Pundits Pronouncing On Politics: A Fundamentally Flawed System
ALAN Hansen: dour deep lying tactical guru and small screen frozen foods frontman... and now hard-hitting social commentater with a withering line in political critique.
Hansen, best known for his sarcastic sneering at schoolboy defending and suspicion of creative flair, stunned his studio sofa squadmates as he did the pundits equivilent of a Cruyff turn and suddenly threw in a controversial opinion on a non-football topic.
"Apartheid.... " he dangled the word solemnly in front of expectant teak tanned team-leader Gary Lineker. "That system was obviously fundamentally flawed."
I half expected him - desperately wanted him - to continue to expound on the abhorent politics and morally bankruptcy of a slave labour economy based on eugenics and enforced by a vicious military regime... but in punditese.
"It's shocking. You can't run a complex society divided on racial lines like that. Woeful. You need a big man doing the simple things just in front of the back four, you need a Pik Botha or Eugene Terreblache in there putting a foot in protecting the back line or it will be exposed in the face of international public opinion.
"If you want to run a brutal regime you need a highly efficient military machine pushing on aggressively into the townships and taking out the key men in the opposition. You need to get a grip of the likes of Biko and Mandela early on or they'll run you ragged down the left and build up some real momentum with spells of heavy diplomatic pressure and broad-based calls for economic sanctions and a cultural and sporting boycott.
"No, for me this is a system that can't win the tournament. It's too rigid. Too old fashioned. Too easy to counter. No basis in logic, law, science or any ethical system that will stands up to scrutiny in the modern game. It doesn't have civic cohesion. It can't be defended and without a well organised defence you're nothing.
"Sure it had the sheer firepower and was ruthless enough to get through the early qualifiers at Sharpville and Soweto but when it comes up against a more complex, cosmopolitan world view and a determined and united internal and external opposition it goes to pieces. And that's good for the game. Amandla! Umkhonto we sizwe!"
Now that would have been fantastic, gripping, eye-popping and surreal television. (Note to self: prepare pitch to BBC4 on possible documentary series in which the scowling Scot deconstructs the major tactical changes in post-war politics.) But he didn't. He left it at that for that session.
The following night his piecemeal analysis by instalment was expanded to include the simple but correct verdict that it was not just flawed but "awful, just awful" .... and the pitiful query: "Why didn't the world do something about it?"
Maybe when he was in his football bubble in the 80s he never realised there was a vocal and visible world-wide movement against apartheid, that South Africa never played in the World Cup, that a string of multi-national corporations were forced to disinvest because of protests and boycotts. Maybe he never heard the Specials blasting out 'Free Nelson Mandela.' I'm ready to believe that is true and this really is his first shocking awareness of the fundamentally flawed system.
Now, it is always nice to have public figures taking clear moral stances against historic aberrations to inject perspective - watch out for Alan Shearer's denunciation of the Holocaust after next season's Wigan v Blackpool bore draw and Lee Dixon expounding on the horrors of the civil war in Rwanda before the North London derby - but the sudden retrospective conversion to early 1980s sixth form politics was a transparent exercise in politically correct box ticking by the BBC.
Yes we know the tournament is in South Africa. And yes we know about the shameful history of the apartheid state. We know too the redemptive powers of football and its ability to unite, inspire and galvanise a people and to open a nation to the wider world and that for the new South Africa this is a wonderful opportunity.
But we don't need a patronising sound bite from a pundit to remind us, especially not from one who seems to have only just discovered the uncomfortable truth.
And there has been more of the same cack-handed attempts at moral balance as if to off-set the luxury of the studio teams hotels and vast expenditure on the broadcast operation elsewhere.
The BBC bus (like the tactics truck on a gap year) has enjoyed a superficial sight-seeing trip bumming around South Africa and discovered among other things that there is poverty. And wildlife. And a variety of landscapes. The low point came as the crew got smiling township kids to show them how to make a football out of scrunched up discarded carrier bags then had an impromtu barefoot kickabout. Well that was licence payers money well spent. It was safe, sanitised picture postcard poverty. A cheap holiday in other people's misery.
That is not to say that the still pressing social and political questions surrounding South Africa should not be addressed. They should. They are crying out to be addressed. But the way it has been handled so far has been cocooned in a risk-assessed and palatable PC way: politically correct, portion-controlled and pathetically contrived for an armchair audience that need protecting from the reality that the tournament of millionaires is being played on a continent where life is cheap and millions face endemic starvation . We are adults. We can deal with it. If you have something to say, spit it out.
If the BBC wanted to make a policy statement on apartheid they should have done it on day one. And if Alan Hansen wanted to make a pronouncement on apartheid he should have done it when Lucas Radebe - who grew up in Soweto at the height of repression and suffered a near fatal gunshot wound in his youth and was worth a profile documentary feature of his own - was in the studio. That would have been a debate worth having. And one where Alpha male Hansen couldn't hector and patronise or insist that he knew better. There could be no dismissive sneered last word then.
The ironic thing is that the BBC have actually done some brilliant pieces in their supporting package away from the studio. Well thought out and sympathetically produced features on Robben Island and football in the townships, interviews with grassroots administrators of the cash-strapped game and a compelling docu-drama More Than A Game on the role of football in uniting the warring factions inside apartheid's gulags into a coherent opposition that was to be the basis of much of today's government (shown on BBC2 on Saturday and still available on the I-Player) were excellent.
Those pieces were engaging, powerful and informative without being condescending. Leave that specialist sphere to journalists, activists, historians and film-makers. The pundits should stick to what they do best: fill the gaps between games with inane banter and stating the obvious. Although to be fair to Hansen, that is exactly what he did.
*****************************************
NOT That I am picking on pundits (I've been trying to avoid talking about the football) but here's a slim-line version of this week's Big Picture column. Don't ever say you don't get your money's worth on this blog......
DULL, one-dimensional and with their weaknesses cruelly exposed on the international stage... at least we've got the pundits the team deserves.
With a complacent approach, dearth of imagination and a reliance on tired old line-ups the small screen sofa squads on both channels have produced a mind-numbing drone to match the vuvuzelas.
On the biggest stage in the global game the 'experts' - patronising, defiantly ill-informed and brass-necked about their ride on the inane banter driven conveyor belt of cliche and stereotypes - have fallen woefully short.
The job of the 'expert' is to illuminate, to point out tactical and technical nuances for the layman, to provide insight and information about teams and players that the mere mortal may not have access to.
Yet before the Algeria v Slovenia game last week Alan Shearer - but it could so easily have been any one of a dozen identikit talking heads on either side - glibly announced on behalf of the studio collective: "Our knowledge of these two teams is limited"... and then went on to prove it.
Now, I may be asking too much here, but isn't it his well paid licence fee payer funded job to ensure his knowledge isn't limited? Otherwise what's the point of him being there?
No-one is expecting him to embrace an anorak of minutae about the North African or Central European game but surely the massed ranks of the BBC research department - or heaven forbid, he himself - could have compiled a Mottsonian cribsheet for him. Maybe an idiot's guide?
It is not as if the game was irrelevant: the teams are England's Group C rivals and therefore of special interest to the audience - and presumably to the pundits too.
That game was an open goal for a well prepared 'expert' to pick out ones to watch, suggest how they would play and pick out elements of the game that England should be wary of, where the potential threat lies and how to nullify it.
That's what I expect from an 'expert': tell me something I don't already know.
But of course, therein lies the problem. These people are not really experts at all. Yes, they know plenty about the teams, tactics and culture of the Premiership Big Four (and Liverpool) - they probably play golf with the main protagonists - but they know alarmingly little about life outside the bubble. Anyone who follows a makeweight club in England knows that already.
On the World Cup stage that damning knowledge deficit is magnified - they don't know the players or how the teams shape up or appear to have made any attempt to find out - and there isn't much evidence of a genuine enthusiasm, joy or charisma to fill the void.
Worse, there has been a complete inability to appreciate and convey the way the international minnows - New Zealand for instance - have bridged the gap tactically.
There has been plenty of populist bluster and outrage at England's draw with Algeria but little attempt to explain it. The pundits should have been telling us how the fluid movement and close control carved out space in dangerous areas and caused problems for Fab's lads and what we could learn from it for the future. Instead they were happy to simply lambast England for a lack of heart and admit they were 'shocked'.
That tactical illiteracy and simplistic kneejerk demands for ever more raw commitment at every set-back is part of insular England's debilitating self-imposed blindfold.
Until we embrace 'tactics' as part of our football culture and discourse we are condemned to what Franz Beckenbauer called 'kick and rush' last week only to be greeted by a growl of chauvinistic denial.
It is noticeable that it has taken foreigners - mainly Clarence Seedorf and Jurgen Klinsmann - to take up the mission to explain but sad that their imput is listened to reverently... then usually followed by some schoolboy quip and giggling.
Of the domestic crew only Roy Hodgson (who has managed extensively abroad) and - Boro fans may have mixed feelings about this - Gareth Southgate over on ITV, have shone.
Southgate has tried to explain the unfolding shape of a game and give a flavour of what the managers are trying to do.
With his ideas on ball retention, the need for creativity in the middle and getting your best players in their best positions he could maybe be in the dug-out himself one day.
He is articulate and thoughtful and gets his message across concisely in an engaging way. But he's new, he'll learn.
At the opposite end of the ITV spectrum is no-nonsense Mick McCarthy, who like his team goes route one. If I wanted to hear an aggressive bloke growl "that keeper is a right tart" I could go to the pub.
