THERE'S the panic button; you can reach for it any time you like. If you click on it it sends a painful electric shock up Lambie's spine and activates a sound file screaming "Ow'ee, get yer finger out," in the frenzied tones of stoppage time. It's had more hits than myspace over the past week as an army of itchy-fingered Boro fans come to the boil.
Twitchy Teessiders are alarmed by the doom-laden smoke signals coming out of the club suggesting a downgrading of transfer targets from heroes to zeroes, the sounds of a just a few paltry coins rattling around in the bottom of a once overflowing warchest and ominous quotes from prospective signings who have opted for lesser clubs citing their new employer's ambition. And all that set against the on-going high-risk Viduka brinkmanship, talk of selling before we can buy and the appearance that Portsmouth are buying ever player in sight.
But wait! Don't zap Lambie just yet. Derby haven't even sobered up from the play-offs yet and most of Planet Football is lapping up the sun, sea and San Miguel. There is plenty of time before we move up to Defcon 1.
We may well go into full on panic mode at some point before the deadline - you can't break with tradition - but not just yet. It may be frustrating to see Portsmouth linked with a squad full of players but don't assume that some kind of mad, mad, mad end of season Blue Cross Sale is on and we are missing out. They have signed Sylvian Distin, a player widely castigated as a stroppy over-rated mercenary by Boro fans less than 12 months ago and Herman Hreiderssen, who most probably wouldn't want anyway. The only other real movement of note confirmed is Gareth Bale to Spurs, a deal agreed back in January.
Nothing is happening because the senior figures at the club have been away. Crazy though it may sound these people do take holidays - Lambie has been away playing five-a-side with Gibbo's Jossies' Giant outfit in Singapore and taking a well earned break from hot fax action while Southgate is drinking wicked, watching Neighbours, listening to NME darlings Get Cape! Wear Cape Fly! and downloading passnotes off the net as he does the next stage of his management qualifications at Warwick University. It is no good slagging him off for that and saying his year in the hotseat is better than a cub scout Champ Man badge. It was part of the deal that helped him sneak under the radar and it needs doing.
And of course they have Boro branded mobile phones with them but, despite the media machine clamour to fill the rolling yellow banner on Sky News and the frenzy of fans to see something happen during the yawning vacuum of a Summer without a tournament, there is no imperative to do things NOW! If nothing else, contracts don't run out until the end of June so a big name signing now will mean paying the loafers £150,000k plus to sit around between now and pre-season training starting in early July and calls to do that sit uneasily with the demands to slash season ticket prices and take a more prudent course.
So there is nothing to worry about over inactivity just yet. Boro rarely make early signings anyway. However, what is more worrying is some strange developments that suggest the tone of the transfer activity will change. Since Southgate took over their has been a constant refrain about signings from the lower leagues and from Scotland rather than foreign Fancy Dans not neccessarily in tune with the physicality of the Premiership, a popular refrain in many quarters it must be said and one I've hummed along with myself at times. That seems to now be a concrete policy if a link with Oldham hitman Chris Porter is true. .
That policy is not the worry. The worry is that already it has resulted in what in tabloid speak are "snubs" from targets who have gone elsewhere. In truth you can argue that Scott Brown couldn't turn down Champions League Celtic with the 60,000 crowds and guaranteed silverware for Boro, although one perspective would be that he has bottled a move to a far stronger league.
But the fact that Crewe striker Luke Varney turned down Premiership fixture Boro to join relegated Charlton and cited their obvious ambition should ring faint alarm bells. He said:
"When I spoke to Alan Pardew the ambition of the club was the most important thing. The club wants to bounce straight back to the Premier League - and as soon as I knew the ambition was there, there was no question that I was going to sign.
"My agent also spoke to Middlesbrough and Norwich but when I saw Charlton's ground and heard about how many fans had bought their season tickets for next season already, everything was going in the right direction and it all just appealed to me.
That is alarming. Why choose a Championship side over Boro and talk about ambition? If his agent spoke to Boro it should have been abundently clear that this is a club with giant ambitions, a club still with a whiff of Europe in its nostrils, a club that has the structure and fan-base and momentum to really push on. Shouldn't it? And if not, why not?
Meanwhile, perhaps more worrying is the public declaration that Southgate "may have to sell before he can buy". We've been here before, but not for a long time. That was old Boro with Lennie Lawrence wheeling and dealing and the managers in the 1980s who had to generate what little transfer budget they could by cashing in their chips. That is a dark world we thought we had left behind long ago.
In what could be a seismic shift in Boro transfer policy Gareth Southgate said last week:
"We have not got fortunes by any means and if I have to move people on to raise funds to do what I want, then I'd be prepared to do that. There has got to be an overhaul and we have got to fund it in whatever way is feasible."
"If we can do it without moving players on, great, because I do not really want to sell people. But if we get a few months down the line and we have to raise money, then I have got to be prepared for the fact we may have to balance the books in some way."
Most reasonable supporters would accept the need to balance the books and work within sound financial perameters but Boro have been in the Premiership now for a decade and with the prize money, TV cash and other revenue streams should be financially secure enough to address the gaping problems on the right flank without having to create problems elsewhere by cashing in the few real saleable assets the squad has.
Twelve months after being given an unprecedented platform for a Great Leap Forward by appearing the UEFA Cup final Boro should not be rummaging around the bargain bins for players and should not realistically lose out on them to Charlton.
Now, where's that button?
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