Big Game Sofa Squad Falls Short
BY POPULAR demand - no, really! - and to cosy up to the seething twitter-mob (a bandwidthwagon?) waving cyber-pitchforks at Mark Lawrenson and Co - here's a remix of this week's Big Picture column from the steam driven paper version of the Gazette.
*****
DULL, one-dimensional and with their weaknesses cruelly exposed on the international stage... at least we've got the pundits the team deserves.
With a complacent approach, a dearth of imagination and a reliance on tired old line-ups long past their best, the small screen sofa squads on both sides have failed to deliver.
Roy Hodgson's side performed to the level you would expect given form, ranking and history. They laboured through the group then went out to the first technically superior side they came up against. On penalties. There can be no real complaints about that.
But off the pitch, viewers have plenty to get irate about. The armchair audience has been very poorly served indeed. Again.
Dismay at the talking heads has been a regular theme at recent tournaments (certainly I have banged this drum before) - but this one really is worse than ever.
On the big stage the 'experts' - patronising, defiantly ill-informed and brass-necked about ambling along on a banter driven conveyor belt of cliche and stereotypes - have fallen woefully short.
The matchday commentators, with one or two exceptions, have been poor. They have swung wildly between inanely stating the bleeding obvious and hysterical hyperbole, between reading out rehearsed factoids with all the panache of a satnav to smugly crow-barring in pre-scripted but ill-fitting football fortune cookie sound-bites at the first opportunity. There is a gaping vacuum in between where the insight should be.
You get the impression that some are desperately in search of their 'Kenneth Wolstenholme moment,' and have spent long hours concocting abstract statements to suit imagined scenarios they are wishing to unfold just so they can get in their contrived microphone money-shot that will cement them in clip-show archives for all time.
If the commentators have been bad, and generally they have, then their side-kicks have been worse. Far, far worse. On ITV the regular co-commentators Jim Beglin and former Boro man Andy Townsend suffer from being, well, boring. Flat, dull, uninspired, unengaged. Zzzzzz. Townsend in particular has the bewildered air of a man fidgeting with his keys who can't remember where he parked the tactics truck.
And they are both 'foreign.' I'm not going to get animated about that - but I wish they would. Games, often exquisite in fluidity, are reduced to plodding affairs in which they trail the action by a long way and only ever relate the slo-mo replay in detail and with any confidence. We know, we saw it too. It's a visual medium.
Then there's no-nonsense Mick McCarthy - a man who sounds like he should be commentating on One Man And His Dog - who like his teams goes route one as an article of faith. That can be refreshing and at times he has a nice turn of phrase but if I wanted to hear an aggressive old bloke growl "that keeper is a right tart" in a gruff regional accent I could go to the pub.
Come on lads, tell us something that illuminates, illustrates or excites. Explain the thinking of players, the problems in a ball arriving at that speed and angle, the dynamic of space and shape, not cliche bingo platitudes about "the boy'll be disappointed with that."
By far the worst offender up on the gantry is the BBC's world weary Mark Lawrenson, a beige and monotone figure who appears to be descending into a cloud of despair. He has become a parody of himself. He is tired. He needs putting out of his own misery.
There was a time when he was the new broom. No, seriously, there was. He carved out a role of cutting edge comic foil when paired up with the declining Pathe News cartoon figure of John Mostson and at times almost subverted the sheepskin statto stereotype with his contemporary cultural references but now his act is as fly-blown and out-dated and as easily satired as was Motty back then.
His jibe at twitter users as 'sad' (at a time when his employers are anxiously trying to plug into social networks) was a telling moment. Not only did it attract direct unfriendly fire from cyber-space and give the smart phone sharp-shooters on the virtual terrace a legitimate target, it also shows exactly how far out of the cultural loop he now is. There was a time he would have laughed and taunted Motty with talk of hashtags, trending and 'tekkers.' Now he just sounds like a befuddled and mumbling pensioner denouncing modernity.
His delivery is one-dimensional, his predictable forced quips filleted of topical content. If you strain you can just hear the tad-boom-tsssh he whispers under his breath when he is particularly proud of the word play of one of his quips. His remarks are less confident, more forced and quieter, almost as if he is playing to an audience of one. He is a ghost ship drifting in search of a moment long gone.
Listening to him has the dated, dusty feel of chancing upon a 1987 edition of Three Of A Kind on Comedy Gold+1 when channel-hopping and wondering who exactly in television ever commissioned that. Look at those clothes! Did people really laugh at that!
Still, there's alway the red button and the "choice of audio" option. Great, Alan Green, a man whose simmering self-righteous sense of indignation at being forced to watch such sub-standard fare is delivered in a whine that makes you yearn for the vuvuzela. It must be a decade since Green actually enjoyed a match. He sounds like he is broadcasting live from purgatory, and boy is he going to make us share his suffering.
(At this point it is worth noting that if you do need to listen to a game at work or in the car then over on Radio White Van Man... TalkSport... Stan Collymore is running rings around the Beeb with commentaries that are well informed, entertaining, engaging and convey some of the drama, tension and passion that most supporters expect. He expresses a shared love of the game and makes it sound like a labour of love.)
Back on the red button it could be worse than Green. No, really, it could. One match offered the terrifying chance to listen to the game in the dark soulless company of radio's Chris Moyles - an enlarged ego with no visible means of support - and his simpering sycophantic sidekick "Comedy" Dave. For another game the alternative commentary option was a bunch of giggling txt-talking airheads stumbling over soundbites and fumbling half-heard tabloid factoids; it was a team from kids channel CBBC. I fear for our children.
Meanwhile, the star-studded studio sofa teams have been seriously flawed too, with the complacent BBC being, for once, the chief offenders.
The job of the 'expert' is to illuminate, to point out tactical and technical nuances for the layman, to provide insight the mere mortal may miss.
Alan Shearer before Poland's clash with the Czechs glibly revealed on behalf of the studio collective: "We don't know a lot about these teams"... and then went on to prove it.
For Shearer these lads don't play in the Premier League therefore they may as well not exist. The limited horizons of the experts knowledge were clearly marked out.
And even with those players familiar from the Premier League Shearer's knowledge gaps were frightening.
"Mario Balotelli... he's achieved nothing yet," he pronounced, talking down the Italian's main striking threat in his pre-match bombast for the England game.