Generally the old boys network is not great value. It doesn't illuminate and it doesn't provoke. And it certainly doesn't entertain.
For domestic games that doesn't matter as we know the players, the teams and the context ourselves. Their bit is just padding and a chance to make a trip to the fridge.
On the big stage, when viewers actually need some help they have proved useless.
A ten minute appearance by the brilliant Danny Baker after the Algeria game was electrifying. He combined passion with hard-hitting views, surreal digressions and some observations that made strait laced Shearer wince.
Refusing to join a ritual witch hunt Baker spoke as a fan, revelled in the emotions of defeat and laughed: "There was a grandeur about our mediocrity. It was funny and exciting how bad we were."
After he had gone bamboozled Shearer said: "I wish I had some of whatever he's on."
So do we Alan. It's called personality.
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Over here in the States watching the world series of soccer ball is not as frustrating as it could be now Robbie "the engine room" Mustoe (12 years and 450+ games, they were the days huh?)provides some of the commentary.
Just a shame we have to put up with Steve McManamam and Alexi Lalas bickering every half time.
Come on England!!
This is excellent AV.
The first part of your blog article read like a piece by Rod Liddle, on a (rare) good day, when he had his thinking hat on, and when he remembered his earlier political affiliations and the tone of his later learning at the LSE. More realistically, Keith Waterhouse could have written it. Well done!
I guess it's a game of opinions, I would rather watch football on the BBC any day, they don't cut to adverts during live goals for one (England & Everton) Mick McCarthy does my head in, as does Kevin Keegan, and Chris Coleman. As for Southgate, I feel like I've heard it all before - "the need to stick together" etc. The only saving grace for ITV is Andy Townsend.
At least the BBC have been leaving the football stadiums and getting out there, don't forget there will be a lot of children and possibly uneducated people watching who will be learning South Africa's history for the first time and do you know that they didn't approach Lucas Radebe for his input?
You also don't mention the embarrassment that is the James Corden football show, like TFI Friday without rehearsals and a tiny amount of football thrown in.
**AV writes: You are right that ITV is awful too. Adrian Chiles looks so scared and glances down at his script so often and so nervously he looks like a kidnap victim reading out a ransom demand. The bar is being set lower than ever on both sides and I think that is an insult to the audience. I suppose we should be grateful they don't have a bimbo reading out all your e-mails and texts.
I've only seen three minutes of the Corden show but it struck me as a bit of a car crash, a not very funny fat bloke who is flavour of the month shouting at C-list celebs trying to be down with the kids. Wicked. A few year ago it would have been hosted by Chris Moyles. It is an attempt to do Fantasy Football only without the perceptive humour, empathy and anarchic echoes of the fanzine movement.
Because of the light hearted and often tongue in cheek aspect of this blog, the fact that AV is a very good journalist is sometimes overlooked. If you keep this up we may be in danger of you being poached.
**AV writes: "I am under contract at the Gazette and enjoying my writing. It was my boyhood paper and I am proud to be writing for it and I just want to see it doing well. The readers are a bit special. I haven't heard anything about a bid from the Wigan Evening Telegraph and as far as I am concerned I just want to concentrate on my writing and do my best for the Gazette."
10.27pm - meanwhile Dave Whelan is reported to have been seen eating a meal with a certain journalist at the Tontine. No names, no pack drill (but I did find the false beard a little amusing!).
Something about a taxi being intercepted whilst he was on his way to the Dundee Evening Telegraph (reasonable for coverage of the Dundee teams, St Johnstone and even as far up as Arbroath, but hardly Fleet Street...), but our intrepid subversive reporter realised after a short while that the sun was shining from the wrong side of the car than he'd expect if it was going north. Somehow after the second bottle of Rioja it didn't seem to matter - even the lure of Billingham Town couldn't hold him to the area.
Expect an announcement soon - rather like the Chiles one, and (surprise, surprise) the one from Ms Bleakley. There'll be no more need for home decorating when the palace in Knutsford is purchased. Wigan - never knowingly outbid.
**AV writes: LOL. As I believe they say in Wigan.
I always find it infuriating that football is so badly served by the media, not just TV pundits but (present comapny excepted) the written press too.
Football is the mass sport in this country and there is a vast industry surrounding it but it has such shallow old boy pundits who are ill-informed about the laws of the game, staggeringly unaware of public opinionms and politics of the game and can barely string together a sentence, let alone convey any original thought or insight.
Compare it to say cricket where the likes of Mike Atherton can wax lyrical on not just technical issues in a match but also the history and psychology of the sport and can offer interesting and provocative opinions in a constructive way.
And football is so cosy with pundits unwilling to say anything that may upset one of the players, either because they are too close as friends or because they are scared it will mean an end to access.
Compare that with cricket where the likes of Geoff Boycott will really stick the knife in when neccessary without worrying for a second that he might ruffle feathers.
Football doesn't have that. Cricket, rugby (both codes), golf and athletics all have really good media pundits. Football is awful. We are really badly served.
AV - excellent article - really. Enjoyed the read.
I agree Southgate is doing reasonbly well - he is a decent honest none sneering fella me thinks.
Ive not been a fan of Danny Baker - I have a bee in me bonnet about how he was Gazza's best freind but now is seemingly nowhere to be seen - but I will be more forgiving in future.
Andy Townsend - arrrggghhhh
p.s. Ive put this link on the latest Robbo Robson blog
http://robborobson.blogspot.com/2010/06/infights-and-outcasts.html?showComment=1277242701452_AIe9_BFbp48cMJYZ8qt8EYbXF_-WeQaFlkCd7i0I5F33l8xuHLArYH5_NARb3_JJqxbbUXcqndaFPbIeK7pWMZwCmlDJ37vkZfAFjWRWO5iriZK3KZisO5nE5-i12f67okY1ibxPT_AUsgHCc_X6DRot-vVBd_tJjrtrIrGJBPsUKRoPkdifN8wOESOAo47OFvbBPFTlAo0qWQOX09MuEyqnUSp5p4hsHiu_9P4XNgHwFz30I7gnzRQ#c3739004017129409820
Living in NZ, everyone is suddenly an expert in football - but who can blame them. I haven't seen any of the BBC punditry but I can imagine the cliches and I expect each ex-football player who suddenly is thrust into such a demanding role is given the John Motson book "stating the bleeding obvious" and not one of them takes their new role seriously other than extending their ego and pay packets a bit more.
One exception, Robbie Mustoe is now one of ESPN's pundits. Yep Robbie is now a global household name and he's good at his job !
Back to the state of play in New Zealand, it's the First Time in living memory that the All Blacks tests in the last week have been relegated to irrelevant, and about time too :-)
After watching the supposedly big shots from the rabble that is the French team and the spiritless overpaid "stars" of English football, watching the way the South Koreans and the All Whites have played - just give it your best shot, be committed, work for your mates, be organised and make your country proud. I'm starting to enjoy football again.
Mind you England in a couple of days might change that again. Sigh. Bring back Sven !
AV 10/10
WOW!! Grove Hill Wallah is right on there.You must have went to gramer skool or summut.
I did like the syntax and alliteration of the PC definitions... keep up the good work.
As a saddo I timed ITV's half time coverage and it consisted of five minutes of adverts, five minutes of punditry which could best be described as basic followed by five minutes of adverts.
I prefer BBC coverage but what is truly amazing is the number of pundits the broadcasters have at matches. At one match the BBC had its usual Lineker plus three in the studio, a comentator and summariser for the match on TV, two commentators and a summariser for the radio then Shearer plus journo on the pitch at half time. The other BBC radio channels may have had their own summarisers for all I know. This our money they are spending, for all its posturing the credit crunch doesnt seem to have reached the Beeb.
Apparently Phil Tallentire is to go on Radio Tees with Ali to reassure us that the Gazette journalist team is the strongest they have ever had. (A phone in was mooted but dismissed). The message will be that the Gazette is well placed for a promotion push and have been training at a secret location in North Yorks.
Whilst it is isolated and boredom can set in there are facilities for golf, cricket, tennis and croquet during breaks in the education programme. There is even a state of the art sanitorium for treatment should levels of commitment drop.
Phil will tell the audience that he has modelled himself on a mixture of Capello and the leader of Noth Korea. Reports will only appear in the Gazette if Boro win, Mosso will be on a 10 minute time delay to ensure that the reports and comments reflect the true status of our glorious team.
Phil will also reinforce the position regarding Comrade Vickers. As the political officer within the team there is no possibility of him going to join the capitalist lackeys at Wigan Evening Telegraph to report on Whelan's mercenaries.
**AV writes: Yes, we are screening Comrade Brownlee's script as we speak.
Love him or hate him, Robbie Savage in his role as pundit on Radio 5 Live, is a refreshing change...
**AV writes: Savage is excellent value, not as a summariser as he offers little insight into a game, but some of his asides are very entertaining and very human.
After the dreadful bore draw between Portugal and Ivory Coast he said he would be donating his match fee to a local kids charity because he didn't feel right taking money for talking about a game that was so poor. After a pause he added that if that made him sound like a bit of a Big Time Charlie he apologised and that he realised how lucky he was to be watching the World Cup all expenses paid.
According to BBC gossip column McLeish has ruled out Brum making a move for Boyd.
I also noted in Skysports Transfer Centre that there were moves for an Egyptian star but on clicking the link it wasnt clubs trying to buy Midough.
Will the Gazette be open for business this afternoon? We are starting to get emails telling us offices will be closed from 2pm.
