STAND by for another nail-biting Typical Boro D-Day of brinkmanship and trauma. In a blow-by-blow live rolling new service to rival Sky Sports official Yellow Ticker Tape of Authority and Truth I'll be up-dating this throughout the marathon of Middlesbrough mayhem, at first calmly from the sober office environment and then later on more frantically and cynically as I settle down with a six pack and the lap top for what is the best bit of cliff-hanging television drama of the year.
9am.... an overnight hand-grenade is lobbed into the a complex Alves scenario which already has seen more twists and turns that a barrel full of snakes as our old friends AS Roma Carabinieri are linked to a late bid for the Braziliant serial signatory.
Bearing in mind some other last gasp escapes - the Great Diego Forlan Heathrow Hijack, Kevin Keegan persuading Rob Lee that Newcastle was closer to London than Teesside, Howard Wilkinson flagging down Chris Kamara's Boro-bound car at Wetherby and hauling him off to Elland Road and Harry Redknapp seizing Amdy Faye's mobile and locking him in his hotel room to prevent him contacting Lambie - some readers of a nervous disposition may naturally be predicting Boro will be empty handed come midnight.
So, a quick check with the club and it is revealed that yes Roma have made an inquiry but that Alves has assured all parties that he only wants to join Boro. They add that the work permit appeal is set for 2.30pm in London. And that, as yet, no fee has been agreed with Heerenveen. A couple of million quid either way could come down to who blinks first. And even if Alves signs, he is very unlikely to get international clearance to play at Newcastle.
Worryingly, there is no Plan B. Not even Rob Hulse. As it stands, despite all Boro's rivals adding bodies to their squad's, with just over 12 hours to go Boro are weaker than at the start of the transfer window and you can feel pulses startingto quicken and see beads of sweat forming on the furrowed brows of members of Teesside's permanently worried community.
Meanwhile Matthew Bates has gone to Norwich on loan until the end of the season.
And Boro have admitted but decided not to pursue their interest in "Inter Milan's teenage Swedish wonder kid" Bernie Slavanowski after preliminary talks. Apparently he is a one-paced rabble-rousing fence climber with a shaky grasp of the offside law.
Darlington hope to sign a collection of left over Scrabble pieces - Przemyslaw Kazmierczak - a Polish goalkeeper.
And Birmingham benchwarmer Franck Queudrue has issued a "come and get me plea" to Rangers. And so have I. There has been no approach from the club but there are quotes floating about saying the Gallic card collector would be flattered to play for such a big club. So would I. Cut price deal, three years, £5,000 a week, £250k signing on fee. Sorted.
11am... it's windy and bleak and the rain is starting to thicken up and swirl as snow with three feet predicted overnight. Meanwhile poor David Craig has set up his camera ready for a 13 hour shift in the cold outside Hurworth.
11.30am... news leaks that Boro have agreed a 17 million Euro (£13m) fee with Heereveen leaving only the immigration and employment red tape to slash through. A contract is in place and if he gets his permit then he is a Boro player which will leave only the issue of compensation to AZ from Alves for breach of contract to be resolved. Guess who will end up agreeing to sign that particular blank cheque.
Charlie N'Zogbia is said to be in talks with Spurs leaving Newcastle with a vacancy for a proven Premiership left sided crossing machine.. *gulp*
12 noon.... Roy Keane continues to build next season's Championship winning side with a staggering £4m signing of pedestrian Charlton and Eire midfield heavyweight. How much money have Sunderland spent in the past eight months on players who would barely make it as benchwarmers for any other team in the Premier League? Greg Halford, a £3m flop from Colchester last year, could go the other way as part of the deal.
12.15pm... David Craig makes his first appearance and is excitable and looks warm in his Sky Sports anorak. Let's see him looking so bouncy when the ict Arctic blast hits him and he is kicking his heels until Boro's mandatory 11.59 signing.
12.30pm... The N'Zogbia story is denied... *phew*
1.30pm.... Portsmouth striker Benjani - a possible plan B for my money - is having a medical at Manchester City, which I suppose at least rules them out of the running to revive their summer interest in Alves and make a late bid.
Elsewhere former Boro target Christian Wilhelmson - who caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth when he "snubbed" us to join UEFA Cup outfit Bolton from Roma - has meekly slipped out of the side door at the Reebok to try his luck at Deportivo.
2.30pm.... drums fingers on table, glazes over looking at yellow ticker tape and refreshes PA sports feed while waiting for news from the work permit panel. Bloody civil servants/football experts, come on get a shift on. Jeez, Mido moves faster. How long does it take to make an decision after an agreeable lunch in a top London Hotel. Coffee Gordon?