That will be the Balotelli that has won Serie A three times and the Champions League with Inter Milan as well as the Premier League with Manchester City, what, ooooh, it must be six weeks ago now; a player more than entitled to ask Shearer to "show us your medals."
That alarming trait of brazenly flaunting a lack of knowledge was also present in the last big outing, World Cup 2010 in South Africa when Shearer went so far as teasing Lee Dixon for talking about the pre-match preparation he had done, research on likely players and possible formations. It was an overgrown schoolboy clown teasing a conscientious classmate for doing his homework. He was proudly and publicly championing his own short-comings without a shred of self-awareness.
The arrogant dismissal of preparation, a failure to see any need to be informed about the opposition is symptomatic of a wider flaw within an insular English mindset about the game that sees anything dangerously foreign as not really being worthwhile.
Isn't it Shearer's well paid licence fee-payer funded job to ensure his knowledge isn't so obviously limited? Otherwise what's the point of him being there? No-one expects him to don an anorak of comprehensive Motsonian minutae but surely the BBC research department - or heaven forbid, he himself - could have compiled an idiot's guide?
That's what I expect from an 'expert': tell me something I don't already know. But of course, therein lies the problem. These people are not really experts at all.
Yes, they know plenty about the teams, tactics and culture of the Premiership Big Four (and Liverpool) - they probably play golf with the main protagonists - but they know alarmingly little about life outside the big club bubble. Anyone who follows a makeweight club in England knows that already.
On the international stage that damning deficit is magnified - they don't know the players or how teams shape up or what to expect in terms of tempo, tactics or style and don't appear to have made any serious attempt to find out.
The pundits should have been telling us exactly how Spain and Germany control and manipulate space and tempo; how, when and why they switch formations during a game; and, crucially, how opposing teams can set out to deal with it, neutralise it. Why are these teams the dominant forces in football? What can WE do to match them.
Instead we got dumbstruck impotence and the tentative high level tactical advice that the underdogs in any given game should just "do a Chelsea" and "park the bus."
That tactical illiteracy and an awe of unknowable alien technique that sees tika-taka as just this side of witchcraft is part of England's debilitating self-imposed blindfold.
Until we embrace 'tactics' and 'technique' as part of our football discourse we are condemned to the English recipe of passion, physique and 'putting it in the mixer'. And that change has to start with those who conduct the debate in public.
It is noticeable that it has taken the foreigners on the sofa - Clarence Seedorf, Jurgen Klinsmann, Roberto Martinez and Gianluca Vialli (and over on ITV, Jamie Carragher) - to take up the mission to explain in their second tongue but sad that their imput is listened to reverently if impatiently... then usually followed by some schoolboy quip and giggling.
ITV have had more interesting pundits. Bristling Carragher and the constantly seething Roy Keane are quick to offer not only some insight but also real opinions and flashes of passion and appear not inhibited in the slightest by an otherwise universal urge to placate the sensitivities of cosy football's Magic Circle.
Both are listenable and assertive but are hampered by having Adrian Chiles nearby, thinking not as a journalist and looking for ways to expand what could be an engaging debate, but instead from within his "every bloke" pigeonhole and labouring for a leaden quip as awkward as his screen presence. He makes you lean for the remote.
Gareth Southgate has faded after some early promise in his first tentative studio outings a few years ago, though he has been neutered by his rise up the FA while it will stick in Boro fans' throats to see Gordon Strachan not only dish out tactical advice to big name managers but also castigate players for being rude to journalists.
Generally the old boys network is not great value. It doesn't illuminate and it doesn't provoke. And it certainly doesn't entertain. It doesn't match the big occasion.
For domestic games that doesn't matter as we know the players, the teams and the context ourselves. Their bit is just padding and a chance to make a trip to the fridge.
On the big stage though, when viewers actually need some help they have proved useless.
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You're lucky. I have to suffer Nigerian "experts" and occasionally South African. The SA guests for the tournament were John Barnes & Rudi Kroll, they were truly cringeworthy, especially Kroll. Gary Bailey on the other hand is not too bad when he takes his Man U hat off.
It's best not to mention the Nigerian contingent, one of whom once announced that Steven Gerrard has never been a good player! To be fair though he got laughed at....
Luckily I have been watching Euro 2012 on German TV where I am. I can't actually speak German but the lack of having to listen to the inane driblings of the UK commentary teams has been refreshing.
Thank god someone else sees this.
If football fans and licence payers had any say in who the "experts" were 95% of them would be gone. However at least we were saved from Crooks
It sounds like we're better served in the US... our own Robbie Mustoe provides excellent analysis on ESPN, and the unlikely studio team of Alexei Lalas and Michael Ballack is pretty insightful.
Roberto Martinez cleverly and eloquently showed why he has been so successful at Wigan. A joy to listen to and very informative. Surely it is only a matter of time before one of the "Big Clubs" gives him the stage he so richly deserves.
Don't get me started on Adrian Chiles!
I once sat next to Alan Green in an airport departure lounge but didn't let on I knew who he was. (Can't stand the bloke) he was approached by a fan who jokingly said he had a great job, best seats in the house and getting paid for it. His reply was that it was extremely hard work.
It was that comment that allowed me to launch into a scathing verbal attack on him (several years of shouting at the radio went in to it). This led to him gathering up his belongings and Harrumphing himself off to another seat.
**AV writes: Well played.
One nice thing about having satellite TV is you can watch international matches without the depressing choice of commentators available in the UK.
Even a commentary you can't understand is better than drivel you can.
I find that the German commentators tend to be more thoughtful, balanced and knowledgeable than their British counterparts. I think ZDF's Oliver Schmidt is one of the better ones.
Totally on point AV. One of England's problems is the old media not giving fans a proper insight and understanding of the players, teams and qualities required in international football.
Lawrenson, has slid in to a deeply entrenched bowl of cynicism, of what he seems to think are pithy comments. If he's so jaded and miserable about it all, how about quitting? It's time to take old Yeller out back.
After an outburst from Carragher saying "football is a game of lies", a panicked Chiles quickly pointing out that's not the view of ITV. It's mostly been tired old cliche's, but then again it took the BBC a few tournaments to realise that Germany were a modern passing team.