What is the general stance on the England team from posters. My own view is that I really want us to win but if we get knocked out it may prove a long term benefit to football in the UK. It may drive us to look at what we are doing with the game, the damage that is done by filling squads (and youth teams) with overseas players.
No, it wouldnt do any of that would it? In the words of Captain Mainwaring - 'Stupid Boy'.
The French Football Federation sent the team home in economy class, I would have made the buggers travel on a freighter as deck hands. I wonder what fate would befall our lot if they dont get through to the knockout phase?
**AV writes: England's default setting for a defeat that denies us our birthright of inevitable glory is to start the search for a scapegoat. Already Terry, Bridge, Cheryl Cole, Green, Capello, Rooney and Terry (again) have been in the frame although it is usually a ref or cheating foreigner that carries the can.
A word on Robbie Savage, he does an awful lot for charity in the Derby area. Top bloke.
Edgar Davids has been the worst from the dross in the studio for me. I think he is in preparation to try for the world free diving record or something. Its seems he has managed to slow his heart rate down to 12 beats per minute like a dolphin while in front of studio cameras!
That bling on his wrist is actually a heart rate monitor and if the camera panned down I bet we would see one of them giant flippers that you put both feet in.
Shearer knows nowt and is a bore and as for Mick Mcarthy, I recon if you played his commentary backwards it would be a call for a mass suicide. You dont get that watching the cricket.
AV, Great article.
After Danny Baker's appearance, I have no idea (well, I do really) why he isn't doing many more!
Overall, yes it's BBC 3 ITV 1 but the more I watch the more I am left to rue that Sky don't cover the games as well. Their football coverage is in a different league to either of the terrestrials - not just in volume but in content quality.
I see that several national media sources have us signing Bailey for ã1.5m today. Well, OK - so long as that is as well as Thompson and not instead of. It does seem like a lot from what is a very limited transfer pot for a League 1 player with a Prem sized ego and only a year left on his contract.
I would have thought that this was one case where we could have afforded to wait for the price to drop and taken the risk someone else would pick him up.
The fabled Daily Record has Big Eck confirming he's not interested in Boyd. Since he's out of contract and, so, there's no bidding war with another club and no price to drop (except what Boyd wants personally) there would seem to be no reason why that deal couldn't be closed now.
**AV writes: We understand that as yet ther has been no formal bid for Bailey but some haggling and brinkmanship while Boyd is deciding between Boro and a middling Turkish club... and that Teesside has the upper hand. Probably no movement until July 1st though.
AV have I been sent to the internet Gulag? I've tried five times to post and nothing. This is the final nail in the coffin.
Dialling Big Dave Whelan..........
**AV writes: I'll disable the 'cheeky get filter.' People pointed out a few problems posting yesterday but I can't see any problems at this end.
I cannot comment on the TV coverage in the UK so I concentrate on Boro.
Some people have demanded a bid for Ambrose. Now Sky report that Warnock had been keen to bring a player of Ambrose's considerable calibre on board, but has been left frustrated in his efforts, gutted.
He initially saw a bid accepted by financially-crippled Palace, but has seen them backtrack after securing new investment.
Warnock is not prepared to become embroiled in a long-running transfer saga and has conceded defeat in his bid to bring his top summer transfer target to Loftus Road."
So the transfers are not so easy! UTB!
In a quiet corner of a top secret location in North Yorks is a communications room. Apart from the green glow from equipment the room is in darkness. The operator turns to forbidding figure behind him and says 'people are noticing that internet communications with Comrade Vickers are proving difficult, what shall I do?'
A voice filled with menace replies 'We cannot allow Comrade Vickers or the dupes that follow him to realise what is happening, return control of the server back to the Gazette for the moment'.
The owner of the voice stands up and draws his cloak around him and speaks 'I am going to rest, I have business to deal with at midnight'. He then sets off to lay down in the dark, dank, fetid room that serves as his living quarters when he is away from his Villa on the South Cliff at Whitby.
Comrade Vickers is delighted when normal service is resumed.
Ian from Derby then asks where the rumours about Bailey are posted
Have you seen Hansen's eyebrows? How vain is that man?
BBC footie coverage is great despite having Lineker, Hansen and Shearer. I like Lawrenson not for his insight but his humour. I agree with others, Robbie Savage has been great. It's like having a bloke from the pub doing the summarising.
The problem with pundits is that to be good at it you need to be intelligent and articulate, which the BBC and ITV seem to have overlooked. Gareth is the only man to come close to fulfilling the criterea.
I like Chris Coleman, he does offer some insight, pointing out tactical errors and what players should be doing, that's the sort of stuff, combined with humour that I want to listen to. Although as AV points out when Lineker pops up its an opportunity to get another beer out of the fridge, Pavlovs dogs style!!
Personally I've enjoyed this World Cup a lot, there have been some great games once we past the first matches some very funny entertaining moments, watching teams implode and commit 'suicide' is always fun. Also the South American teams in particular have produced some great footie, I wouldn't be surprised to see Uruguay make a dash for the semis or beyond.
As for England, they're a bunch of spoilt, over rated, narcassistic posers, we may make the last 16 or 8, but we'll have no chance when we come up against one of the big boys.
The worst of the lot now is Mark Lawrenson. IâÂÂm sure he knows the game inside out but he spends more time trying to crowbar his pathetic pre-scripted ironic ad-libs in than describing the match. He needs a little boom-boom-tisssch sound effect to underline his laboured âÂÂjokesâÂÂ.
Alongside his straight man Motty years ago it used to work, he came across as a bit irreverent and dangerous, a bit âÂÂfanzineyâ but now he just sounds world weary and bored and makes every kick of every game sound dreary. It is as if he doesnâÂÂt want to be there. Fair enough, move over and give someone else a chance.
In the studio IâÂÂve enjoyed Jurgen Klinsmann, heâÂÂs sharp and funny and speaks better English than the rest. You get the impression he is resisting the temptation to take the Micky out of them and he could tear them a new one easily if he wanted.
There was a moment early on when Lineker and Shearer were banging on again about the semi in 1990 and Lineker asked Jurgen if people in Germany looked back on the match with the same nostalgia. Durrr. Klinnsy politely said of course we remember it as a big match and smiled indulgently but declined the chance to twist the knife and say: âÂÂNo, we look back at the final because we won that..."
Forever Dormo comparing you to Rod Liddle... can praise be any higher than that AV ? Have to agree with him though, a great blog.
Where I do disagree is, 'the Rod Liddle on a good day' bit. He is one of the main reasons I have the Times on Sunday, I think he's a brilliant read, not unlike yourself. Keep up the good work.
Great article, AV.
When people ask me what I miss most about England, I usually surprise them by mentioning things like newspapers (inane, I know).
I do miss English commentators. While English pundits clearly frustrate a lot of you, they have to be better than the insufferable bunch of analysts over here.
Now...they're not all bad. As others have pointed out, Robbie Mustoe is class. I also like Alexei Lalas because he is witheringly honest in his appraisal of all of the teams. Roberto Martinez and Jurgen Klinsmen are also interesting to listen to.
But the Americans who introduce the shows are not that great. One of the analysts keeps introducing Ruud Gullit with a hard "G" sound...tsk...tsk...
Worse is Champions League coverage, where I have to suffer through Seamus Malin talking gobbledygook about the "ball going into the old onion bag".
By the way, did everyone catch the Yak's miss yesterday?
The transfer front is quiet...I'm getting nervous.
Ian - If you keep up this quality of output you'll have Barbra Brocolli asking you to do the next Bond script.
Which would be called......'From Boro with love', or 'The journalist who loved me'?
Good game of cricket last night, good to see England beat the Aussies of course. Although you can't help but notice that we won because an irishman played a blinder and we have our usual quota of South Africans. Still, there has to be some advantage to being English. Did you watch it AV!!?
**AV writes: I'm not going to bite...
Neil (USA) - Transfer market is quiet because contracts dont run out until the end of June, I think? Hence AV's earlier reference to the 1st July.
I'm confident that on the 1st there will be a press conference at Hurworth where there will be a queue of new players coming in through the 'in' door and Gary O'Neil walking un-noticed(?) through the 'out' door. Well maybe.
Come on AV, you must like cricket a bit surely? Didnt you play a bit at school? At Stainsby playing in the school house cricket competition got you out of loads of lessons. Better than an English lesson anytime even for a budding journo....
**AV writes: I've played with stumps chalked on a wall whacking a tennis ball all the way down to the traffic lights. I've never done it with the big shinpads, two bats and loads of bored lads in white stood around waiting for a touch.
'bored lads dressed in white waiting for a touch', blimey did you go to the Stainsby 80's school discos too?
Great article AV.
This kinda thing always reminds me of Pulp's "Common People" - the line "But still you'll never get it right, 'cos when you're laid in bed at night, watching roaches climb the wall, if you called your dad he could stop it all yeah" - that kinda tourism where you go "aw look at the poverty" before going back to the five star hotel.
That's it vickers, you write a brilliant article, I respond and say how good it is with the odd crup observation and gag thrown in . But for the sixth time you refuse to publish it. I can only take this a challange, and I accept. I will continue to try and post. The injustice of it all!
**AV writes: well this one seems to have got through
And you publish this. This is some form of torture. Have I dreamt those previous
attempts. Aaaaaaargh!!!! Zut alors!!!
Right attempt 13 coming up. Pity is it won't be worth it
p.s. Bringon the Germans
confident werdermouth?
