce is cheesed off with one of his Egyptian strikers who has failed to report for training after the international break, Bruce is quoted as saying that the striker is the most unprofessional player he has ever worked with. The striker in question is not Mido so old Brucey may yet find the unprofessionalism he refers to is superceeded in the future!
The Gazette reports Boro have a dilemma about whether or not to start Tuncay against Bolton given he's just played two matches and will meet up with the squad in Bolton straight off the plane, surely there is no dilemma? If there is a doubt put him on the bench and play King and Alves up front. We must play with two up to put Bolton under some pressure and as a statement of intent.
My prediction is a 1-0 Boro win.
We are all having a good laugh at the Geordies, but will we all still be laughing if , (god forbid), this gamble actually pays off???
No matter what your opinion, you have to admit that at least they have done something to try & lift a very dejected crowd and group of players, and it could just be enough to get them those vital points they need.
What have we done?????
Sounds like GS has had one of them feelgood around the table input meetings with the squad.
GS: "What do you think we should do against Bolton lads,"
Marlon: "We should attack,attack boss"
Robert: "We should defend ,defend boss"
GS: "Im all confused lads you say attack,but when we let all them goals in ,you said defend,defend, Hold on,Ill go and talk to Steve,he might know what to do,OOPS, hes in a meeting with Roland Ugolini, thats worrying ive heard former stars with no experience are the flavour of the month right now, OOPS,was that Uwe Fuchs in the hallway... wheres the aspirin?"
On June the 7th 2006, Middlesbrough football club appointed Gareth Southgate as manager, despite the fact he had not gained the UEFA Pro Licence required under PL rules.
At the time, the League Managers Association (LMA) issued the following statement:
"The LMA is disappointed, but not surprised, that the FA Premier League board have once again chosen, as a matter of expediency, not to implement the League's own rule (Q4) in respect of mandatory qualifications."
"The decision does not sit comfortably with those managers who were told that if they did not achieve Pro Licence status prior to the 2003-04 season, they would not be allowed to manage in the Premiership and as a result applied themselves, in many cases at their own considerable expense, to obtain the required qualification."
On April the 2nd 2009, Newcastle United appointed Alan Shearer as manager, despite the fact he had not gained the UEFA Pro Licence required under PL rules.
The following statement was released to the press by the LMA just prior to confirmation of his appointment.
"I am delighted," Bevan told Sky Sports News. "We have the G20 leaders round the corner from here trying to boost the economy and Alan's appointment up in Newcastle will have a similar motivating effect.
"I am sure the Newcastle fans will be ecstatic. Alan went to Newcastle back in 1996," said Bevan. "303 games and 206 goals for Newcastle, he knows exactly what the fans need up there.
"Alan has his B licence and his A licence and is in communication with the FA over his pro license so there are no problems at all there.
"It is a very difficult place to manage and I am sure he will be supporting the existing management team there."
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE !!
When the Boro do it, the LMA fight tooth & nail to have him ditched, but when the Barcodes do it they are "delighted". Another case of Boronoia possibly, but the difference in attitude is there for all to see.
Oh cripes..... it's the return of Mary Poppins. That's it, we're doooooooooomed!!!
Time to man those barricades, Norms!
"As we enter Spring yet another Managerial change for the Toon that now makes it Summer:Allardyce, Autumn:Keegan, Winter:Kinnear and Spring:Shearer, nothing if not seasonal!"
Nice to see the usual non match attending posters on this blog spouting rubbish and getting their footballing facts wrong again. Never mind eh!
"When the Boro do it, the LMA fight tooth & nail to have him ditched, but when the Barcodes do it they are "delighted". Another case of Boronoia possibly, but the difference in attitude is there for all to see."
Boro got their way with the LMA in the end so what are you moaning about........
Oh!
To revert to the Boro situation... although it is encouraging to read the latest words from GS, it begs the question why didn't we go with this attitude before the Pompey and the Stoke games (and several before)? Very winnable games had we adopted a positive attitude. It is what the fans have been demanding for weeks (months?).
GS as quoted on the BBC:-
"There was a spell during the season when we needed solid foundations but now we've got to get more people in the box and efforts on goal.
"We've got to be bold and brave in these next eight games. We've got to go to Bolton and have a go at them."
Hallelujah
Sounds like Mr Pringle has got a few chips on his shoulder - albeit the neatly stacked round and flat variety.
So Gareth is advocating a new cautious all out attack approach to the rest of the season - let's hope the spring sunshine has revived Alves and he manages to put away some of the chances that come begging.
I'll settle for the Geordies escaping relegation if we win our next 3 games and beat them at Sid James Park.
Personally I couldn't give a flying foam hand for what happens up the road at Sid James' but your article adds a little humerous diversion from the serious predicament both clubs find themselves in.
3 points today is all I want, nothing more, nothing less. I just find it a bit difficult to see how we will manage it with the same cow banjo strikers we have endured all season.