On a positive note Jake Humphrey did a fine job trying to add a bit of depth and context to the games, as he does on the F1.
By the way, in real life Alan Green looks like a badly put together ventriloquists dummy wearing one of Elton John's cast off hair pieces!
I am split in my opinion about ITV and BBC coverage.
I hate the aderts at half time reducing the discussion on the match but conversely it is a blessed relief from the experts. Go to the toilet, open a beer.
Generally in agreement with you AV, especially on the opinionated Green. However I think your most scathing attack was on Lawro, who I find quite amusing and I was missing him desperately when Keown was 'waxing lyrical' in the Spain v Portugal game. Still, each to their own.
Absolutely, couldn't agree more. I've enjoyed AC Jimbo and the rest of the Guardian Fiver crew laying into Lawro and Keown during the tournament, they really are woeful co-commentators. And poor Andy Townsend, he genuinely doesn't seem to understand anything. Some other annoying things:
- Hansen's slurred-grumble-defensive-cliches, which are referred to when he's not even there.
- Constantly beginning questions to Klinsmann with 'As a German...', and all the awkward, occasionally xenophobic comments that follow.
- The volume of Jonathan Pearce. He's worth about 8-12 extra clicks on the remote.
- The irony of saying England needed more than just heart and spirit, but not being able to prescribe anything more than heart and spirit.
- Clive Tyldesley.
- Gabriel Clarke's "I'm your mate but I'm too cool for all this but I'm really deep and ask posing questions" post-match semi-aggressive interviewing technique. If I was a player/coach I would have told him to sod off by now.
- Calling Scott Parker "Scotty". I think it was Robbie Earle who started this on The Premiership. In fact, informalising anyone's name. Or formalising them, as in 'Andrew Cole'.
Phew, good to get that off my chest.
I always watch with the sound off!
Seriously and I've done it for years!
Couldn't agree more, AV. The coverage has been truly appalling.
Shearer, Hansen and Lawrenson have all been hopeless. At half-time during the England- Italy game, not one of the 'experts' commented on the glaring problem undermining England's performance: the failure of Welbeck, Young, Milner and Rooney(in that order) to keep hold of the ball.
And Lineker scarcely even attempted to contribute. His association with crisps, and his dopey advertising persona are shameful and undermine any credibility he might once have had as one of the few ex pros who could string a sentence together.
On that topic, how is it that Chris Waddle can spend a lifetime playing and talking about football, but is still unable to pronounce the word 'penalty'? And I'm afraid I wince whenever Shearer (and many others) opine that a player has'went for the ball'.
My pet hate on match commentators is their universal tendency to be non-commital on specific incidents until they have seen the slo-mos, but then to berate the officials for what was 'clearly' a penalty or off-side. You can see this happening dozens of times in every game.
Mind you there never was a golden age of football commentary. Raymond Glendenning was always well behind the play in his radio commentaries. Goals would come out of the blue, Glendenning having to backtrack to tell you how it all happened. The experts have often lacked even basic knowledge. Jack Charlton would routinely say things like, 'That little number seven is causing a lot of trouble'.
The basic problem is that on BBC and ITV, football programmes have not actually been aimed primarily at football fans, but at a wider family audience. When ITV introduced 'panels' to comment on the World Cups in the 70s, they did so to make the programmes more predictably entertaining. The unpredictability of football is a major problem for TV. But audiences might be less inclined to switch over from a dull goal-less draw between Poland and Italy, if they know that at half-time there will be a bit of a barney between Cloughie , Derek Dougan, and Mick Channon.
Much as I dislike the privatisation of football by Sky, the channel has taken football seriously and assumed a degree of specialist knowledge and interest in its audience that has left the terrestrial channels in its wake. Gary Neville has been terrific as an analyst on Sky, not least because he is not encouraged to be a personality, or an entertainer, or to dumb down to his audience. Instead it is assumed,almost uniquely in television, that serious, detailed and often technical content alone will be engaging enough to hold the interest of a large audience.
The BBC and ITV do not have that kind of faith in either the content or audience of their football coverage, and that, I believe, lies at the bottom of your well articulated criticisms.
I hate to say this but they made Ally Brownlee sound like an expert.
A very loud "Hear, Hear!" to Len Masterman at 12.07am.
As Chris Waddle would say: no pelanty has yet been exacted despite the poverty of "expert" TV football analysis.
It seems as though a majority of former footballers can't speak English. Really simple verbs are routinely and completely mashed. It is usually a relief to hear from sensible German/Dutch/Scandinavian ex-players, as they seem to know more about the game and can put their views better into English.
I suspect foreign players can also speak their native languages perfectly well. It must be a British thing.
I have three T.V. Sport packages out here, only to catch the championship round up each week also Championship games, Prem and Champions League. I wish I could get BORO TV but it’s only available in the U.K.
The amount of ex-Prem footballer pundits out here is incredible and 90% of them are so inept it’s untrue. I like Terry Venables, he is wise and interesting. I like Andy Townsend he has a good footballing brain.
However, I have listened to many better pundits down the pub, people who make you laugh, people who are interesting. Could you imagine the next big Boro game with a panel of Roy Chubby Brown, Mark Page and YOU AV? Now tell me that would not be more interesting T.V.than Pally and McQueen.
Here in the U.A.E. much of the comments are dubbed into Arabic. Its total rubbish. Or the questions are asked in Arabic and answered in English by People like
John Barnes, boring.
Signings at the Boro, slow slow slow. We need players in before the season kicks off not the last minute. Remember Arca last season? He signed late, missed pre-season and never picked up the pace.
Hope to hell McMahon is resigned and quickly. He is one of us. In addition, the kid wants, and deserves to play for Boro. Please dont let him go Mogga
The Olympics - who the hell dropped Beckham? IDIOT? The guy deserved this swan song
So guys watch the U.A.E.Olympic Team. A guy called Amar Abdulrahman Centre Midfield. This guy can play. He is desperate to play in Europe with the Prem his first choice (availible and affordable). He would not be out of place playing for Barca with his passing skills and cool head,
Boro could get him I’m sure, swap for our top earner. If Mogga wants the agent's number I have it. He can look him up on google. He would have an impact like Juniniho. Similar player. Watch out for him, he will become a sensation
**AV writes: On Beckham I don't buy into the wave of celeb sentiment that he "deserves" to be picked so he could bow out on a high or that it is some kind of national scandal that he hasn't been included.