Next to the communications facility is a small conference room. It is hidden away in a corner of the compound not readily visible or accessible to the 'guests'.
Neil and Sue sat patiently in the comfortable chairs waiting for Him to come in. When he eventually arrived fully refresheed from his rest they stood up. He waved them to their chairs and asked what had brought them there. Neil asked if the blinds could be opened but the requst was denied due to the long hours of sunlight.
Sue ventured that it was a good result for England that would deflect opinion from the transfer activity. The dark figure responded 'for most'.
Neil asked 'What does the Supreme Leader think?'
The response was assured 'He doesnt know what goes on here, plausible deniability. It is how USA kept the real purpose of Area 51 from the President'
Sue interupted 'What about Phil, uncle Eric and Comrade Vickers'
Following an evil laugh the response came back. 'Tallentire has responsibility for all sport. Uncle Eric is happy with a custard cream and a cup of cocoa.'
'Vickers is a different matter. He has been taking an undue interest in our activities since The Discovery Channel cancelled the ''Tractor factories in the Eastern Block' series. Unlike many of the others he doesnt seem unduly interested in reporting on other sports even though he is happy to use our facilities here.'
'Of more concern are his followers. They are noticing our attempts to monitor and disrupt his network. But I will deal with them during my night time activities'
'What about your people'
Neil squirmed in his chair before responding 'PR will put out any old junk we want - the Gazette will do as they are told'
The dark presence stood for a moment and the said. 'Good, we have silenced the Scotsman, what about your people Sue?'
Sue took a huge breath and replied 'My stewards all failed their auditions for parts as Uruk Hai in Lord of the Rings for being too ruthless. They will do anything as long as they keep their stewards jackets'
The presence drew his cloak around him and said 'Leave my loyal subjects, darkness aproaches and I have work to do'
Still no joy. Whelan's stalling on an offer but i hear Leeds might be sniffing around. I have left the matter in the capable hands of my agent.
Try again
Pet Hate number 1. The commentator trying to pronounce foreign names how they think it is pronounced in the playerâÂÂs home land. TyldlesyâÂÂs âÂÂCarcarâ for Kaka is embarrassing.
Number 2 Commentators not able to pronounce a foreign name at all. David Pleat IâÂÂm looking at you!
Number 3. The TV commentator talking through the slow motion replay and describing exactly what I can see with my own eyes. You are not on the radio Martin Keown!! I can see the Keeper just got his finger tips to it!! Why not go all Partridge and talk about his kit or masculine body bending supplely?
Number 4 Alan Shearer. Yes he was a good player (I feel dirty) but his grinning ape, wooden plank approach to punditry and analysis is utter crup. If you were to take his and SouthgateâÂÂs performances as adverts for current managerial vacancies there is only one winner.
Number 5. Adrian Chiles. No more, please.
The prosecutions case for the banning of football punditry....
Garth Crooks.
I rest my case M'Lud.
Aha!
As for Danny Baker, I think it fair to say he is a hero of mine; he has made me cry with laughter on far too many occasions. And for those fond of a funny foreign name have a look at www.internettreehouse.co.uk
Smog
What about the Northern Echo, wouldnt have to relocate, could change your name to 'Smogonthetyne now in Allens West', still comment on the Boro, close to Diablo Rojo. Simples.
The papers will be full of the England v Germany game and now that North Korea have returned home for their less than welcoming party Vic will have tricky choice.
I believe his default position was to support Germany but I cannot recall whether that totally precludes supporting England or it is for when we routinely depart after penalties.
**AV writes: The massed ranks of the Teesside Krauts are planning our wurst and Becks BBQ as we speak.
Ian Gill -
Good advice but I have undertaken much soul searching and have decided to commit my self to the Untypical Boro blog for another season. I have spoken with the management and I have been promised big name new arrivals to the blog. Exciting times ahead.
Has anyone else noted the fans in the ground at the world cup are drinking? Quite regularity I have seen fans with either pint glass or bottle in hand. UEFA donâÂÂt allow boozing in the ground. But FIFA are happy for drinking as long as it is the sponsorâÂÂs brand? Or are the Stewards a little lax? It does look a little loutish.
AV any news from the forge? Or is he on holiday until the 1st of July?
**AV writes: My understanding is that the smithy is just finishing off his drawings and measuremebts and is now heating the materials in the furnace in preparation for a piece of wrough-iron work that will be sturdy, fully functional and have the the odd eye-pleasing decorative flourish.
EG report that Boyd becomes a free agent on July 1, after which Boro will hope to tie up a quick deal. Why cannot we make a pre-contract with Boyd now? Poggy left well before his contract was up I think. Hope we have a few news next Thursday (July 1st), though. UTB.
Smogonthetyne -
I dont wish to question your commitment to the cause but when does your current contract run out?
Are you letting the last year run down so that at the end of next season you are a free agent? Are you getting a longer term deal so that the blog can get a better fee if you leave? Have you taken on a new, one season deal with on option for next season? Will you try to get out in the next window?
I think we deserve clarification. People like John Powls and myself are one blog posters and have never put any demands on our Dear Leader. We may have image rights elsewhere but it is to this blog that we are loyal.
On to punditry and there is one we havent mentioned. Gabby Logan, sigh! Mmmmm. Where was I? Oh yes, punditry. I know she has a Welsh dad and is married to a Jock but I would rather watch her than Hansen.
Of the commentators, Tyldlesy drives me barmy. I dont know if watches a different match to me but he is in the Johnny Foreigner mode.
Someone English makes a tackle and he is musing that the opposition player went down rather easily as he player is carried off, strapped to a stretcher with an oxygen mask and amublance standing by.
Someone goes within 10 yards of Gerrard and he shows his professionalism by sensing the challenge and going down and getting the free kick totally ignoring the fact it was only the linesman.
**AV writes: "My understanding is that the smithy is just finishing off his drawings and measurements and is now heating the materials in the furnace in preparation for a piece of wrough-iron work that will be sturdy, fully functional and have the the odd eye-pleasing decorative flourish."
Any news about Kyle Naughton there? Perhaps Spurs could take Hoyte back to London...
Is Lita still going to Charlton and Bailey coming to Teesside? And Miller for Boyd - or am I getting too optimistic again?
Could we change Mido for a new ball boy or just anything? I cannot see him sweating in preseason trayning with GS2. If he is coming for training at all next week.
Up the Boro!
**AV writes: My understanding is that the smithy is just finishing off his drawings and measuremebts and is now heating the materials in the furnace in preparation for a piece of wrough-iron work that will be sturdy, fully functional and have the the odd eye-pleasing decorative flourish. "
That's all very well but have we gone through the catalogue, chosen what we want, rung the call centre, waited on hold for 10 minutes for an agent, given our credit card details including that tricky three digit security code, and had our email confirming the order???
**AV writes: More importantly, have we got a wrought-iron no quibble money back guarantee if they don't performed as described on the box? And can we weigh Mido in for scrap?
Excellent read AV.
Agree entirely about the Hansen social (non-)commentary.
Also, have to agree with you generally about football punditry in this country. Ah that Sir Geoffrey had been a football player and not the greatest ever Englishman to weald the willow. Football needs someone of his ilk who manages to expalin the nuances of the game to the viewer and offering some genuine and considered insight.
Of the crew the BBC has had in for the Word Cup, I would say I'm partial to 'Arry Redknapp. I watched him trying to explain what he thought would make good tactics for the Slovenia game, to see Hansen and Shearer both look absolutely bemused before trying to restore the usual banality to the chat ..... our 'Arry just shrugged his shoulders.
Jarkko - Patience!
In all the time I've posted on this blog the message from the Gazette has never been clearer, the deal(s) are being done but they are sworn to secrecy until the player(s) sign on the dotted line.
Boyd and McManus are on there way, the rest will follow.
For me the big questions are; will O'Neil be kept or sold and I hope Steele isn't 'brought on' too slowly because having Jones in goal could be a mare. Unless of course there is a loan keeper being lined up.
I was hoping to put pen to paper in a lucrative deal, but, as I don't post too much during the school year because of endless hours of essay grading, I may not receive a work permit. Back to the drawing board, gentlemen.
Neil(USA) - When essay grading can't you do what my O level geography teacher used to do? He would tick each paragraph and the tick size was roughly proportional to the quality of the content (the bigger tick the better), his evaluation I'm certain was based on his reading of the first two/three sentences of the first paragraph only. That way your students are happy and you get to post more.
Just read my last post, I meant 'their' and not 'there',sorry folks! My grammar up to its usual standard......
Interesting to see Robbie the Engine doing punditry in the US - I remember watching Steaua semi home leg in a bar in NYC (15 Boro fans and 200 Romanians!).
The commentary was done by some nameless Motty equivalent alongside an intelligible Ray 'Rocky' Hudson, whom older readers may remember from a less than average Bar Codes team corm 30 years or so ago. He was totally crap, but if I couldn't understand him, how the he'll did the Septics understand a word!
Congratulations of course to our Colonial cousins for qualifying for the last 16....
Enjoyed your take on the level of punditry (is this a real word) on both channels. It is so banal I have took to getting away from the telly at half time and straight after the final whistle to stop me shouting at the tv.
Is it only me who wants someone to ask Shearer if he knows so much about tactics and man management how come he got the Geordies relegated? He keeps good company with the other failed coaches on the couches Southgate, Gullit, Daglish, Lawrenson et al.
The parts where he interviews people in the townships using classic questions like 'Was it bad during apartheid?...... Possible reply 'Oh you know it wasn't as bad as all that, once you got used to the brutal repression it was fine.'
