April Fools?
RIGHT, you're all adults. And very astute. The sharpest dressed, best informed bunch among the cyber-space Borognescenti. So I won't be trying to pull your collective leg with any of those April Fool japes. Oh no.
I thought about it to brighten up tomorrow morning. But then I thought what the hell, let's get in early and run a cynical spoiler today. But what? I thought about a shock horror outrage exclusive that Sean St Ledger was the latest in the litigation queue outside the High Court sueing Boro for ã1m in unpaid loyalty bonuses, plus sporting, economic and image rights. But I didn't want to give him ideas.
I thought about revealing the PR breakthrough news that Boro bosses had finally decided to give in to Red Faction demands for a flag-waving singing section - but also planned to balance up the ying/yang demands of non-noisy diehards by introducing a quiet section inside sound-proofed perspex where singing, chanting and mobile phones were banned. But I didn't want to give them ideas.
I thought about doing a "Where Are They Now" flash-back piece complete with interview and archive screen shots of old Gazette back pages featuring the man who was almost Boro's first ã1m signing. Older readers may remember Norwegian schoolboy sensation Olaf Lipor, who had scored with a header from the half-way line on his international debut and who -incredibly - was a diehard Boro fan and had the middle name 'Hickton' because his dad had been a Teesside rigger on shore leave in Tromso. (Incidently he is now manager at OFP Arioll.) But that sounded like too much hard work Photoshopping.
Then I considered a "political correctness gone mad" Littlejohn rant at the stupidity of barmy Brussells equality laws on workplace diversity and inclusion that were to come into force on April 1st and would outlaw over the top office banter and ban derogatory terms and phrases like "pasty munching monochrome Mackem" and make it illegal to have a canteen chat about the game without giving equal airtime to outcast rival supporters.
Others on the bench: pictures of the new pink away kit leaked; Brad Jones signs new improved five year deal; Boro green/yellow initiative, car park E to be turned over to cultivation of rape seed as club look to increase revenue and cash in on EU biofuel grants; Third statue planned for Riverside.... Keith Lamb to be immortalised; Boro find work permit application approval - 15 years late! Igor Cvitanovic deal finally goes through. Free agent Juninho poised for six match loan deal... that one always gets the juices of the acolytes flowing.
But then I thought you imagineers of Boro folklore could all do better than that. So get thinking and we'll have some fun.
IN THE TABLOIDS....
Come on you Irons? West Ham will be the claret and pinks next term as they complete a shirt sponsorship deal with sex shop chain say the Daily Mail
Keep up ref! The man in black will turn to a high-tech answer to the increasing pace of the game, say the Sun
**********************
Meanwhile, a quick plug for the Big Boro Survey, an on-line snapshot of public opinion as we go into the final straight and into a summer of turmoil after what has alsready been a season of dislocation.
Have your say on Southgate, Strachan and the squad and www.gazettelive.co.uk here
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Anthony Vickers
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AV - good job you didn't go for the Brad Jones 5-yr deal one, I think you might have overloaded the Gazette server!
You could have gone for a breaking news - Leicester, Swansea, Forest, Cardiff, Donny, Blackpool, Brom all simulataneously gone into Administration and docked 10 points. Well, it's the only way we'll make the play offs this season!
Either that or Strachan exclusive: "Yes, Arca is a bit cack really isn't he, but what can I do, Keith put a clause in his contract stipulating he must play 70% of the games in a season..."
Very funny, Vic.
How about something outrageous like "Boro to field the same back four on Saturday as last game" ?
or
"lead weights found and removed from Arca's boots: play-offs here we come" ?
Did the online survey. Some questions were easy but eithers required a 'God only knows' box to tick or 'none of the above'.
For tomorrow how about an 'Arsene Wenger sees Arsenal foul' story. Ditch that one because there has to be some element in truth to the story, it has to be believable.
How about MFC stewards going to charm school?
MFC launch new initiative to attract fans back to the stadium.
I've heard a rumour from a reliable source within the club that Arca is to be given a 2 year extension to his contract. Beggars belief !
Who the hell thought the ' land crab ' is worth a new deal ?, unless it's to cash in on a bit of money when we sell him.
I'm gonna have to become a sad mackem if this is true, ye gods and little fishes.
Hmm. I see you've not scoured the Scottish rumour mill for this piece AV. Word up here is that not only do Celtic want to be taking McManus back, but they are also keen on talking WGS back to rekindle some of the most successful years they have had this last decade or so, especially on Europe.
No doubt the news will break tomorrow.
