IT'S eleven o'clock and like the legions of get-a-life football saddoes across the nation I am dug in for the nail-biting countdown to the midnight thud as the transfer window slams shut.
It has become a much-loved late-night multi-media institution that grips an anxious on-line or armchair bound audience, all waiting for long expected results to be made concrete while braced for the odd electric surprise. It's like election night or the Eurovision Song Contest.
Sky Sport News is on with the annoying yellow banner still worryingly bereft of a confirmation that Peter Kenyon has found a pen down the back of Ashley Cole's sofa and finally signed the Huth deal. The laptop has the BBC and Fly Me To The Moon open in different windows and I'm flicking between them with Six Music on in the background. Rothmans (and it will always be Rothamans no matter who sponsors it now) is handy in case of any "who he?" scenarios. There is a glass of medicinal whisky to hand. It is one of those times when I wished I still smoked.
I don't expect any more incoming but you can never tell. I recall the drama of the three minutes to midnight January flurry that brought Ricketts, Christie and Riggott to Boro.
The main concern is Huth. No matter how optimistic or trusting you can't help but wonder about the delay. This is Boro after all. Lambie said Kenyon was just dealing with other business - a session at the FA about Chelsea conducting their own drug tests on players and presumably the Cole brinkmanship too - and the signing was imminent. But that was ten hours ago and still nothing . Surely he would have taken a break at some point in the contractual arm-wrestling with David Dein to scrawl his autograph. Surely he has a vast array of admin underlings anxiously waving the contract around, rushing in for signatures on this and that.
And there is the paranoia. The Mirror reported that if the Cole deal collapsed then so woul dthe Huth deal. It sounds nonsense. Cole is a left back so why would a centre-back be needed if he did not arrive. And Boularouz has been signed to cover for Gallas. But maybe it is because Schwarzer had a pop at the Special One last week? Maybe it is because we beat them? Maybe it is because Lambie was too Teesside for Kenyon in the contract talks and they are making us sweat, or worse still plan to shaft us? The double-dealing devious cockney gets.
But look, Gallas is having a medical at Arsenal right now. And the BBC say the Sun say that Arsenal have agreed a £5m plus Gallas deal for Cole. Surely that now means that whatever mysterious Cole-linked impediment that was blocking the Huth deal has been removed and Kenyon is free to sign the paper and give it to the waiting motor cycle courier to whisk off to FA HQ ? Yes? But what if they spend too long toasting Ashley and his lovely young pop babe bride and the paperwork doesn't make it to Soho Square until a Whelanesque five past? It's alright, we'll fax the documentation over. D'oh!
Huth is the main incoming to be resolved but I am also jumpy about outgoings. Stewy, Lambie, the Gate, Uncle Eric and Doctor Dunn have all been emphatic that Downing is going nowhere but let's be honest, this is football and anything could happen. Spurs could offer silly money, it seems to be their national currency. How many past departures have been vehemently denied?
You know it is daft and Stewy is Boro for the foreseeable but the rumours have been flying all week and the tension and whisky make you weak and suggestible. Stewie's lass wants to move to London to be with all her new WAG friends (presumably like Cheshire based Coleen and Alex Curren). She wants him to be near her in university (last deadline day this same story justified a mooted move to Rangers.) He supported Spurs as kid (he had a Gazza top). He has left the England training session for talks at Everton. Jesus wept, give me a break. Everton? I thought his boyhood heroes was a sideways move but Everton?? That's ridiculous?
But what about shifting the deadwood? Parlour... Ugo... Graham... Massimo, is he going to Fulham or not? What about the Geordie move for Viduka which shifted from laughable to alarmingly plausible and back with every telling over the day? He's out of contract next year summer. The move would fund a bid for Nugent. According to the official Newcastle websitethey were selling MIlner to fund Viduka move but the winger was recalled from talks with Villa. Does that means it is all off or that MIlner is offered to Boro to solve the problem on the right?
Too many questions. The countdown clocks shows 26.20 and still nothing official on Cole. Or Huth. You try to be rational but the drip-drip-drip of fact-lite speculation wears down your resolve, Watching Sky Sports is corrosive. I am starting to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome, the phenonoma whereby hostages start to sympathise with their captors.
Jonathan Woodgate comes on and in a Teesside accent as wide as the Transport talks with passion about being Boro through and through, Ayresome Park and Real Madrid. Eralier at the press conference he said his season ticket holding Dad took him to the Port Vale match at Hartlepool so that bestows instant credibility. Gareth confirms he has matured, he is fully fit and is raring to go and I am convinced we have got the best deal of the day.
To be fair that wouldn't be hard. Douala has gone to Portsmouth and you get the feeling it is doomed. Since the unrequited approach from Boro he has fallen down the pecking order at Sporting and they were glad to get shot. Andy, sorry, Andrew, Cole has also joined the Pompey rehabilitation camp from Manchester City. City have signed PSV's one time Boro linkee DeMarcus Beasley, whose head-down-and-run approach to life on either flank has earned the nickname Run DMB. Yo! Bum rush the show.
The most nostril twitching move of the day is West Ham's double caputure of Argentinian internationals Tevez and Maschereno which has a strong whiff of rodent about it. Tevez was wanted by Barca and Man United and he hasn't joined the Hammers for the lure of the UEFA Cup and jellied eels. Corinthians, the club they arrived from is owned by a consortium in which Roman Abramovich is said to have a controlling interest. Make of that what you will. If they are a hit don't be surprised if they switch to Chelsea next summer.
Meanwhile former Boro midfield workhorse Graham Kavanagh takes his incredible hair style - a steel grey pyscho-billy quiff on top of a cropped head, a DIT creation last seen at a King Kurt gig back in 1983 - from Wigan to Sunderland for £500,000. The hapless Mackems have also signed ageing smile merchant Dwight Yorke from Sydney for £200,000 and have brought back Stan Varga, who, frankly, wasn't much good the first time around.
Big boys Newcastle - still smarting from having Woody, Huth (and allegedly Viduka) opting for Tees over Tyne - have signed Anton Sibierski on loan from Manchester City. And Guiseppi Rossi on loan from Man United. But there's ten minutes and still time for Ronaldinho.
Midnight and Mr Tweedy is still officially an Arsenal player and, more importantly, Huth is still officially a Chelsea player. Will this torture never end? We are told that Huth has signed his contract of employment with Boro. The important thing is whether Kenyon signed to release his registration. If he hasn't then we have a Whelan situation all over again and the German is ineligible until January. If he has it will be confirmed in the morning. We hope.
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