Can't understand any of the pundits comments - they all speak with forked tounges - need to load our Universal Translator and sub titles function...or maybe not - overpaid, over rated jokers, the lot of'em!
You in different leaugue AV!
Maybe punditry is the rest home for the League Managers Association where people unable to do it get the chance to show why they couldnt hack it.
Or maybe it is part of a back to work scheme in a drive to reduce welfare costs. Sadly no one thought fit to give them some suitable skills to make the transition from unemployable to skilled ptrcticioners.
The most cringeworthey came when I was in the car when the Italians lost. Pleat came up with 'au revoir' though he did mumble it may have been another phrase. Painful, when we all know it is auf wiedersehn - only joking!
And it looks like the smithy is turning out its first piece of work. A smart two way gate to keep the back safe whilst allowing access to go forward.
Ian,
I canâÂÂt divulge the terms of my deal, but rest assured I am on considerably more than you.
I have just had a peek into the blacksmiths and there is furious work going on. KL is down to his pants and vest working those bellows like a mad man.
There are several works in progress littering the yard. Most eye catching is a solid 6ft plus gate that looks impenetrable. Next to that was a smaller more eye-catching hanging basket, which would improve any six yard area. But most pleasing was the intricate lattice work on the railing hugging the left flank of the yard.
Keep pumping Lambie, Keep pumping!!!
Sky Sports report
Nicky Bailey has thanked Charlton Athletic for giving him the chance to move on as he looks set to seal a switch to Middlesbrough. The Addicks skipper is set to move to Middlesbrough next week upon the completion of a medical after he agreed terms with the Teesside club.
Boro have agreed to pay an initial ã1.4million for Bailey, who is now looking forward to sealing the transfer after two years at The Valley.
"First of all I would like to thank the chairman Richard Murray, manager, staff and players for all the hard work and support they gave to me whilst at the club," Bailey told skysports.com.
"The fans of Charlton made me very welcome from day one and I would also like to thank them for that.
"I am extremely excited about the challenge ahead of me at Middlesbrough, as I know it is a massive club with plenty of passionate fans with high expectations.
"Just like I have always done in my career I will give 100 per cent and hope that it is a valuable contribution to the team."
Bailey is due for a medical at Middlesbrough on Monday and should be presented as Boro's second summer signing shortly after.
C'Mon Boro!
*AV writes: Yes, he just needs a bit of sanding down and a spray with rust proof paint now. Should be all done by July 1st.
Good read AV, having been here since 82 have been and seen a lot of what went on.
Onto pundits we are very fortunate with our channel Supersport over here with long standing pundits Gary Baily,Terry Payne with the odd visit from Gary Mabbut all i find to man to be very good.
Obviously with the world cup being on we have a few extras right now John Barnes, Bolo Zenden (his Dad must have sorted that out) to name a couple who are as exiting as watching tellytubbies.
Yes there is drinking on the stands which suprises me as this is a no no in the big rugby games here. Went on Wednesday game not great but atmosphere brilliant.
England still have a long way to go. They are very slow compared to most other teams and i put that down to too many players coming back from injuries just before it started, Rooney does not look fit.
Off to the game on Sunday have been told not to mention the war i will leave that to BIG AL
AV
Are the hinges securely attached because we do have a record of failures in that department. The last thing we want is him to be back in the smithy for some welding in mid season.
The other question is the mettle (good eh!) of the aquisition. Items manufactured in the south are not renowned for their steel.
Smog -
I am the Robbie Mustoe of the blog. A reliable post to poster unconcerned by the bloated fees others receive, doing the donkey work so others can get the Trabant.
I am happy to do what I can for my home town blog without protestaions that I turned down offers to go elsewhere, I wont be waiting until the end of next season before deciding if I was just 'kissing the badge' for effect.
I will continue to do my part until Vic decides it is time for me to move on.
Boro til I die.
Nick Bailey in, Gary O'Neil out?
Nigel Reeves - I like the suggestion for grading...that would save me lots of time. Not sure what it would do for my test scores, though :)
Ian - yesterday on Fox Soccer Channel, one of the Canadian presenters (for some reason, they all seem to be Canadian) said it was "arrivederci with a capital 'R'".
I like the sound of Bailey...hopefully July 1st will see some more signings.
UTB!!
S0 the first major player (after Haliday) is now coming. Looks good to me but more bite to the centre is still needed. I hope we get some out to finance the incomings. Any chance that Lita goes to Charlton now, AV?
So it is Kris Boyd, Stephen McManus, Gary Hooper, Craig Conway, Andrew Driver and Craig Dawson next as they are all in StrachanâÂÂs sights, but funds are limited until Mido, Marvin Emnes and Didier Digard all go. Mind you, I don't see a problem if Emnes or Digard stay, though.
Boyd next week? Up the Boro!
**AV writes: We understand Boyd, Mcmanus, Hooper and Dawson are all on order and in the furnamce heating up nicely ready to be hammered out.
Pyongyang, North Korea : State television announces the Democratic PeopleâÂÂs Republic of Korea âÂÂs great 50-0 victory over Brazil in their opening game of the 2010 World Cup.
Fifty goals, 49 of them scored before half-time, were all that separated Brazil from the mighty North Korea in yesterdays match according to Korean Central Television.
The hapless Brazilians, many of them probably American spies, never stood a chance when following a goalless opening five minutes the North Koreans bought on their star substitute â none other than the supreme Dear Leader and worlds most respected man Kim Jong-Il himself.
As the Supreme Leader of North Korea and worlds best Astronaut appeared on the touch-line lacing up his boots, the crowd fell silent in anticipation â the whole world held its breath then erupted into cheers and applause as the substitution was made. Five of North Korea âÂÂs squad were substituted for the one Kim Jong-Il; at the Dear Leaders own insistence, in order to give the Brazilians a fighting chance.
It took just one second for the sprightly and trim 69 year old leader to open the scoring with his trademark overhead bicycle kick â the move he invented himself in 1944 when he was just 3 years old. It was quite simply the greatest goal the world had ever seen, especially as the shot was struck whilst clearing the ball off his own goal-line â the shot travelling over 100 metres and still rising as it went through the back of Brazilians net. The ball is yet to be found and is believed to have left EarthâÂÂs Orbit.
The match had to be stopped for a full 2 hours as the players on both teams, and the match officials could not stop applauding, all of them crying tears of respect and admiration.
Before the restart the Dear Leader proclaimed the Centre Line a Demilitarised Zone and promised the stunned Brazilians they would never cross it â and henceforth they didnâÂÂt. All the football was played in the Brazilian half with the Latin Americans too busy wiping tears of admiration from their eyes and applauding Kim Jong-IlâÂÂs sublime skill to mount much of a defence.
Players from both sides could only stand and admire as goal after goal rained in, each as spectacular as the first. As the half-time whistle blew the score was a world record breaking 49-0, all of the goals scored single-handedly by Kim Jong-Il alone; as if that wasnâÂÂt spectacular enough all but the first ten goals were scored with the Dear Leader Blindfolded.
As the half-time whistle blew the exhausted players of both sides left the field crying tears of joy and reverence, all except the bespectacled supreme leader himself who remained in the centre-circle performing one-handed press-ups to the cheers of the adoring crowd, during the 15 minute break the North Korean leader beat his own world record.
Astonishingly, Kim Jong-Il allowed his teammates and loyal subjects a rest in the second half as he donned the goalkeeperâÂÂs gloves himself and invited the rejuvenated Brazilians to face him alone. Still wearing his blindfold the legendary North Korean made save after save to deny the Brazilians even a consolation goal.
Even when FIFA allowed the Brazilians to invite the greatest players in the world to assist them âÂÂin an attempt to create a fair and even contestâÂÂ, and with nearly 100 of the worldâÂÂs best players on the pitch, nobody on Earth could beat the cat like reflexes and awe-inspiring skill of the Supreme Commander.
After a goalless but magnificent second half, which top football pundits around the world described as the âÂÂbest everâÂÂ, in the 89th minute North KoreaâÂÂs Number 1 kicked the ball so high into the air that it disappeared from view before rocketing back to earth and into the top right corner of the Brazilian goal a minute later. The whole world fell silent in respect at the magnificent final goal, for it was obvious to all that the goal had been headed in by none other than Kim Jong-IlâÂÂs deceased father and eternal president Kim Il-Sung, from heaven.
The match referee was too moved and emotionally distraught to blow the final whistle offering it to the god like Kim Jong-Il with a shaking hand, the Dear Leader not only blew the final whistle himself but he did it so tunefully that music critics around the world declared it the most beautiful piece of music theyâÂÂd ever heard.
And so it ended 50-0 to the North KoreanâÂÂs, the 2010 World Cup will continue for the sake of the lesser nations so that they might one-day be worthy of being on the same pitch as the Dear Leader, but the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea have already been named âÂÂWorld Champions foreverâ thanks entirely to the magnificent Kim Jong-Il.
Matches at the Johannesburg Ellis Park stadium have had to be postponed as the applause of the capacity crowd cannot be stopped, the applause are not expected to die down for at least another 6 weeks.
Great article Vic. I get my half time entertainment by first watching our lot describe redcards/offsides/ref's decisions etc., and then turn over to german telly to hear Gunther Netzer or Mehmet Scholl claiming exactly the opposite.
Alan Shearer should be in the Guiness Book Of Records for the most clichés per minute.
**AV writes: How are the German media viewing the game against England? In England it is the biggest rivalry in world football ever but isn't the real antagonism in Germany with Holland?