The hysterical tabloid reaction and the public abuse aimed at Stuart Pearce over this has been sickening. It's crazy. Most of it is driven by people who don't even care about football, just the spectacle. You can't pick teams on the basis of a popularity contest, brand-building or bums on seats. Jeez. It's not X-Factor. And people wonder why England can't win international tournaments.
It is not some overblown testimonial for the Gary Barlow of football. It's a competitive event - or, at least, it is supposed to be. Nothing would signal more that GB are NOT taking this seriously than including a 37-year-old bloke in the squad for an Under-23 competition because he "really, really wants to play" and has done such a lot to raise the profile. That is what OBEs and other froth is for.
Spot on with the Beckham comment. As for the commentators and half time "analysis" panel, it's only the foreign contingent who speak intelligently and articulately in a second language. Post modern irony at it's finest. (Bit of cod philosophy there.)
Where's Kenneth Wolstenholme when you need him?
Seriously Vic, that's an excellent piece. Not just because of the what's written but also how it is written. I laughed out loud a few times.
On the content I agree with almost everything, but it's all about opinions I suppose. Some people might like what's on offer.
I have the choice of hopping between German and English commentary, but we usually plump for English. My boys actually think Lawro is funny. (Insert jokes about German sense of humour here). There was one bizarre occasion when Robben was taken off and they more or less ignored the game for the next five minutes and commentated on his progress round the pitch.
Lawro: "There's no I in team. Together Everybody Achieves More."
The other gadgie "Did you learn that at Liverpool?"
Lawro "No, I just made it up."
Well we laughed, anyway.
Vialli and Martinez were the best at half time. I quite like Keane and Hansen as well. Alan Shearer is trying to get in the Guiness Book Of Records for the most clichés in the shortest space of time.
I don't like Klinsman, he's too american. He's nowhere near as well thought of in Germany as he is in England. Everybody knows it was Löw who did all the work in 2006. Klinsman was just a figurehead. And he failed miserably at Bayern.
I think you were the only Englishman that realised that the German changes against Greece were for tactical reasons. Not one of the so called experts seemed to grasp the concept of using squad rotation to change tactics according to opponents. All they talked about about was "gambling" on resting players for the next round.
**AV writes: It just suited the stereotype of "German arrogance." Lazy too. For me it was obvious why they had changed the front-line. Maybe the failure of our public opinion shapers to grasp something so simple is part of the problem.
Thankfully I've been abroad for EURO so haven't had to stomach the levels of punditry on English TV, but I can well imagine.
For me, the tipping point was EURO 2008. Up to then they'd been able to get away with "Let's look at the goals" then it was off to the England camp for a 10-minute interview/feature. That level of "analysis" means you can get away with little/no research.
In 2008, England weren't there - and suddenly that safety net had disappeared. That led to pundits etc finding another safety net - players who are playing or have played in the Premier League. Wax lyrical about them and it covers up for the fact that you've not bothered to find out anything about the team itself.
I remember at the end of the EURO 2008 group stage experts on both BBC and ITV mentioned Fabregas as Spain's key player, even though he'd been a sub in the first two matches and played in the third - when they were already through and had a reserve team out. Xavi and Iniesta were mentioned in passing, if at all. Nothing illustrates the level of insular ignorance that pervades the British TV football coverage than that. It's not as if they were obscure players; Barcelona are on Sky every weekend.
Another 2008 highlight was Hansen saying about Andrey Arshavin that "I'd never heard of him". Bad enough at any level but when you think he'd played against England twice in qualifying - and helped Russia knock them out - plus played a starring role in Zenit St Petersburg's UEFA Cup run which culminated in a final dismantling of A SCOTTISH CLUB live on British TV, absolutely unforgivable.
On to 2010. Shearer on Slovenia v Algeria: "We don't know anything about these two teams". They're in England's group Alan, why not? The draw was made eight months ago, and there's been an Africa Cup of Nations shown extensively on British TV - and, I think I'm right in saying, on the BBC - since then, giving you the perfect chance to do some research on Algeria if nothing else.
Before England v Germany in 2010, the BBC pundits between them reckoned one Germany player - Lahm - would get in the England side. To take two examples, at that point Miroslav Klose had 50 international goals to his name; England's striker was Jermain Defoe. Even if you want to argue the case, most people would surely agree that that is not a simple decision in favour of Defoe. The other really glaring comparison was between Bastian Schweinsteiger and Gareth Barry. Sorry Bastian, your trophy haul at Bayern and regular appearances in the later stages of the Champions League doesn't count for anything I'm afraid - you've not played in England so are therefore rubbish.
Perhaps worse, even watching England get taken apart in that game hasn't prompted anyone involved - although that's perhaps hoping for levels of self-awareness and modesty that Shearer, Hansen et al might not be capable of - to think "Mmm, I've got that pretty wrong. Might be worth doing a bit of research in the future to stop myself looking like a complete clown again."
Nothing summed up the BBC attitude better than Roy Hodgson's press conference before England v Sweden this time round. Hodgson started his coaching career in Sweden and mentioned how much he'd enjoyed it, how significant it was for him and how he still had many friends there - then said he'd played Sweden four times when he was coach of Switzerland in the early to mid-1990s.
A little bit later on, Gabby Logan gets the chance to ask a question - which I can't imagine is ever easy as these sort of things given the levels of media interest. She chooses to take the opportunity to say "Roy, can you remember what those results were against Sweden?" - a question she could have found the answer to herself within about five minutes. And that's being generous.
What really riles me is that I don't understand when ignorance became a badge of honour. When Shearer says he knows nothing about two teams in England's group, why isn't someone - preferably on air, but I'd settle for off - telling him that's not good enough? When pundits offer nothing beyond bland "He won't be happy with that", why aren't presenters saying "Yes, obviously. But what did he do wrong?" And why aren't pundits pressed to do the job they're paid for properly?
It's too much to hope for for Lineker to lay into Hansen, but you would think directors or producers would have a go. Or do they think the output is what people want and the best it can be? If they do, a quick glance round the internet might give them the shock of their lives.
I note that Gerrard is not over enamoured with Mr Carragher for his comments.
