I HATE the January sales. The shops are crowded with wild-eyed customers whose quality control gets slashed along with those crazy prices and who are charged by a media driven frenzy to buy, buy, buy as much as by any real neccessity. The poor saps lose any sense of reality and become fixated on the all-consuming need to get a bargain, if only to help rationalise their excessive spending on now unused or unloved junk bought in the last big splurge.
And of course all the best stuff has already gone, snapped up by richer or shrewder shoppers months ago. You never get just what you want or just what you need. You won't get anything flavour of the month, unless the month is April 1999. All that's left is to rummage desperately around the bargain bin through goods left tatty by the excessive pawing of the mob in the hope of spotting an overlooked gem before the twitchy cockney stood next to you pounces. And you've got to be quick: there is nothing more undignified than seeing two usually respectable chief executives coming to fisticuffs in Binns window over a one time bench warmer from the victorious 1996 Nigerian Olympic gold winning side.
Clubs lose all sense of perspective when it comes to January, especially if they are struggling and desperate for a quick-fix . But there's no point looking for a 20 goal a season striker and a top drawer right back on the £10 or less rack. All the serious squad strengthening is done at leisure in the summer. The players that are up for grabs now are surplus to requirement, are not getting regular football, are out of contract in the summer and not good enough for a new deal or are disruptive elements the boss wants shifting so badly he won't wait until July.
Of course, like all sales there are genuine bargains to be had but only to the organised few willing to get their sleeping bag and Kendal mint cake and camp outside Dinamo Kiev overnight ready to snap up that Andriy Nesmachniy they tried on last week the moment the doors open at 00.01 on New Years Day when the less efficient are still slurring about fireworks.
But for most shoppers there is very little of any real quality to be had. Boro's record since the January sales were introduced in 2003 is patchy. That first year showed the dangers as they did a late-night trolley dash round the Derby branch of Relegated-R-Us and got what looked a fantastic BOGOF deal as Chris Riggott turned out to look great alongside Gareth Southgate but ragged and loose when teamed up with anyone else while the Malcolm Christie that came as part of the deal needed to be patched up with UHU and has never been quite right.
On that same night Boro were looking for an Emile Heskey but were freaked out by an abrupt tannoy announcement that the shop was closing in five minutes so heaved a burly frontman of about the right size and colour in the basket and dashed to the tills only to get it home and find they had paid £3m for a Michael Ricketts that was far, far too big. And slow. It was a chaotic night. So much so that the next day Boro emptied the carrier bags and found they had somehow acquired a functional if dull Doriva that no-one could quite remember picking up.
Once bitten twice shy. The following year Boro were more cagey and despite a lot of hours trudging the aisles they weren't so rash. They phoned home once to say they were about to buy a stylish but expensive Van Der Meyde that had looked brilliant in Milan but wisely calculated it wouldn't seem so eye-catching in Teesside, then they couldn't make their mind about a Geremi and finally decided against it because they'd had one before and well, it wasn't that great. They came home sheepishly empty handed.
Juninho had been shopping too. He came home with Ricardinho, a Brazilian World Cup winner with an excellent pedigree - free! It was being thrown out by Flamengo and the pint-sized dream weaver bought on-line through his Pay-Pal account and gave it to by then rapidly becoming estranged boss Steve McClaren as a kiss and make up present. It didn't go down well. You should never buy things for people unless you know they will really like it. The boss made a show of keeping Ricardinho in his office at Hurworth for a few months before he was quietly 'regifted' back to Brazil then later passed on to Real Madrid. Imagine how embarrased Juninho must have been to see his rejected present on display in the Champions League.
Last year Boro didn't go to the sales. Well, they thought about it and had a quick look around Teesside Park but never really saw anything they fancied. This year they might buy something, but only if they can shift a few things out of the loft first. A smoothie maker, a George Formby Grill (like a George Foreman only with built in banjo sound effects), a Maccarone. A car boot sale beckons. Or maybe they can flog them on E-bay. In fact, they are trying to take some things back they bought last year that weren't as good once they got them home and tried to get them to work. Rochemback for instance. "Have you got the receipt."
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