Anyone else notice John TerryâÂÂs superhuman efforts to block a Slovenia shot towards the end of the match on Wednesday. Getting up of the floor from a previous block, he throws himself at the ball head first but he is no more that 2 inches of the floor. It was spectacular, IâÂÂve heard one wag call it the âÂÂbodypopping electric wormâÂÂ.
There must be some teenager out there who can get it up on you tube with a remix with grandmaster FlashâÂÂs white lines.
I seem to remember Gianluca Festa doing something similar against Chesterfield in the cup semi at the theatre of Roonies.
Any other great body popping moves brought to the football field?
Nigel 'Reevalinho' Reeve said: "Nick Bailey in, Gary O'Neil out?"
Depending on price - if we get ã4 to 5 million for GON then fine. But if we get just ã2 Million - don't know. But certainly GS2 knows how to spend the pennies...
Up the Boro!
At least the Dutch see the Germans the first to beat. I don't know how the Germans feel but we have an expert around on Werderside. UTB!
Smog -
There was the famous Derrick Downing diving header where he must have gone 15 yards with his nose leaving a furrow the world ploughing champion would have been proud off.
Then there was the Dickie Rooks sliding tackle that John Powls recalled where he knocked a breeze block out of the Holgate End wall. As John said, it was lucky it wasnt his head or there would have been severe carnage in the Holgate End.
"ignorant" of boroland..
Class!!
In the German media it's the same old stuff. Stories about our press going on about the war. All very predictable.
They have us down as favourites. But that's probably mind games. I think they're quietly confident. As they should be. Whenever we meet them at the knockout stages, they go through...
Bastian Schweinsteiger is very doubtful for Sunday. Which is a big blow to them. His replacement is likely to be Toni Kroos. He's definitely one for the future. Hope he doesn't make a dramatic entry to the world stage against us.
You're right, they have a fierce rivalry with Holland as their neighbours. But the matches against England have a bit of added spice. I think it goes back to that third goal in the World Cup Final.They love to go on about penalties and goal keeping mistakes. I wonder why...
**AV writes: There hasn't been much bosche bashing in the press yet but I expect the bottom end Saturday dailies and the Sundays to go in quite heavily with the old "two World Wars and one World Cup" routine.
My daughters friend has come round (same age at 20 year old and almost an 'adopted' daughter) and they were struggling what to go and see at the cinema.
As a caring parent I suggested staying in and watching the video of our Carling Cup win. They have just set off in Emma's car. I would be grateful on any thoughts on what I may have said that caused them to go out?
....that was one BRILLIANT blog.
Best ever in fact.
Working overseas on a construction project with Germans,Italians, Koreans, French, Mexicans and Nigerians.
A demonstration (riot) of some form was expected after the Korean win over
Nigeria but it all passed by very quitely.
Italians refuse to talk about the Cup.
The French muttered on about bringing back the guilitine.
Koreans just very happy to be in the knock out stage.
We have explained why the Mexicans have to lose as we want the chance of revenge against hand of God Maradona but they fancy themselves to cause an upset.
The Germans are quiet and not overly confident. Being out numbered also kerbs there enthusiasm, whereas just one Englishmen in a room full of other nationalities would be heard loud and clear. Well if he came from the North East.
It is a bit like WW2, French rolled over early and the Americans left us to the Germans. We will, once again, prevail.
**AV writes: So you reckon the Americans will finish off with an explosive demolition of Japan and we will come out of the whole thing proud but battered and bankrupt then face a decade of austerity government then?
AV we seemed to have skipped several stages and gone straight for the decade of austerity government.
Sadly before the tournament the austerity government was as predictable as the defeat on penalties. It doesnt matter who is head coach or the team selected, both results were pre ordained.
How could I have forgoten the Americans here? Probably wishful thinking.
They are mostly Texans, haven't a clue about the game and confussed as to where their team is in the rankings now and who they are playing next. We remind them the World Cup unlike World Series baseball/basketball actualy means playing other countries.
When informed it was Ghana they imediately assumed victory is assured.
But unlike WW2, big guns, big bombs, shock and awe tactics won't work for them this time.
I believe we'll emerge proud, maybe battered and the austerity goverment was a given for the next 5 years at least. The head coach will prevail and re-programming the doubters in this squad is a work in progress. Disagree with Ian, don't think this game will go to penalties.
Unfortunately I'll be working with one eye on the BBC web page.
Good luck to all
Ian,
I was at that match and was going to post a reply to that effect. I was in the World Cup seats and I will always remember Derek's diving header as long as I live. It was the first time I had seen a top club ( West Ham) and how times have changed. Bobby Moore was booked at that game and as a result was stripped of his captaincy of England.... now even red cards aren't enough to get you fired.
Worra lod of snotty doyles there are on this blog. I was warned it were full of stuck up snobs and no it alls. Was told right. Yous lot aint real boro fans, they hang out on fly me to the moon, the bst and most busiest forum in footy which is where am off back to instead of reading the doylish carp on here.
**AV writes: Hmmmmmm... "there are"? That syntax suggests you are not as thick as you are pretending to be. Poor trolling.
Very well written! Acerbic, ironic, and funny!
Gildas the Monk
You've been spotted by the politicos AV.
http://www.annaraccoon.com/politics/saturday-evening-posts-worth-reading-26/
**AV writes: I'm down with the chatterati.
It appears that our buddies have set up a rival smithy in the old shipyards by the Tyne. Interesting call for Boyd to make.
If true, the prospect is a promotion push or a battle to help secure a place in the premiership. To play with people he knows or a totally new club.
A club who came out early or one who appears to be looking to come in late. Has he made a verbal promise?
Money probably wont be an issue at either club. Nor travel back to Scotland.
All other things being equal, the siren calls of the premiership will be a big factor.
Coming to Boro? Score out of 10 AV?
**AV writes: Our understanding is that the club are "very confident." But we have been here before. So 8 then?
"The first part of your blog article read like a piece by Rod Liddle"
...who, lest we forget, grew up in Nunthorpe and went all the way to to Laurence Jackson School. This is why he sort of looks like one of us even though he isn't, really.
Sometimes I think of you, Vic, as a sort of cross between Rod Lidl and Dita Von Teesside.
**AV writes: I'm not sure what to make of that.
Omg ...no please ....no!!!!
Mido wants to come back to Boro and play out his contract....obviously realised nobody wants him!
A really interesting blog and responses.
For years I thought I was alone, just a whingeing, old git (actually I am), so it's great to read that so many football fans feel the same way about the so called experts as I do. As for Hansen's commentary on apartheid,I cringed and felt absolutely embarrassed by it. What an absolute plonker.
What about Shearer? Great player that he was, I've not heard one bit of original thought from him, all he does is paraphrase others and state the bleeding obvious. I resent totally having to pay towards his extensive fee through my taxes.
As for Keegan, how on earth did he survive tactically as a manager. Watch carefully and you'll see Southgate and Marcel Desailly more or less by pass him.
Talking of Desailly, he Seedorf and Klinsman are miles ahead in knowledge, brains and use of the English language.
It goes on and on, although I quite like Jonathon Pearce (apart from the shrills) and Pete Drury from ITV. And after the World Cup, there's Sky to look forward to and the worst of the lot... Richard Keys (bloods boiling up now), Geoff Stelling etc etc.
Thank goodness for Gaby Logan.
The sooner,we get rid of the BBC and the the billions of wasted money the better
Thank heavens the sideshow is over. We can now concentrate on the boro. Maybe because ingerlund were absymal today and have been all tournament I have no pain to our exit even though the Germans wallopped us. A bad Boro result ruins a weekend at least
Smog -
We moved on to watch the cricket which we nearly managed to throw away before having a barbecue that was alcohol free. Well as much alcohol free as England deserved to win the football.
The lack of technical ability shone through. An inability to pass to our team mates but at least for the first time for a long while we could find a white shirt.
No great surprise in our exit other than I expected penalties but at least the beautiful game has not been sullied by technology. In the words of Blatter maybe the officials should wear tighter shorts.
English footballers - over-hyped and overpaid. And now it really is all over.
Still, we are 3-0 up on the Aussies in a 5 match cricket series.....
GWh at 6.27pm yesterday -
Gildas the Monk, quite apart from being a sixth century cleric and a chronicler of Dark Age Britain and one who was a contemporary/near contemporary of the man we now call "King Arthur, is also a contributor to the Anna Raccoon Blog. Maybe that's how he came to drop a contribution here?
Vic's fame spreads far and wide.
Forever Dormo
Wasnt it a wartime saying about the Yanks - "over sexed, over paid and over here." And that will apply today.
As you say they are also over hyped. The technical failings in English players were cruelly exposed. There are none applying their trades abroad, the skilful players in the Premiership tend to be from overseas.
There has been the usual playing people out of position, selection errors with the odd player left at home and taking risks with injuries. Most other countries fans can point to the same failings.
We often say a team sometimes isnt the sum of its parts, it may just be that in Englands case we truely are. Good players but few world class.
If Mido eyes Boro return - then he need to play better than McDonald, Boyd or Hooper etc , me thinks.
English players just arenâÂÂt good enough, and I think most of us have known this for a long time. Half of the players if not more in the starting line ups in the EPL are not English. No English players play abroad. And in EuropeâÂÂs premier club competition the Chimps League how many English players compete? 25-30? How many Brazilians? Over 100! Over 100 and itâÂÂs a European Competition!!