I must admit I quite like the scouser for his blunt honesty. Alongside Gary Neville he is one of the better players turned pundit.
I saw him on a Sky match when a centre half grappled with a striker at a corner. Was it a penalty Jamie? The scouse mud wrestling champion had the good grace to admit he was the last person to ask about that.
AV -
Beckham a ticket seller (come on). "Young man young man you’ve become an
Overpaid ticket seller. Now go get a proper hair cut.” A Cloughism from our A.V.
Cloughy was a great T.V. pundit. No one knew what he would say next. Brilliant:
To be honest I cannot stand to listen to either of the two experts the Dark Destroyer GS1 nor the expert poisoned dwarf GS2. Both tactical illiterates. Did Southgate ever get a coaching badge?
So glad McMahan will be resigning. You correct about his short passing skills
but he defends well and hits a good long ball and hes always committed, a true 100%er.
Glad to see Stuart Parnaby back, at only 29 he’s a good signing. Remember AV I asked about him last year on this blog, You were unsure of his situation. I thought maybe some bad feeling existed or club politics were at work. Because he should have been a nailed on re-sign; better than two or three we did sign. Southgate pushed the lad out.
My opinion Parnaby is the finest utility player Boro have produced (including Rolls Rhys). He can play right or left full back and midfield he can even play the holding roll which by god we needed last year when Bailey was injured. How many points were lost with Bailey out, as well as momentum?
McClaren played him most weeks and McClaren knew a good player when he saw one. Remember Parnaby saw off players like Reiziger the Dutch international. He battled his way through the competition much like Robbie Mustoe against the big stars. The boy can play and he will be an excellent signing.
Welcome Home Stewart Parnaby
Sad loss Agnew moving on, He was a good coach. Good luck to him. Does Hignett not have his coaching badges? He would be welcomed back and fits the bill
**AV writes: Higgy is all badged up and already works for the club coaching the juniors. U-14s I think. I believe he has applied for a new role in the expanded Academy once the Category 1 status is approved.
For inane comments watch it from Oz where the bastions of football, Gary McAlistair, Dennis WIse and Andy Cole have made the decision to get up on a morning to watch the games even harder.
It's debatable whether Beckham could demand a place in the Team GB squad on merit - if he had have been selected would he have been the worst player in the squad?
I think having a player of his profile in the team would have had its benefits - who could raise the spirits of the team and crowd more if he came on as a sub with 30 minutes to go - especially every time a free kick was awarded around the box.
It's easy to knock the guy but I doubt if there are many other players who want to give any more on the pitch - besides how come Micah Richards, who declined to be on standby for Euro 2012, was deemed worthy to be awarded a place in the squad.
I also think his media presence would have taken the pressure of the younger players and got the neutrals behind the team too.
OK, he may have failed spectacularly but Stuart Pearce has in many eyes acted as a killjoy for those people who only occasionally take an interest in international football.
Nick from Brisbane
Watch out for the lawsuit. The gentleman wishes to be known as Andrew Cole
I watched a good part of last nights Euro final and the movement of the Spanish team is amazing, mesmorising even.
They were helped by Italy playing two up front allowing Spains nominally six man midfield to harry Italy high up the pitch. It reminded me a little of Boro at Highbury in the infamous 7-0 demolition.
It does beg the question of what would have happened if Italy had matched up with a six man midfield? Spain would have won anyway but it would have been fairly dull.
As Arsene would have said, the opposition didnt play the game properly by not letting us overun their outnumbered midfield.
Oh for such debate at the Riverside!
AV -
The coverage of the Final last night confirmed your content!! Pity that Gary Neville was with Eng-er-lund rather than with a broadcaster - despite the fact that Sky, to who he's contracted (and who would have done the whole thing better than BBC and ITV put together) were not involved.
Gianluca Vialli who was warm, witty and well informed as well as dignified in defeat made your point about 'the foreigners'. And his command of English - even the colloquialisms - made the 'home grown' look every bit as poor as you describe in both what he said and how he said it.
It's always interesting to have something to learn from an International tournament - I can remember the days (before the Champions League became the pinnacle of the game and before every game was televised) when you'd come away from a World Cup or a Euros with a free kick routine you hadn't seen before, a new style of play or set out.
From our playground and Sandy Flats kick-abouts to League grounds you'd see folks trying to emulate them in the season following - with varying degrees of success!!
There were a few things - apart from the over-worked Spain 'no strikers' version of 4-3-3 - that struck me this time round.
Full backs. The absolute requirement for wing backs that spend as much time attacking as defending - though defo doing both, regardless of the formation in front of them and as part of a back four.
The most successful sides featured their full backs giving width in the opposition half most of the time but still demanded them being back to defend when necessary and expected them to have the pace and skills to deliver the full package. Not new, of course, but more pronounced this time, I thought.
Lots of the best exponents had had experience both as wingers and full backs but were now, absolutely, wing backs - hope Joe Bennett was watching. I'm sure he will have been.
The defence splitting pass along the deck. Maybe it's linked to the above but the killer pass between full back and centre back - either to the over-lapping wing back inside the full back on the diagonal or to a striker running onto a straight ball was a feature - and almost unanswerable.
Hitting the byline to cross. Always worked of course but seemed to have gone out of fashion. But, this time round it was 'de rigeur' for the wing-back, winger or whoever was wide in the front line to get to the byelne and pull back a cross on the ground or in the air - or feint to cross and then dribble into the six yard box before trying a shot from a narrow angle. Devastating.
Interesting, too, that Pirlo was - rightly - lauded for his displays as a 'quarterback' style playmaker. Spain showed what to do to nullify the role - and equally interesting that no-one else used it.
Maybe that's because it requires a Pirlo to do it successfully and - though there'd have been more several years ago when it was the fashion - there aren't many of those to the pound now!! The Italian is the exception to the rule proved by Thomo.
Blimey, what a relief I thought I was turning into Victor Meldrew!
For years I've questioned why the BBC thinks it needs to pay a fortune to incompetent, incoherent perma-tanned, eye-brow plucked fools who can't speak English and clearly despite being ex-pros have no insight into the tactics and subtleties of a game of football.