**AV writes: Good: easy back page on a quiet day.
Due to the fact that Alves current employee has missed payments on his transfer fee and are in financial meldown his transfer has been made null and void - and so returns to Boro in time for Palace game
Those japes all seem to be aimed at winding Boro fans up.
Why not say the truth about Boro having Jaguar sponsorship all around the stadium(next seasons main sponsor perhaps?) and who is Jaguar owned by? TATA. Thats sure to wind a lot of people up
How about this? The FA will finally return the points deducted from Boro in our relegation season of 1996âÂÂ97 - so we still have a chance to get to the play-offs! See last page: An emotional comment from Juninho.
The FA have announced that they will have ex professionals from the game sitting on disciplinary tribunals. They are also going to include offences already dealt with by referees and those missed and cited using video evidence. It has also been announced that Steve Gerrards amnesty from refereeing sanctions will be ended.
With Garmin's sponsorship ending in May it is understood that Keith Lamb is in talks with Mike Ashley's Sports Direct empire with a view to them taking over as shirt sponsor for the 2010-11 season.
They are also considering an offer from the same company for sponsorship of the Riverside Stadium. Several names have been put forward, however, the Gazette understands that "Premiership at St James and not @ the Riverside Stadium.com" is the preferred choice.
Boro believe they have found a sensational short-cut back into European football - through Scotland!
The club will stun football today when they apply to join the Scottish pyramid system via a loophole in UEFA rules designed to allow "foreign" teams to play in neighbouring leagues if there is "a strong cultural case."
Swansea and Cardiff play in England and Monaco play in France while Boro boss Gordon Strachan has detailed knowledge of the rules after being involved in Celtic's investigations into a switch south of the border.
Now he could be going the other way after persuading Steve Gibson that Boro are strong enough to challenge for the Champions League in Scotland.
And early soundings suggest that Glasgows Old Firm will support their application to parachuted into the Scottish top flight because both Celtic and Rangers believe if successful it will path their own way into the Premier League.
If you lot are going to be like that, I'll make my way to the "Ploated Pheasant" and sample the ales on sale tonight (a "Beer Festival" week - with plate of fine cheeses and biscuits for ã4 and the usual fillet steak for a tenner). Life is hard.
Unless, that is, it's true that suspicious betting patterns have just been identified in last year's Premier League home games involving Newcastle, WBA and Hull City, and therefore it is intended:
(1) to relegate those teams two divisions and
(2) to return the disadvantaged Middlesbrough to Premier League status next season to Hull City's detriment (whatever the respective league positions this season). With a full apology and a guarrantee we will start next season with three "bonus" points so wrongfully taken away some time ago.
MFC: In an attempt to fill the ground until the end of the season and boost Boro's slim chances of getting into the playoffs, today we announce that tickets will be on general sale for a fiver.
Season Ticket Holder's Spokesperson: "Fantastic. We support any proposal that might help the team."
**AV writes: No one will believe that last bit.
Anouncing next years away shirts as green & white hoops would have been a good one
FIFA: MFC will not end in 2012
A FIFA scientist has condemned football supporters over a viral blogging campaign that suggests the Boro will come to and end in season 2011- 2012.
Untypical Boro set up a website for an organisation called the Institute for Premiership Continuity which predicts a cataclysmic event for MFC two years from now when parachute payments end.
It suggests that "after two decades of rigorous efforts from the worlds top midfielders, strikers and innumerable full backs, we know that in 2012 a series of cataclysmic managerial and executive forces will wreak havoc on our club".
According to the website scientists have been tracking a previously unknown Planet League 2, which is on the edge of the football system and on a collision course with The Riverside Stadium.
But the site has been so successful that hundreds of people have been convinced that something terrible is about to befall the Boro.
Dr David Dickinson, a senior scientist at NASAâÂÂs Astrobiology Institute, said he had received more than 100 inquiries from worried members of the remaining Red Card holders. âÂÂI have assured them that not getting promotion this season will not be the end of the worldâ he said.
Boro plan to solve their virus crisis by giving a shock Riverside debut to Steve Gibson.
The chairman insists on being officially registered with the FA as a player every year as part of living his boyhood dream... but he never expected to ever actually play.
But as Boro Flu continues to spread through the squad boss Gordon Strachan only has 10 fit players and with the loan transfer window shut the chairman will be named in the squad for the Crystal Palace game.
"He has played for Bulkhaul for 25 years and could have been a professional if not for his business interests," said Dave Allen. "He has been training all week at Rockcliffe and can't wait."