We had to pick a 40yr old keeper from a team that finished bottom. A centre half that has been woeful for his club, with no pace and no experience of big games. Not to mention Emile Heskey, SWP etc etc
Apart from the obvious European employment laws I donâÂÂt think UefaâÂÂs new plan of bringing domestic players into the match day squad will work. You just get Chelsea buying Ross Turnbull to keep up their quota. He never gets near the 1st team and is third choice behind a Czech and a very old and dodgy Portuguese. Terrible career move.
CanâÂÂt we reintroduce the 3 foreigners only? In the short term it may harm the English eliteâÂÂs chances in Europe but would boost the English national team. Which is more important?
Luckily I watched the match at home on the BBC (despite several invitations to represent England at BBQs) - the pre-match pundits were still advocating that England could go on to reach the final and that man-for-man England were far superior.
Post-match the same pundits disected and shredded the whole team and management, along with the structure of English football - strange that they forgot to mention all that before the match.
Next comes the naivety of the the journos who ask whether Capello will do the decent thing and resign from his remaining ã12m contract. Whether football, politics or business, the English solution seems to be if you throw enough money at something it will be better. If further proof were needed, we also hear this morning that together Rooney, Gerrard, Terry and Lampard earn more money each year than the entire German squad.
With England, it's the same old hype of believing a collection of individuals will somehow manage to perform better than a team. We saw against USA, Algeria and Slovenia the limitation of a side that never gelled as a team - Germany just exposed it further.
Anyway, the party still continues over in Germany and the cars still fly the flags - though despite two four goal victories, few people here are still believing they can win the world cup - delusion it seems is more of an English quality.
As for the future - no doubt the FA will blow another fortune on dumping Capello and will try for (and fail) in persuading another foreign coach who has the advantage of speaking English (such as Hiddink) before reluctantly giving Harry a go at the job.
Well, I dont suppose any of us were so surprised to see England lose but the manner of the capitulation was shocking.
England as a team and as a group of players are over rated mainly by the English media. One pundit i heard expressed surprise that England were third favourites with the bookies to win the tournament. He clearly doesn't understand how bookies set odds, its certainlynothing to do with a teams potential or performance.
England under performed and consequently we were cut to ribbons, if we'd put in an average performance I suggest we'd have lost by a goal, if we'd over performed then maybe we'd be getting ready today to be slaughtered by Argentina.
Still, the sound of the Smithys hammer on the Boro forge sounds promising, Andy Murray is clearly going to be Wimbledon champion this year and my Summer holiday is only a few weeks away so plenty to look forward to!
Onto something more weighty than the failings of the Golden Generation, specifically Midough.
Returning Middlesbrough fit and committed to the cause would be a boost to the playing side. As with investments past performance is not necessarily a guide to the future but in his case he has previous.
If he does come back that will surely have an impact on the scope for new players. I think we all worked on the assumption that somehow he wouldnt be back.
Over to you Vic, have we a servicable dry dock large enough to do the servicing on the rusting hulk? He certainly wont fit into our smithy.
Can we afford to refurbish him and let him loose on the Championship? Will that then reduce any money available to purchase new items from the catalogue?
Long and very quiet drive back from Bloemfontein this morning. Not much to add to what i said on Saturday: too slow, caught on the break last two goals. Dont think it would have made a difference if the goal was allowed they were streets ahead of us in all departments.
General talk from all England fans i have spoken to is SA is a great place to visit, all the hype about dangers not on view. Pity Englands games were played in between great days out to spoil things.
Hope everybody has a safe trip back and i will be at the Boro in September.
Eric Paylor reported today that -
"A fresh push will also be made to try to tie up a deal with Celtic for Stephen McManus, whose loan deal runs out on Wednesday."
Does that mean he would have returned for pre-season today with Boro?
.
Smog
Throw in the other South American players as well.
There is a bleat about the number of games we play and being tired. Many of the South Americans play in European competitions so end up playing additional matches on top of the domestic games.
They jet backwards and forwards over the Atlantic to play in their qualifying competition which is 18 matches long. They are forever playing friendlies around the globe.
The fact of the matter is that, as you, Werdermouth and the vast majority of posters on here know, we just are not good enough. The players try but cannot change what they are, it is just good against better footballers.
End of story, full stop, finito benito.
Now what is going on at the smithy?
"CanâÂÂt we reintroduce the 3 foreigners only? In the short term it may harm the English eliteâÂÂs chances in Europe but would boost the English national team. Which is more important?"
Club football every time for me - I'd rather see the Boro pick up a cup than England any day and I'd rather be watching the best players playing here week in week out (obviously in the EPL not the Championship).
Go back to the 70's, 80's, and even the 90's when there wasn't a vast influx of foreign players and the national team was still rubbish, what was the excuse then?
It's all about grass roots and the football mentality on this island, playing on full size pitches, "getting in to them", parents screaming on the side of the pitches, "if in doubt kick it out".
There should be much more 5-aside football, small goals, can't kick it over head height till at least the age 14, where the focus should be on ball control, touch, technique and movement - not how hard the big lad can kick it!
Perhaps the Boro Blacksmith can wave a red hot poker in Mido's direction to encourage him on his way?
Somewhere on the virtual training ground a deadly finisher is going through his stretching exercises.
A cross between Jimmy Greaves and Clint Eastwood, he lurks at the far post to turn in number 100 again.
GHW. If Carlsberg did explosive posters.....
Gutted!! -
You're dead right, but changing the country's footie culture needs a far stronger, focused and determined organisation to drive it than the FA. which in my opinion is a weak, amateurish outfit which hasn't got the collective 'bottle' required to make the necessary changes.
I reckon GHW is Uncle Eric in disguise, he glances over AV's shoulder to check when 99 has popped up and quickly hits the send button to poke one home at the goalies near post.
It's the way the Germans train their youngsters that makes them turn out better than us. They start in the Bambinis, aged 4 and work their way up through the age groups. Under 11 football is played 7 a side on a pitch about 1/3 of a normal pitch. Under 13 is 9 a side on a pitch about 2/3 of a normal pitch. 11 a side starts at U15. At the age of 9 the best players get invited to local DFB centres where they train ball skills once a week, in addition to their normal club training.
There is a pyramid system of representative teams working up to the national team.
Would ÃÂzil be the player that he is if his parents had moved to England when he was a baby? I doubt it.
I don't understand this whole Mido, Emnes, Digard thing.
If one of my Mercs was being a bit tempramental when it came to starting, or being heavy on the juice, or even not being quite what I expect from a Mercedes. Then, if I just left it in the garage doing nothing whilst tootling around in my Trabant, I can't quite help thinking that it would be a bit daft to do so. If I could sell it fair enough. But just to leave it in the Garage...
So the Premier League season tires players out, which is why they can't perform at the World Cup eh Fabio? Heitinga, van Persie, Kuyt and De Jong were out there today and Holland did OK, and Tevez, Mascherano and Maxi Rodriguez didn't look that tired last night either. How come this only affects ENGLISH Premier League players eh Fab? Do me a favour."
Ian Gill -
GHw is a much better finisher than Midough. Mind you, if we could only get the Egyptian trim and fit, and hungry (for football, not our local Teesside delicacy), and if we could get him to focus on football for a season, he'd be by far the class act amongst the Championship strikers. On balance there is more chance of England winning a football competition on foreign soil.
Some points:
1. I heard that some pundits said England were, man for man, a better team than Germany. They much have been watching a football competition in a different universe.
2. Werdermouth refers above to the suggestion Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard and Terry between them are paid more than the entire German squad (of 23?). Not good value for money then! More to do with knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.
3. On that basis Schweinsteiger and Oezil must be bargains waiting to happen and would walk into most teams.
4. What happened to "picking on form, not reputation"? Rooney was certainly playing very well for his club until picking up an injury as the end of the season loomed, but for England at this competition he has struggled to control the ball and looked very average, not the budding world-class player many thought he could demonstrate himself to be. He was one of several England "galacticos" to have proved a major disappointment. And Gerrard has gone to South Africa after a poor season, as have others, quite apart from the injured.
5. If that was a golden generation, it proved to be fools' gold.
6. How long will we have to wait for the first book to be published telling, warts and all, what went on amongst the squad? News of the divisions in the team, dislike of the management style that they were presumably happy with in qualification, an explanation of Terry's remarkable press conference about the intended "meeting with the manager"? If he thought he had some of the senior pros standing right behind him when he made the comments, it is unfortunate they appear to have melted into the shadows when he turned round for support!
7. Removing the "break clause" in Fabio's contract a few weeks ago doesn't now seem to have been very wise, does it? What a potentially expensive bit of editing, at ã6M a year if he is prevailed upon to call it an early day.
8. England, as I am sure I have said before, always talk themselves up as a football team. Winning the World Cup once, when it was played at home and when most home countries who are half decent tend to do well, isn't very great when is the ONLY time they have troubled the scorers.
Only one other semi-final place, isn't it? Quarter finals is the par-score, so this year was below par even without taking into account the performances against (in the group stage) fairly mediocre opposition.
9. It is right many pundits have hyped up the team and have placed unrealistic dreams on their shoulders. But many supporters have been more than happy to buy into that unrealism. England may have been fairly short odds to win the trophy at Ladbrokes, William Hill and Paddy Power, but I'll bet the odds were a lot more realistic (and long) at the bookies in Rio, Buenos Aires, Madrid and Berlin.