My blood pressure rises as soon as I see Lineker, Hansen & Lawrenson. At best they've been around too long. Surely there are plenty of eloquent and knowldegable ex-pros out there who have something interesting to say about a game of football. It also makes me cringe when I hear Germans, Dutch, Italians, Scandanavians expressing themselves so much more eloquently in their second language than British commentators can in their first.
As for Alan Green his style is one dimensional, predictable and irritating.
I rarely watch football on ITV because I can't stand the adverts or Adrian Chiles. Although from what little I've seen I liked Carragher who seems honest and funny, he wont last long. As for Roy Keane, he may have something interesting to say but someone who deliberatley sets out to maim a fellow player and then brags about it in order to sell a book doesn't deserve my time.
Personally, I like to listen to Gullit, Souness and Gary Neville. Who I suspect are all people who dont care about upsetting 'the boys' and so speak freely.
Jeffey Wood -
Where did you get the info that McMahon will be resigning? Hope youre right.
Hope we have an attacking philosophy next season.
Although its probably treasonable to say it but I would like an attacking intent from all over the pitch like Peter Reid's Sunderland in their promotion year. By the way, how did he manage to become such a bad manager so quickly after that!?
**AV writes: There is an offer on the table for McMahon which he is considering while weighing up his options. It amounts to a massive wage cut and he will be looking to see if he can get more elsewhere. He might but probably not. I believe the the offer is just above the going rate for a Championship full-back.
Putting David Beckham in the Olympic football squad would have been perverse. He's way past his sell by date. He was a good footballer, now he's a good self publicist.
I can't think of any good footballing reason for including him in the squad. He should have retired graciously years ago from international football and quietly enjoyed his footie in the USA while building his 'celebrity profile'. A straight forward and obvious decision by Stuart Pearce. This is the Olympics we're talking about not the Sky veterans competition.
Football has no place in the Olympics anyway.
I don't think Olympic football is anything but an add-on and symptom of the bloating of the event that includes tennis as well.
In fact Team GB (or should that be Team England & Wales) was only created as a one-off in order to drum up interest and fill the stadia. That's why I was surprised to see David 'the most famous footballer in the world' Beckham left out of the final squad.
Also how can Team GB hope to play with any kind of fluency when they will only spend a couple of weeks together before the tournament starts - plus they don't exactly have the best tactical coach leading them.
Still at least Jason Steele made the cut, but does that now make him the second best young British keeper? I think if Mowbray brings in another keeper he may have a fight to be first choice at Boro next season.
So overall I'm sure more people would have turned up to see Beckham's farewell tour rather than a half-baked Team GB play like strangers. Anyway let's hope they don't have to play at a two-thirds empty Hampden Park.
Interesting to hear Mogga has lots of closed door and other friendlies lined up. My thnking is he must have a lot of trialists in view, and not only goalies. Any inside info on that AV.
**AV writes: We won't know until Thursday when pre-season training starts. There are a lot of unattached players knocking about now so it wouldn't surprise me to see quite a few drifting through as he has a good look.
Watched the EURO final yesterday and Spain were by far the better side and I was please that Torres scored as I think he has not been given the credit he is due. For me he is a great team player, I think he might have scored a second goal himself but set it up for Mata and I have watched him do this many times for Liverpool and Chelsea.
On another note I have read with interest some of the fans comments regarding Boro players and it seems to me that a lot of fans tend to forget that the players are professionals and are therefore entitled to get the best deal possible, after all their football playing days can be very short.
Its great when a player signs for the club but I do not begrudge a player leaving the club for more money if he has done his best for the club while he was there and to possibly to further his career.
Any comments AV?
**AV writes: For the vast majority of players football is just a job. That is the only way to view it. Forget any Corinthian notions of loyalty or sense of duty or obligation. That is sentimental clap-trap.
Any supporter who judges any player by unreasonably high subjective "moral" standards over employment and financial matters or would try to impose restrictions, conditions or performance targets that they would not accept themselves faces charges of hypocrisy and a lifetime of mental and emotional gymnastics that will inevitably end in bitterness.
AV -
Totally agree about the double standards fans impose upon players. They expect loyalty they would never observe themselves.
That doesnt mean the players should absolve themselves from any responsibility for their actions. I suspect Bates and Macca would have some feelings of guilt if they moved for cherrybobs after how the club looked after them during long spells in the treatment room.
On to Beckham, feel sorry for the player, even for the bloke but that bears no relevance to his non selection. I feel sorry or Bale getting injured and missing out and pleased for Steele for being selected.
It appears he didnt get in for football reasons, the rest is an irrelevance. He served his country well and that is the end of the topic.
AV wrote: "For the vast majority of players football is just a job. That is the only way to view it. Forget any Corinthian notions of loyalty or sense of duty or obligation. That is sentimental clap-trap."
But AV, don't you have any loyalty in a job? Even if it's just a job - I hope most of the players are there for they want play rather than just earn money - one can be loyal and committed. Think about our Barry or our AV. We all could do something else if money were the only criteria.
#mogganaut. The reason Parnaby signed? Up the Boro!
**AV writes: It's not just about money. It is about all the personal traits that people bring to their workplace in any job. In any office/shop/factory you get same spectrum as in a football club. There are always people who fancy working in London, or abroad; people who are a fiercely ambitious; people who are company loyalists; people who get bored after a couple of years; people who love their job and feel theyu have a vocation; people happy to settle down for life; those frustrated waiting for Dead Men's Shoes; habitual moaners; those who think the grass is greener... all human life is there. A club is no different.
In the Gazette if people want to move on they apply for other jobs and everyone understands and is happy for them and never questions their professionalism, their ability to do their job while serving their notice or their moral fibre. We would not expect them to be vilified by readers or colleagues. That would be bizarre.
You can't demand players all exhibit the same traits, especially not emotional ones. There is no oath of loyalty, no long term commitment and no demand to go beyond the call of duty. It's not the army. You can't demand they react to the club in the same way supporters do, especially if they are from outside the area.
Supporters have to use a form of algebra when looking at players, contracts and transfers and consider the value of X, where X is their own wages and/or conditions of employment. Most would be off from their own job in a shot and wouldn't give a toss about customers or colleagues if they could double their wages by moving to the same job in Stockton, Sunderland or Swindon.
Move to Sunderland, AV? Do you think I come from Stockton? Wash your mouth out!