Goalkeeper Danny Coyne may also be drafted in to play up front alongside Lee Miller.
.."Goalkeeper Danny Coyne may also be drafted in to play up front alongside Lee Miller."
That's taking it a bit too far, who would believe that Miller could play up front?
The introduction of Theo Walcott at 66mins 38secs resulted in the first English player to appear in the match.
How about:- Small town in Europe makes it through to European Final!
Nah, no-one would ever believe that one.
How about Steve Gibson's recouped enough money and has now decided to permanently move to the relative calm of a nearby island and sell the club.
Before he took off on a private jet from Teeside Airport, he officially handed the keys of the Chairmen's office over to new owner, Keith Lamb to run things on a shoe-string budget.
"I am leaving the club in the very capable hands of my right-hand man, Keith Lamb. I know that you will all join me in wishing Keith every success in ensuring that Boro become a club that Teesside can afford. I wish everyone well."
How about: Kieth Lamb signs someone within hours of being told he is available.
Or... signs a player to an extended contract before the players previous one ran out.
I see the hoax in wikipedia is that the Russian billionaire, Oleg Deripaska, is now the new owner of Middlesbrough F.C. If only it was true.
I canâÂÂt believe it. The club have gone too far this time with their penny pinching. Whilst some of you seem oblivious posting errant nonsense on the blog, no one has mentioned todayâÂÂs devastating news. I canâÂÂt believe they club are do away with Roary the Lion.
He is the mane reason many young fans get interested in the club. I think the club have given him a roar deal over the years anyway. I only hope he can get him self another club from the jungle of the job centre and claw his way back into the football league.
But fear not mascot lovers. I will step into the breach. Clad in SpeedoâÂÂs with the catchy theme tune
L L L L Leroy Lita
L L L L Leroy Lita (la bamba)
**AV writes: We understand Roary is in talks with speedway outfit Redcar Bears. Exclusive story on www.gazettelive.co.uk
Paul Gascoigne is heading up a consortium to buy cash strapped Middlesbrough Football Club from Steve Gibson.
It is believed he has gained significant funding from Scottish and Newcastle breweries and to help increase club coffers he will be releasing a song called the "The Smog on the Tees is all mine all mine".
Gascoigne was unavailable from comment last night as he was in police custody due to being caught driving a coach whilst drunk through Linthorpe village.
The MFC website has outdone the Roary story in the Gazette.
Strachan says that the same mob that played at Watford are going to play against Palace - with the possible exception of McDonald who we can, apparently, only get one of the two Easter games out of rather than two.
He seems desperately unimpressed with Jay O'Shea too. If he can't get a game on the flanks in a side with Barry Robson square pegged out on the right instead of bossing the centre and Arca on the left he really must be poor.
Problem is, whilst the Gazette piece was a deliberate joke........
Forget April Fools, I have it straight from a close and trusted friend (ie a reporter from the Daily Star) that the real reason Boro have decided to dispense with Roary's services is that he has been having a relationship with Katie Price aka Jordan. Watch this space for more world exclusives folks.
As far as I am concerend the only fools this April are those who will be at the Riverside on Saturday but here goes....
Riverside to be demolished as part of the Middlehaven Revitalisation scheme. Boro to merge with Darlington and use their stadium.
It will save a lot of commuting costs from hurworth says excited chairman Steve Gibson.
Tony Black fronts supporters trust campaign to have Gareth Southgate reinstated.
From Scottish press today... this is serious..
LOANS OUT: Stephen McManus had a huge decision to make when he was offered the chance to swallow his pride and swap the club captaincy at Celtic for life as a loan signing at Middlesbrough.
He is loving life on Teesside, where his performances have quickly led to calls for Boro boss Gordon Strachan to make the deal permanent.
Having been left in no doubt by Tony Mowbray he was surplus to requirements at the club he joined as a kid, it appeared the best solution for all concerned.
All that was left to do was hammer out a transfer fee.
However, the change of manager at Parkhead has put any decision about the big defenderâÂÂs future on hold.
McManus is the most high-profile player sent out on loan by Mowbray, but there are plenty of others about to come back in from the cold, wondering if the new boss will find room for them in his plans.
Rhys Williams talking about the premiership, Roary the Lion and Strachan saying same again.
It is a bit like 'Call my Bluff' but it was easier on TV than picking the April Fool out of those three.
For the younger bloggers it was a genteel panel game, the sort which did not need lewd and crude to make it mildy entertaining.