10. In the Shaven Swan discussion turned to the position in the Premier League that a team like England would represent. Obviously the Brazils, Argentines and Germans would be the perennial Champions League protagonists; Holland, Portugal and Spain would be dangerous in the Cup competitions and threaten for what we should still call the UEFA Cup places, whilst Honduras and North Korea might put up a good early season performance against one of the big boys but would almost certainly end up fighting relegation like a Hull City or WBA.
Although it was a surprise to see Italy and France suddenly go into administration, in football terms (like Portsmouth), there was a feeling England was more of a Wigan (in the top league so not starting the Cup competitions in the first couple of rounds, but equally with little chance of getting their hands on a medal of any description). Or maybe a Cardiff City, with a cup win but so long ago that most supporters who now buy the shirt weren't even on the planet when it happened.
Football? It's OK but can hardly compare to a pint of Timothy Taylors, which you know is going to be good from first sight to last sip. And which proves that knowledge to be right. And is just as good on the second pint.....
Must go - getting thirsty as Brazil hits a third goal against Chile.
**AV writes: It's there. He's finally notched the landmark 100th post!
In my column tomorrow I've described England fans as the Geordies of international football, deluded that winning a trophy on Pathe News and taking the most fans away gives them the right to be ex-officio world champions and believing the rest of the world regards them as a footballing superpower while the mocking reality is that they have never since troubled the engravers.
England did not under-achieve. The last 16 is bang on target. They are not an international super-power. Since 1966 they have reached the semi-final once which puts them on a par with South Korea, Sweden, Belgium, Bulgaria, Croatia and Turkey and three times they have failed to even reach the finals but to read some of the more hysterical reaction of what we "should" "expect" to achieve you would think we are direct rivals to Brazil and Germany. Ha!
To put that right it would take a grassroots and youth revolution that would need a fundamental shift in the balance of power and a complete cultural rewiring that would take a generation at least. That won't happen because for all the public breast-beating the people who matter - the owners of the clubs, the vast majority of fans, Sky Sports.... possibly even the players - don't really care because they are more concerned with the health, the finances and the success of their clubs.
It's OK fans. It's not for the Trabant, it's for the glory that I do it.
Where was GHw, but frankly who cares....? (To quote Barry's commentary as GB won the Men's Hockey Olympic gold medal against Germany all those years ago).
Pundits - all Crisps and Ice Cold self centered loons.
Hansen for PM!
Forever Dormo
The list of points to be made about England is limitless but I understand you had to get the post in before GHW.
In AV's response he managed to avoid mentining the FA, maybe because he thinks they dont matter.
As usual SkySports gets a beating largely because they deserve it but the root cause is the behaviour of the kids set loose in the sweetshop.
That grouping includes the FA, the Football League, Premiership, Clubs, players and fans. It is not the fact they have received money but how they have squandered the legacy.
Most fans are more bothered about their own clubs than the national team so put those interests first. We are all guilty of it but those at the smaller clubs probably have more of a community spirit, a bigger longing to see local players do well.
Some of the larger clubs try to bring on local kids but others are a scandal.
Throw money at players and it is thank you very much. You cant blame them for taking what is offered. We were only too happy to fork out huge wages for players late in their careers.
The clubs were happy to be on the gravy train. Some are more fan and community focussed than others but even so the debt problems are affecting many at the top as well as lower down the pyramid.
The football authorities must take a great deal of the blame. The Football League less so than the other two bodies in English football but only because they cannot get their trotters into the same trough. Resources have been squandered on the wrong things. Wembley is a disgrace at the amount it cost, access to it, the surface is appalling and the prices extortionate yet they prevaricate about the centre at Burton.
Governing bodies world wide are no better, we have the poison dwarf at UEFA and the buffoon at FIFA prognosticating. Everyone is to blame but them. They are huge expensive organistaions whose sole aim appears to be self aggrandisement.
Nearly all cars easily exceed the speed limit but it is the drivers who cause the problems. It isnt all Skys fault. Football sold its soul.
Enough of that, what about works in the smithy?
**AV writes: It isn't all Sky's fault. For me the chief reason for England's decline is a deeply engrained part of the English football culture that puts industry and passion ahead of technical ability and tactical flexibility.
We are an insular and pragmatic people with a distrust of "foreign" intellect and imported innovation. While the rest of the world has developed tactically and in terms of preparation, training and mentality and evolved a dynamic game with shifts in shape and tempo to suit the score and tone of a particualr match we have stuck with a rigid approach and our only response to a tactical conundrum is to up the tempo and go even longer and more direct.
Our approach, especially when taken by the best we have, can be effective when it comes to bludgeoning smaller, weaker second string nations but until we can somehow become wired into the global football conscious England will always fail against sides who technically proficient, tactically aware and physically strong.
The decision to be made is do we want to change our style to see the national team flourish and grow which will mean a radical change in culture and grassroots organisation? Or are we happy to remain in splendid isolation watching the high-tempo, most direct and occasionally most exciting domestic football in the world?
In the extract from your column you exactly hit the nail on the head AV. I heard the loony, but often correct Alan Green, suggest that England supporters should boycott the upcoming and meaningless friendly against Hungary at Wembley, a game only arranged to help towards paying off the massive debt that is the white elephant Wembley Stadium. But of course it won't happen.
I can remember many, many years ago debates around England's failure to compete against the top footballing nations. History,and my late dad, told me that it emanated from England being massacred by the Hungarians at Wembley (the first ever home defeat by a foreign team) and again by the same team a year later in Budapest.
I can recall pundits years ago,eg Jimmy Hill, suggesting that we cannot learn to play the foreign way, because English supporters wouldn't wear it.
Anyone who's watched the Bundesliga on Sky, Friday evenings, will have noted the healthy state German football seems to be in, with full houses at every ground. But most relevant is the fact that the Germans play their football exactly the way their international team plays, a bit less frenetic than the English game, more thoughtful and with greater technical skills.
As with the Spanish, Italians etc, etc, it all stems from grass roots and a different philosophy of how the game should be played. 1966 was fantastic, but it's legacy has been to encourage the English game to stand still.
I have a good mate who is a season ticket holder at Charlton (poor soul)and he assures me that Nickey Bailey is by far and away the best player in league one, likely to do very well for Boro.
What do you think is missing from English football then?
For some time now our England youth teams have been doing reasonably well in competitions. Most recently our U21s went to the final (ironically losing to Germany) and our U17s won the European Championships beating the Spanish.
Now the only thing I can think of to explain this (since Capello said few of the U21 players are good enough) is that all the other teams have already moved their best players into their national teams while our U21 team still has the better players representing it.
But for U17 level that is surely not the case, so does that mean we have lots of great potential there? How many will actually make it?
Look at the case of Adam Johnson. 22 years old and only just becoming a first team regular in the Premier League (although I felt he was a late bloomer) whereas in Germany, Ozil is already an integral part of the German team at the age of 21.
Personally I couldn't give a stuff about the England team.
My last coments on England is that they should not have a national white elephant but play their games at the big grounds around the country as per the Sprinboks do this side.
East London got no games and no teams staying there in the World Cup so the Sprinboks come to town and fill the stadium and by all accounts enjoyed the day.
We did this while Wembly was being built and i feel the England team became more part of the nation then than they are now.
AV
I agree with what you said in response to my post.
It appears that foreign football has moved on. We do not appear as athletic as teams such as Germany and Holland never mind as technically proficient. Maybe Strachan has it right when he says you have to be in tip top shape to play really well at the highest level.
Whilst I always thought of Howard Wilkinson as a bit of a dinosaur, the work he did to provide a blueprint for football was very good with the emphasis on technique for very young players. It got lost in the FA as did the ideas of Brooking.
It does not explain why Wenger has struggled to produce good English players. If we can produce two England left wingers he should be able to manage it with his undoubted talent from the huge pool of players that exists in London.
With David Dein as his mentor they turned a small Belgian club into a finishing school for players from Africa. Belgium, has less stringent rules about EU qualification so allowing these players to easily play all over europe.
The informed view was that the quality overseas players would raise the standard of British players. That didnt happen because clubs were bothered about the here and now and a fear of losing out on TV money. Instant gratification replaced building a sound development programme.
The influx of foreign owners and managers has made the situation worse. The managers want players whom they relate to whilst the owners have seen the glamour and want a piece of the action.
It seems unlikely we will see many Brookings, Hoddles, Waddles and Gazzas because those roles are filled by ready made overseas players. There again they were always treated with suspicion when they were playing because they tried to be creative.
Anyway, what news from the smithy.
**AV writes: Bailey is out of the forge, has passed quality control and is on a cooling rack ready to be used from July 1st. A couple of others are on the anvil and being hammered into shape as we speak.
There's also some unwanted shop soiled sale items being sold door to door around the country right now to raise money for more pig-iron and coke.
What I have seen of the Boro this season (the Ipswich and Chesterfield matches) it stands out like a sore thumb that if the Boro play football and keep the long balls down to a minimum and only resort to it in emergency clearances, they are much more effective with their neat passing game.
In most instances their long ball up the field to midget strikers is a sure way to give the opposition the posession without fail. It is obvious that both Boyd and McDonald require the services of one-two play where they are fed the ball on the ground and into open spaces.
I have been informed by a golfing mate who is a dyed in the wool Rangers supporter that both these players will score goals for the Boro with the right sort of service. Another point is that when coming out of defence the Boro tend to pass the ball around without ever drawing an opponent out of position, which means the opposing team just back peddle and have ten players behind the ball, with the Boro passing in prety patterns achieving nothind in regards to penetrating the opposing defence.