TEESSIDE demands a panic signing! Now! Quickly!
"But he's rubbish." It doesn't matter, get him in!
Nerves are shredding long before the big kick-off. The much-hyped turn to attacking football has not materialised. A string of pre-season defeats across the whole spectrum of teams from Doncaster to Feyenoord and with woeful displays too by all accounts. Injuries mounting. First teamers out the exit door with only a member of the worst ever Premiership defence coming in. Confidence collapsing. Rivals strengthening. Oh no! We're all going to die.
There's only one thing for it: a signing - any signing - as a sweeping gesture to placate the angry fans and generate a few feelgood headlines. Come on Lambie, get your finger out.
I think that about sums up the weekend consensus. Jumpy Boro fans are now starting to twitch at the largely negative picture emerging of the behind the scenes transfer activity. The Huth deal is not dead but we seem to be struggling to find a pulse. Malbranque - trumpeted as the key to the new era of positive football - was a stiff from day one. Distin has gone off the boil and now the Gooch, a one man free-kick machine, claims he turned us down over a contractual problem. Yeah, the problem is a contract wasn't offered.
With two weeks to go and some glaring problems in the squad - a centre-back (or two) is imperative and a right sided midfielder a must - fans are rightly starting to worry. As it stands the squad that finished 14th last season is now weaker and some of the teams who finished below it are beefing up quickly, and one have got a man in the dug-out who when it looked like he would be master-minding Boro's campaign was hailed as a genius.
So now the pressure is mounting from below for a signing to head off the impending relegation battle and Gareth Southgate urges "don't panic". Don't panic? Yerjokinarnyer? As the Reading game looms larger and other teams call press conferences to unveil their reinforcements, the quality control among the public is wavering. Their once exacting high standards have been abandoned like the lager-lubricated last dance at the Madison. Fans want Boro fixed up with someone, anyone rather then see them alone. Minger!
So we have some bizarre and contradictory positions emerging. In the past Boro ('typical Boro' that is) have been widely castigated for buying crocks with a variety of disabilities - groin strains, dodgy knees, two left feet - yet now they are under pressure to quickly wrap up the signing of someone who has failed a medical.
And Boro have been slated for splashing out on players who could not turn down the silly money on offer but who clearly did not want to be here and who lacked motivation, spirit and passion. Yet now they are being roasted for failing to sign a player who would rather play in Fulham's reserves for a season that at the Riverside.
And in the case of the Gooch they are being slated because someone judged not good enough by club officials - and by Boro fans watching his every World Cup tackle through the gaps in their fingers - feels the need to explain his failure to step up to the big time.
Meanwhile the kids who last season won rave reviews, who were adjudged the best in the country and who sparked a bout of euphoric optimism at the prospect of a Golden Generation not seen since the likes of Pally, Mogga, Coops and Rippers, are now suddenly not up to the job and if we had to play them it would be a disaster.
Clearly Boro have problems. The squad is weaker now than it was last season and yes, it needs strengthening - especially at the back - or it could be a long hard season of struggle.
But it is more important to make the right signings than to make quick ones that prove expensive flops. We can't afford a repeat of the two-minutes-to-midnight hysteria that resulted in Michael Ricketts. Yes, time is running out and nerves are justified. But we need patience.
Patience? How much. Gerrim signed on.
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