BERNIE, Bernie Slaven! Teesside's favourite fence-climbing goal hero turned Morrissey impersonator and one-man media machine launched his new biographical DVD at a star-studded, invitation only international premier at Cineworld on Marton Road.
And 'Lucky Slaven' was hugely enjoyable. A well made, compelling and nostalgic look back at the life and times of a man who, despite being inhibited by the lack of a right foot or pace and having only a sketchy knowledge of the offside law, became the arch-exponent of the timely six yard tap-in and sealed his place in Boro folklore with 147 goals and some forthright opinions.
The documentary - and the DVD extra of 90 brilliant Bernie goals from Boro's electric post-liquidation fairytale years - persuaded me to set aside the usual cynical freebie blagging and stump up hard cash for a copy. Here are a few random observations about it.
* Seeing Bruce Rioch was a huge shock. Brucie is a man transformed. The stiff sergeant-major's son and blazered fierce disciplinarian has been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by a laid back ageing rocker. He appeared wearing a casual black leather jacket over a black turtle necked jumper and with faded black jeans and greying hair far longer than military standard . I was too stunned to notice if he was wearing Converse All Stars or Docs but neither would surprise me. When Bernie asked what he was doing with himself you half expected him to confess that he was now making a living playing bass in a Johnny Cash tribute band on Denmark's happening Butlins' rockabilly circuit. Before roaring off on a Norton Commando.
And it is not just in looks Brucie has dramatically changed. His once fearsome and volatile demeanour was replaced by an amiable and humble approach that transformed the power relationship between him and Bernie. Gone was the dressing room dictator that had Bernie up against the wall by the throat. The authority had disappeared. It was a meeting of equals. They were old friends greeting warmly and making gentle jokes. It was nice.
*When footballers meet they converse entirely in quips, cliches and workies' club gagsmith one liners while laughing hysterically like naughty schoolboys a lot. The sparring between Bernie and his former Albion boss was almost identical in pace and tone to his jokey insult trading with Boro team-mates Gary Pallister and John Hendrie. It is part of the culture of the dressing room. They do it away from the cameras too. It is a kind of footballers short-hand that promotes cameraderie and equality while disguising - just - the egotistical competition between them.
*Alistair Brownlee is a very good judge of what makes Boro fan tick. He wrote most of the dialogue and while he has clearly given Bernie his head on his earlier biographical detail, the microphone maestro has a deft touch that stops the Scot rambling on and always brings the script back to Boro. And when it comes to the Ayresome era Ali ticks all the right boxes and jams in a lot of observations from the then contemporary cynical Holgate consensus and gives them a gentle reworking. Bernie plays up to the 'offside' jibe and uses disparaging imagery you suspect he could not have known in the insular world of the player. The dialgue means the viewers - Boro fans - can feel included as much of the story is from their perspective.
*Broadcast rights have dented the film's content. Tyne Tees and the local BBC have played ball so there is lots of footage of goals, of Ayresome being padlocked and the team training in local parks. But the commercial juggernaut of Sky has not been so forthcoming so key moments of our history are missing: there is, for instance, no footage of the Boro epoch defining first ever trip to Wembley, and surely had there been it would have given Bernie cause to gush about what was the high-water mark and epitaph of the Brucie babes.
*The Lennie Lawrence era was all but ignored. Bernie talks briefly about his personality clash, the ignominious end and briefly on his career afterwards but there is much more to be said. Bernie was treated badly in being forced to train with the kids and later alone in Stewart Park. That must have hurt. I asked the bequiffed hero about it and he revealed that Lennie had been asked several times to contribute to the film but failed to return calls. That is a shame.
*Despite the film being billed as "in Association with Middlesbrough Football Club" there was no-one from the club at the launch. It was suggested that Bernie's chickenrunner commentary position had annoyed the club but there are extended revealing interviews with Steve Gibson and the film is underpinned by an unconditional love for Boro. Likewise there were no former team-mates there. I expected Pally and Hendrie there if only to see how they looked.
*There was a touch too much of the moody black and white shots of a windswept Bernie with dark overcoat flapping against an backdrop of imposing Victorian architecture and desolate former temples to the great game. At times it was like an Ultravox video.
*The footage of goals at Ayresome were brilliant and evocative and the orgasmic explosion of bodies into surges of frenzied EIOs showed a bit of the passion that the soulless modern game is missing. It also showed that despite the modern myth making Ayresome was not heaving every week. Many goals - and it is just goals, not much build-up - prompt a knot of several hundred people to go crazy but they are surrounded by acres of empty space.
*The League Cup semi-final against mighty Manchester United in 1991 (Bernie scored in the dramatic away leg) was a forgotten highpoint of Boro brilliance, unprecedented at the time and since overshadowed by other successes. I would pay good money for a DVD of that.
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