On other musings, I hope Boro sign a young Iberian prospect from right off the radar with ten minutes to go just so we can use the headline: "No One Expects the Spanish Acquisition!" Our weapon is shrewd scouting and financial muscle... our two weapons are...etc ...
3.29pm... Birmingham have had a permit application knocked back. Oh now! The panel are sitting and they are mad as hell and taking no prisoners.
3.31pm.... YES. IT'S THERE! Boro in daylight hours signing shock! Sky's ticker tape runs across the screen announcing Afonso Alves has been granted his papers. Two phones ring simultaneously and two text ring tones join in the modern office symphony of relief. Knives sharpened in anticipation are laid down as the nightmare scenario fails to materialise.
Now we can switch attention to other things - like: HOW MUCH? A fee of £13m PLUS a signing on fee (usually about 5%) PLUS add-ons like relocations costs, flights, accomodation, image rights PLUS wages probably somewhere in the region of £40k (£2m a year plus goal bonuses and sliding scales premiums for Boro's league position) over four seasons and that makes an investment of well over £20m. He had better deliver goals galore for that dosh.
4.00pm... With the potential of the Alves deal being a snub/hi-jack/out of time cock-up fading poor David Craig has packed up and taken up his now familiar position outside the Strawberry at St James Park, the very spot he revealed the Second Coming of Keegan last week.
Elsewhere the England squad are announced and there is good news for two Teessiders. Firstly Jonathan Woodgate's media magnified 'Big Club Bonus' kicks in as he is selected on the back of one good game (while Luke Young's solidity goes unrewarded) and secondly David Wheater gets a broken English name-check from Fabio Capello.
"I have worked very closely with Stuart Pearce on squad selection and there are some players like Joe Hart, Aaron Lennon, Theo Walcott and David Wheater who are with the U21s this time because they have a very important qualification game against Ireland on Tuesday," he said. In the future these are players that could feature in the senior squad. I believe it is very important for everyone that the U21 team does well and I want to help them achieve success with Stuart."
That is a massive boost to Wheats and his agent as he goes to negotiate his new deal at Boro. It is also a flashing alarm for any clubs stupid enough not to have noticed his potential so far. As he is out of contract in the summer he is free to talk to clubs. Man U and Liverpool could ring him tonight to raise his £100 a game plus all the lemon tops he can eat to offer five years at £30k a week and only the elastic properties of loyalty could stop him signing. Once the window closes Boro have a very important contract to sort out quickly.
5pm... right, I've got to go and run around aimlessly and kick people for an hour in the fat and forty five-a-side but I'll be back to discuss the latest cattle-trading, FIFA solidity payments and Peter Snow's transfer swingometer.
8.30pm... right, what have I missed? I'm back from footy with bruises, pattie and chips and beer, let's do it. Sky Sports News is on and I've got four windows open on the laptop (the blog, the BBC, the Boro's official site and Fly Me To The Moon). Deadline day is brilliant TV and the resources of 24 hour rolling Sky Sports News really comes into its own. It is essential for anoraks, addicts and the lonely. Where else would they work for one thing.
It is top class entertainment, better than Eurovision (there are as many predictable lines but the results are less certain) but not as good as election night. It was suggested at work that they should scrap the usual wooden talking heads of SSN for this night and bring in Peter Snow and his swingometer to measure the impact of bums on seats of particular signings.
The flailing armed Magnus Pyke of political punditry could be brought in to give a graphic illustration of the way gates would be transformed by particular results.... "and with Boro set to sign Alves we can see this vast sea of empty seats filling up, with just one goal look what would happen... a 5% swing there look, the marginal South East corner full, the knife edge South Stand full and look! Two debut goals would mean a 8% swing and an unstoppable momentum and even those all important South West Upper safe seats would go too.
"But what if the exit polls win the day? What if Alves isn't successful? And worst, what if Stewart Downing joins their lass and Woody at Spurs.... look at that meltdown, look at that tide of empty red seats spreading from those marginals and deep, deep into the diehard Boro safe seats in the East Stand and even pockets of the traditional heartlands in the North Stand..."
9.29pm.... Celtic have confirmed Boro sixth choice striker Ben Hutchinson on a three and half year deal after being tipped off by Teesside's green and white striped Irish element. The Old Firm outfit's chief executive is said to have "thrashed out a deal" to fast forward his pre-contract for a summer move. The sticking point may or may not have been a 'solidity payment' due to his former clubs Arnold Town and Billingham Synthonia due if he crosses the border.
9.42pm... David Craig shows viewers his phone with a text message saying "nearly there," a communication he says mysteriously is from "an agent working right at the heart of the deal" not realising the sender is identified on his mobile screen as Barry Silkm.