Steve Gibson announces major re-structuring to MFC following completion of 'root and branch' investigation into last years disastrous premier league campaign:
10% of club to be sold to Boro supporters trust, with one supporter elected to the board.
Juninho to be appointed Director of Football
The training complex to be re-named 'Crockcliffe' (just for you that one Ian!!)
The Riverside to be expanded to its maximum 40000 seat potential in anticipation of overwhelming season ticket demand following the restructuring announcement.
And finally...... the Easter Bunny signed on a short term loan deal to cover the striker crisis in final push for a play off place.
Boro finally recognise the talent of David Goodwillie and try to sign him.
How about....
Steve Gibson insisted he will do every thing to get boro back into premier league?
Axed mascot Roary will sue Boro over image rights. The loveable lion, one of Boro's biggest earners, is shocked to released by the team he supported as a cub.
But he is furious that the club shop are still selling cuddly toys, bibs and kiddies t-shirts with his image on and is demanding a cut of profits.
How about this scoop?
Boros recently signed mossy clodfiles may actually get a full 90 minutes of football?
Its believed that the Gazette have teamed up with Boro to provide "live coverage" of the long awaited event.
In the context of this thread, the following has been reported:
Michel Platini has tendered his resignation to UEFA after accepting the vacant position of CEO of the English FA.
Having beaten off challenges from other hopeful candidates for the position, including Mr Steve McClaren and Mr Steve Gibson, Mr Platini declared that it was important to introduce reform to the game of football in England. "And who better to do it than an impartial outsider?", he asked rhetorically.
Platini claimed to have already received warm congratulations from Richard Scudamore at The Premier League, from Sir Alex Ferguson and the Chairmen of Wigan, Tottenham Hotspur and several other Premier League Clubs.
It seems Sheik Mansur has acted swiftly to ensure Mr Platini gets off on the right foot. It is understood that the Manchester City owner has already invited Mr Platini and his associates to join in constructive talks in the Conrad Resort on Rangali Island in the Maldives which, it is rumoured, the Sheik has apparently leased from The Hilton Group for a conference of directly interested parties in the future direction of Football in the UK.
It is apparently Mr Platini's understanding that the talks will be entirely businesslike on the strength of the all-male working parties being given the opportunity to have their respective partners flown to Milan or Rome for a Health Spa and designer shopping break, while the gentlemen get down to the serious business of discussing the future of English football in considerable depth, away from the everyday pressures of World Cup preparation and Wayne Rooney's ankle.
It is understood that special teams of carefully-selected administration assistants have already been assembled and are being flown by special charter to the remote island in preparation for the arrival of the all-male delegation.
The specially-trained assistants, many already known to several of the parties and who may have been recommended by Roman Abramovich, will meet all of the delegates' needs and provide whatever support as will be required throughout the high level conference.
An unidentified spokesperson for the organising committee said, "There is much to be discussed and it is expected that delegates will find themselves working long into the night to bring matters to a satisfactory climax. There is considerable optimism and there is clearly an expectation for bodies coming together, and for parties, âŠâŠâŠâÂÅ to agree on how the game should be moved forward."
In hosting the delegate conference Sheik Mansur must surely be hoping that common sense will prevail and that a consensus view will be reached on any proposed Government regulation of English Football and that those who have so much invested in the game [the supporters] should not be allowed to compromise the global revenue generation potential that has been recognised and used to such effect by Messrs Scudamore and Murdoch.
Clearly there is much water to run under the glass-bottomed villas before such a consensus may be reached, but optimism and enthusiasm amongst the delegates for the hard negotiations ahead, is understandably high.
"We're in this for the long haul - well, some of us are!", another spokesman (who asked to remain anonymous) for the Premier League said. "We've just about got the game where we want it to be - as you can see the seeds we sowed when we introduced TV and global media to the game is already bearing fruit, big-time! Just wait and see whose at this conference! It's gonna be brilliant! If Bernie and Lakshmi take up their invitations from the FA we'll be well away!"
"What we need now is for Platini and his people to see the sense of what we're trying to achieve here", he continued. "Bringing him into the fold will give him the opportunity to understand better how things work and see first hand what the benefits are. He's been out in the cold for too long."
Anthony Vickers of the Evening Gazette who suggested that this sounded like keeping one's enemies even closer than one's friends, was invited to participate in the forthcoming conference as an official reporter. Mr Vickers was later unavailable for comment, but has been reported as seen leaving Gazette Towers in the presence of six Israelis with British passports.
April fools is over but still.....
*How about Gibson calling the people of Stockton Mackems? - That would never happen.