And, on a slightly different tack, I think some of the readers might feel a little miffed to learn of SOME of the Gazette staff being about to change stables.
Think of it. Let's say Mr Tallentire had spent a few years declaring the Gazette had always been his favourite paper, that Cliff Mitchell was his childhood hero, and Phil was regularly photographed kissing the front page of the Gazette, telling the world that its readers were "the best, most informed readership in the country".
Let's say he had been helped through a prolonged spell of "writer's block" in which he proved incapable of putting his fingers to a keypad and he was unable to write any story with a sporting theme. We wouldn't mind, but it was the FIFTH time his writer's block had recurred.
After another set of expensive visits to the best experts in the world, and a few trips to the Priory to rid himself of his "demons", the management decide to allow him to practice, to have a few "run-outs" in the newsroom, or to attempt to draft sporting stories "behind closed doors".
Eventually, after a lengthy gap, and one or two false dawns (the report on the Redcar tiddlywinks disaster, or his account of the Under 12 Porridge Gobbling Championships that came to a sticky end), it is felt our hero is ready to face his demanding public again - albeit one that is now beginning to wonder whether he is still alive.
In such circumstances, news that he had been negotiating a move to the Inverness Courier would come as something of a let-down to the few left who could remember the beauty of his prose. Or maybe not.....
**AV writes: It's the silly season. It's just speculation. It's only paper talk...
*kisses Gazette badge*
This article needs to be read nationally and by the studio bosses. Spot on in everything it says which it says so well. Well done, Vickers!
Grant Leadbitter was a good start to the summer business but I'm much less encouraged by the rest of what I'm hearing rumoured - or even confirmed by Mogga or, now, actually happened.
Stuart Parnaby - without a club for a year and training on his own at Crockliffe - given a two year deal with an option for a third. And then there's your Friend and mine. Hmmm.....
And now that the Butterfield pipe dream has faded away with confirmed interest from Prem clubs, it seems to be 'the project' Ledesma and Carayol on the cards. Double Hmmmmm..... with knobs on!
The latest rumour is Andre Amougou (nee Bikey) for central defence. Treble Hmmmm..... with sirens and flashing yellow lights!!
This isn't at all encouraging - even if we're talking squad players.
And even if it is squad players isn't that using up wage bill headroom that we might well need for other first string options?
Or maybe we only get first string options that will need a fee if those that 'don't have to be sold' actually are sold because we get and offer that can't be refused.
For England v Italy the inane, dreary chunterings Lawro et al drove me to seek solace in Schweizer Fernsehen 1 (SF1). The Swiss TV coverage had two massive advantages:
1) It was on their HD channel. Not sure if the match was recorded in HD, but the reception was much better.
2) The commentary was much funnier.
My personal highlight was the pronounciation of "Steven Gerrard". The Swiss commentator made him sound like a 1920s French silent movie actor.
"Rooney" on the other hand sounds like a yob whatever language you're speaking....
Now that Parnaby jnr has returned does that close the door on Macca. Or will it mean both on the books.
Well worth an online poll. Parnaby or McMahon?
As for the rest of the transfer activity, I agree with JP. Not over exciting, it does smack of a bench of seven retreads and bench warmers.
We are told there are lots of top players being released, somewhere.
**AV writes: My understanding is that a deal remains on the table for McMahon. It isn't what he thinks he is worth. Will he get more elsewhere? I'm not sure he will. But the longer he waits the more the likelihood that Mogga will allocate that position/allocated chunk of wages to someone else.
There is an honorable history of good managers signing players who will fit into the style of play and ethos he has in mind. That's the opposite of signing players because they looked good on the DVD or they had great opta stats.
I remember there being quite a lot of hmmming when Big Jack signed Bobby, "fat and past-it", Murdoch.
There was even more hmmmming when Brian Clough signed a bus load of misfits and rejects when he took over at the team that it would be better not to mention.
Personally I am prepared to wait serenely and observe while Mogga's plan unfolds over the next few months. Perhaps his team will create a buzz around the Riverside.
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Spot on, Vic.
The problem wasn't what the majority of pundits and commentators did, but what they didn't do. Too many of them, with a few honourable exceptions (like Martinez and Keane) were "on the fence", failing to realise that they needed to be more opinionated to stand out, to keep people watching. I had hoped RTE's "Holy Trinity" of O'Herlihy, Dunphy and Giles would be a saving grace, but they're not what they were.
But we can't call the national pundits *entirely* useless. Not yet, anyway. Shearer, for example, was right when he said "Germany are good, but they are not brilliant" - something which I didn't realise until "Super" Mario dumped them all on their proverbial backsides.
That, and BBC's presentation - apart from the opening sequence, which ITV have easily bettered in the last three major tournaments - has been excellent. (As an aside, memorable classical numbers mixed with great graphics and iconic imagery always win, as ITV have handily proven in the last two European Championships. I still enjoy watching Euro 2008's "Queen Of The Night" sequence on YouTube to this day.)
On another, possibly happier note: Welcome back, Parns! I never really wanted to see him leave to begin with. Although it's more than likely his signing means the end for Tony Mc. (As another aside: Is it just me, Vic, or does Mogga never seem to take Tony Mc seriously, no matter how consistently he proves himself?)
Welcome back Stuart Parnaby, there's a career almost totally wasted.......
Simon Fallaha -
It is ironic that Gordon Strachan really rates Macca.
Even more surprising is the fact England are up to fourth in the FIFA rankings.
A career wasted? He's won a League Cup, played in the UEFA Cup final and spent just about his his entire career in the Premier League! Some waster.
Even when he was at Boro before (even though the usual suspects booed him before kick-off) he was a decent solid pro. Easily good enough for a place in a squad even though he was up against Mills, Riezieger etc. Can play in midfield too.
He wasn't bombed out, he left because his contract was up and he went to another Premiership club. He left in the same way as Danny Graham and David Murphy but if either of those came back (or fan's darling red card Queudrue who couldn't even get a game at Colchester) the doyles would explode with celebrations.
Why is it so many one-eyed Boro fans think they are a better judge of a player than top level managers? He has trained with Boro for most of last season and if Mogga has seen enough in him to sign him on then the lad deserves a chance. People have done that Boro thing and written him off before he even kicks a ball.
