MALCOLM Christie.... "he's like a new signing". Well there's the gaffer winning the pre-season cliche bingo. The boss followed up by adding "he's fitter than ever" and "it's the strongest squad since I've been here" before finishing with a flourish claiming "it's not about results at this stage, it's about getting match fitness......HOUSE!"
Southgate's predictable praise for the injury jinxed striker lasting a fortnight without troubling the stretcher bearers tickled a few giggle muscles among the Gazette Sport Desk Massive - if only because it reminded us of the best bill ever.
The bill is the poster slapped up outside the shop that shouts out an enticing headline, a teasing string of words carefully concocted by true wordsmiths to lure you into buying the paper, hinting at earth-shattering revelations but never giving the story away.
The universally agreed best ever back page bill was "Boro's New £6m Signing". It came as Boro geared up for their return to the Premiership under Bryan Robson in 1998. Who have they signed now Teesside's public gasped? Nadal? Robbie Keane? Dean Sturridge? Maybe he has finally got Dani.....
D'oh! The £6m man was actually enigmatic wing wizard Alan Moore, back in pre-season training after several months out following a knee injury. It is fair to say that makeweight Moore was well past his "new Ryan Giggs" stage by then. In fact, the painfully shy flanker was struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that his 'golden age' comprised an explosive display in a friendly at Darlington and a wonder show against Notts County. both in the fast fading past.
Then for years we waited. And waited. Then gave up. But not Robbo. He was convinced Moore was about to take the world by storm, like the playground craze for Tamagochi or colour coded charity wristbands. "You should see him on the training ground," Robbo would swoon. "He is like having a new £6m signing." A line like that is pure gold for hacks - you've got to use it - but they make the manager a hostage to fortune and also invite an angry onslaught from those who can't or don't want to see the quote marks around the statement.
When we put the bill out - when I say 'we' I would like to just add diplomatically that the creation of the bill is a mystical process of polishing and refinement not always sourced at the sports desk - the phones went crazy and the mail was swamped with furious letters in red ink with lots of underlining and exclamation marks as fans who believed they had been duped weighed in. There were cartoon moments when we held the handset at arms length and winced as a tirade of still audible obscenties were directed at "the lying get that wrote that headline." We drew up a rota to deal with the incoming invective. "I know, he's not worth six thousand" I would say in a pre-emptive strike. It was one of the few occasions when Keith Lamb didn't get the blame.
Eventually the dust settled and Robbo's mooted valuation was soon seen to be well wide of the mark. Moore failed to spark. Or even splutter. After two starts he found himself dumped on the bench. Then after growing frustrated with the inconstistent, perma-crocked, flatter-to-deceive lightweight Irish winger Robbo went out and bought... Keith O'Neill.
"Boro's new £6m signing" took the best bill title from another preposterously exaggerated managerial claim that was to be quickly exposed as folly on the pitch. In the last season under Lennie Lawrence beleagured fans may have had their hopes raised by the grand claim on billboards as the Gazette told Teesside "Boro sign 'goal a game' striker". No, not Brian Deane, Alan Shearer, Ian Wright or even Ted McMinn.... gentlemen, meet Chris Freestone.
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