So what's going on then? Why no announcement? Well as I understand it there are several elements of the deal already agreed and two tricky bits still to be resolved that could take it right to the wire.
Let's tick off the bits we know: Alves has agreed personal terms with Boro, a £13m fee has been agreed with Heerenveen and a work permit has been granted. All the neccessary bits are in place and the deal could be signed right this minute and it would stand.
BUT, and it is a big BUT there are two red tape problems with major financial implications. The first is a FIFA statutory 'solidity fee', a payment due to clubs as compensation for their investment in young talent who then leave on free transfers to bigger clubs who then sell them on at a profit. FIFA rightly introduced the fee to prevent the farming and trafficking of youngsters in Africa, Eastern Europe and South American by unscrupulous agents who placed them for nominal fees at small clubs in Belgium or Portugal where immigration laws are lax and they could gain residency qualifications before being cashed in .
When players under 24 move on a Bosman the club(s) that trained them are due such a fee. The law is complex and only applies if players move from one association to another and while it wasn't really designed for cases of established players like Alves it will now kick in and a 5% slice of the transfer fee - about 650,000 Euros - appears to be due to Brazilian Atletico Mineiro - the club which first trained him and Valeriodoce, his first professional club.
The question is who pays that. Clearly it should be the club who receives the fee - Heerenveen - but that could quite easily become a major bargaining chip for them. If Boro really want the player they may agree to pay, or at least split the fee. But if the issue collapses the deal then Boro will be left red faced and empty handed but the Dutch club and both Brazilian outfits will miss out on a major payday and the sellers left with a player who doesn't want to be there.
The second big sticking point is the question of the compensation due to AZ from Alves for his breach of contract. The Dutch FA ruled that the transfer to AZ had not been completed because Heerenveen had not signed off his registration but also that under employment law the players agreement to start work at Alkmaar was legally valid. AZ have demanded compensation (no doubt Alves was the final part of their jigsaw too) and arguably there is even a scenario where they could take out an injunction to prevent the striker playing even if the deal goes through.
So another question is who pays that compensation. Legally and morally it should be Alves himself but his agent won't fancy that and , again, if Boro want the player they may agree to underwrite the compensation, or at least a slice of it, in attempt to free the log jam. Heerenveen may also be cajoled or bullied into paying it as unless the deal goes through they won't get a penny. And as the compensation is yet to be determined neither will want to sign a blank cheque so it may be cheaper to come to an out of court settlement with AZ.
So it is the usual beat the clock brinkmanship.
10.28pm... David Craig pops up to confirm that the on-going wrangle is over who picks up the tab for the solidity payment. The assessment of his contact in the midst of the conference call summit, mystery agent Barry Silkm, is that all parties are "inching" towards a deal.
11pm... The hourly news update is a Jermain Defoe overload and some page 47 fillers about lower league journeymen. They say there is nothing on Alves yet although a board meeting is still in progress. I can just see them all sat laughing watching Sky Sports News and drawing it out, necking cans and the Boro contingent bluetoothing Alves' people Teesside Tin Tin as they try to explain what he has let himself in for. 'Owey lads, get it sorted.
11.07pm... Over to David Craig to announce that according to Heerenveen's website Alves has put pen to paper on a four year deal with Boro although . About bloody time.
11.14pm... It's on the Yellow Ticker Tape now. You don't get more official than that. LAmbie or Gareth are yet to speak to the camera though and on August deadline day Gary O'Neil personally rang up SSN to confirm he had signed so there's still room for a few nagging Typical Boro doubts (I've still got the press release announcing Keith Gillespie had signed).
11.26pm... IT'S OFFICIAL: Boro have announced the signing for an "undisclosed fee" on their official site. Earlier it was reported that the deal was £17 million Euros (£13m) but the 'undisclosed' fudge could easily cover the various slices of compensation to AZ, solidity payments, signing on fees... they probably won't be able to tot it up until all the paperwork is in and the exchange rate is calculated.
11.39pm... Grrrrrr. Someone give Tony Cascarino a slap! What a load of ill-informed stereotypical Cockneycentric drivel about Boro, a sentence starting with Alves being a good signing then rambling via the statement that Ravanelli was a big success and then concluding that players "don't really want to go to a place like that." "You can't really blame the fans, they live there and its their local club," replies the smug Scottish one. Give him a slap as well.
11.59pm... just a few loose ends to tidy up now while Man City and Pompey are in a dramatic Boro-style race against time to register the inter-linked Defoe and Benjani deals... red tape, a sad plate with a few cold chips and some scraps and the Grolsch empties to clear away.
Thanks for sticking with me. Get yourself to bed now. Tomorrow will be an Afonsotastic festival of Samba superlatives and the build up to the big Tyne-tees derby.
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