The same people seem to think big hearted plodder Tony McMahon is worth pushing the boat out to resign (give him a pay-rise to beat off interest from Swansea and Wigan, LOL). He is a trier and a 100% but not a footballer in the Mogga mould. He's not the way forward. If he was as good as all these people make out where is the queue of clubs for him?
Burgess?? That's certainly came in from left field although he's been on trial and In Mogga We Trust!
Is there any feedback from his stint in the "development squad"?
**AV writes: He did enough on trial to earn a contract but let's not make too big a deal out of it. He is onlyin the development squad. I've heard some OTT ranting about "how far we have fallen" and "this shows a lack of ambition." All it shows is that we are signing people beyond our immediate patch for the Academy/ressies.
GIVING OUT THE HONORS
A.V. I would like to take you to task on a couple of issues
1) Our friend and favorite ticket seller Sir David Beckham.
You so eloquently pointed out why England would not, could not,and, probably never will win a major international tournament. You were right and many of us football fans were wrong.England blanked again.
However, hold your horses on minute Mr. Vickers. You cannot now use the very same excuse that Sir D.B. inclusion would show we are not serious about winning.
Back in them Golden Olden days it was well known that a number of footballing nations that entertaining the fans was more important than winning. Where did Brazil, Spain and Holland get their reputations from. “By entertaining". Maybe it’s a coincidence that entertainers are offen successful. I don’t think so, you have to be skillful to entertain. Skill wins through.
David Beckham is an entertainer with a worldwide reputation he should have been in the squad for all the right reasons most inportant to use his undouted skills to entertain. He is British and proud of it, he is one of our own.
2) Loyalty of players
I had the pleasure and the privilege to know and call Sir Willie Maddren a friend
He was a guy who loved Boro through and through warts and all, salary no-salary.
His loyalty to the Boro is beyond reproach. In Sir Steve Gibson, we have a chairman who loves the Boro. His loyalty and devotion to the club is beyond question.
In the footsteps of these two great men, we have had many many players whose love and devotion to the club has been overwhelming. Think of Pally, Coops, Mogga and Parkinson. Think of kids like McMahon, Bates, Cattlermole and Wheater. Their love for Boro has been obvious for all to see.
British imports like Hignett, Hendrie, Hickton and our Bernie love Boro. Oversees imports like Juninio, Mendieta, Otto and Schwarzer they all loved the Boro.
Now we are all aware that football is a profession and footballers are professionals. They go where they are wanted and leave clubs they love because of the decision of a manager. Footballers rarely get what they really want unless they are a Ronaldo. Many leave for better opportunities or better salaries however many stay at the club.
However, football has that magic that makes it stand out from the rest. Fans and footballers fall in love with clubs and each other. Youth academies produce many loyal devoted footballers. In addition, every club has its devoted back room staff
Mr Average said '.......big hearted plodder Tony McMahon.....'
I couldn't agree more. McMahon might be a fans favourite because he wears his heart on his sleeve and is '100% Boro' but if we applied that as the criterea for a place in the team then the back four would be Jarrko, Ian Gill, John Powls, Len Masterman. We'd have Forever up front, Werdermouth in midfield etc etc.
If Parnaby has signed I would say McMahon is second choice already even if he re-signs. He may have to take a major pay cut but £4 or £5k a week still sounds pretty good to me.
We need a team full of skillful footballers (at Championship level) if we want to go up and I'm not sure McMahon fits that criteria.
Nigel at 4.03pm:
If I played up front, you'd see a 100% committed player who loves the club, would do nothing to embarrass the club, would be a good ambassador and could be guaranteed to be helpful to the press and never fail to sign autographs.
Sadly, however, there would be a distinct lack of both pace and skill and, more importantly, goals. Answers on a used tenner as to which player(s) that description reminds you of.
My own view is that McMahon isn't a Premier League fullback, but we aren't a Premier League club, and he could "do a job" for us. A much lower contract is/has been offered and if he doesn't get any nibbles elsewhere, he might well decide to sign on the dotted line. He then wouldn't need to move house and he would still have a job (unlike Parnaby last season).
£4K or £5K a week would be less than a banker gets but at least he wouldn't be spat at in the streets. And it would still put him in the top 1% of all earners. Could be worse.
Lots of released football players may be having to make the same calculation in the next few weeks as the reality dawns that, apart from the Premier League and the teams bankrolled by a Mr Moneybags, an economic Ice Age is upon us.
Nigel at 4.03pm -
Nice you rate me but I have played over 15 years now as a defender and the last 10 at left back (here they say the left back in the most stupid player of the team or the coach's son - we don't have a coach currently ...).
So you put me in there again. But I like to attack or at least play in midfield for a change. If I were not so committed to the cause I would ask for a transfer. But I play where needed for Boro. Even if that is warming the bench at the stand or beside a radio.
Up the Boro!
Nigel at 4:03pm-
The first name on the sheet for me would be Grove Hill Wallah. Legendary finishing that cannot be taught!
InLagos, you're right Grove Hill Wallah is the Hickton of the blog, I'm sure Forever could 'do a job' playing in 'the hole'
Nigel at 10.24am - I'd certainly fill it!
I agree with you about the more educated (not the FA's fault) foreign pundits showing up the moronic homegrown element and about hysterical /irritable commentators (Peter Jones was the master imho, and at that alongside some impressive contemporaries) ... BUT aren't the current goons just serving / reflecting a significant part of the football watching Ingerlish demographic (many of which are plastic pretend fans of the SKY clubs, remember)?
As for Strachan, the man is an utter clown and a hypocrite. I also agree about uncomfortable Gareth; he needs to move on as he still looks like a young virgin about to be interviewed for a supermarket undermanager's job.
The Untypical Boro blog XI
I'm guessing we would be employing the tippy tapas ethos? Or would we revert to type and be a team of grafters, kick anything that moves, long ball outfit?
Looks like Jarkko and I will be fighting for the left back berth, unlike Hoyte I am relativly to footed with both equally bad.
A central defence partnership with John would give the opposition some real problems. We are not quick but we are an awfully long way to run round.
Sadly my turning circle is somewhat similar to a bulk haul carrier but I would be a ball player mainly because I cant run - ex rugby union props are not designed for speed.