*Changing the club badge to something looking cheap and nasty so other teams in Europe would know that we have a longer history than just from 1986, but failing to ever play in Europe again?
Away from the april fools, I read this story on mfc.co.uk, oh dear. Is this how all season card holders feel?
http://www.mfc.co.uk/articles/20100401/boro-pride-through-thick-and-thin_70639_2009188
If you are not a SC holder you don't have an opinion according to this woman. How embarrassing is the article let alone the fact the club list the names the first (only) 11 people who have renewed. Is this the starting 11 for next season?
There is really no hope for this club if this ridiculous attitude towards running a club continues.
REDCAR TIM
Your rught about that article! The woman must have been released into the community. Really bad PR from the club to publish such comments. PS are you a season ticket holder? No, then shut up then!
Redcar Tim and John Walker -
Maybe the names were changed to safeguard the innocent. I believe no fans were hurt in the writing of the article. It may be an April Fool and nobody has actually renewed.
Nigel -
I think Crockcliffe was one of John Powls inventions. I am guilty for Argentinean Land Crab and Corporal Jones.
Newcastle have announced a merger with Middlesbrough so they can boast recent silverware acquisitions.
I do worry about next season, I mean really worry.
Redcar tim,
Come on son. WhatâÂÂs to worry about? WhatâÂÂs the worst that can happen? Lose two cup finals and get relegated on the last day of the season? Throw away games in the dying minutes? Get walloped at home 5-0?
Nothing that can happen next season wonâÂÂt have happened to us before. We can handle it. In fact we love it. WeâÂÂll be fine next year. I promise*
* This is not one of your namby pamby promises you give to the wife. I mean it. My word is my Bond. You can put my word in the bank.
"Newcastle have announced a merger with Middlesbrough so they can boast recent silverware acquisitions."
Oh god, you cant even have a light hearted thread on a blog without peoples obsessions about Newcastle coming to the fore. Absolutely pathetic.
Ian Wood needs to get the Sarsons out to sprinkle on the king sized chips on his shoulders
What is amazing is the fact the teams around us will be cutting each others throats whilst we wil be playing teams at the bottom of the table in our next three matches. How we are still in touch (albeit distant) shows the paucity of the competition.
Someone is going to put a run together whilst Leicester are struggling. Doesnt anyone want to get promoted this season?
Our resident punter at work is tipping Reading to continue their late run and get into the play offs.
His neutral wish is for Forest v Leicester and Cardiff V Swansea play off matches. No love lost between those pairings especially the Welsh contest.
You can make up as many funny April Fools as you like but you've all been outdone by todays headlines; 'Strachan want to entertain Boro fans'.
You couldn't make it up, could you?
Too late for April Fool I know, but>>>>
Richard delivers a post of less than one paragraph
Sorry mate!
Surely the Easter Bunny was signed because he is good in the air?
The Easter Bunny was good in the air? No. Good in a casserole, though!
A very Happy Easter to Anthony, his family and all fellow Bloggers!
It's 23 degrees over here and the sun is out. Nothing like the warm spring air to warm the spirits!
Six points in our pockets from the next two matches. Nothing else will do.
Scunthorpe ~ Booooooooooo.
Up the Boro!
Paul Bell
Lighten up, it is only a bit of fun. No Geordies were harmed in the making of the jest. April Fool is about nothing serious.
Boro fans have laughed at themselves for years.
So with Leicester losing their second game in a week, it leaves Boro needing to beat Palace tomorrow to complete Phase I of the 'Boro can still sneak into the play-offs' theory that I advocated earlier in ealier in the week.
OK, it seems we must also now overcome the tangerine threat but hopefully their games against Newcastle, Forest and Donny will give a rude awakening to their play-off dreams.
So come on Boro, a play-off place is still there for the taking if you want it badly enough - show us that you're the team of men that we have been lead to believe Strachan carefully assembled.
Plus since Gordon is now promising the faithful entertainment, it may well be a thoroughly enjoyable end to the season - or do you think he may not have meant it that literally?
Yes, WBA won. A certain James Morrison opened the scoring with a fine strike from the edge of the box - his first goal since January 2009. So back from an injury. He used to be my favorite player some years ago.
If we win the three coming matches against lesser opponents we have a chance - especially so as we are still to play Leicester! I had lost my hope but now ... Up the Boro!!!
Mrs Dormo will be making a rare Riverside appearance on Saturday, for the Palace game, as one of my mates can't go this week and it would be a shame to waste the Season Card. Question is, where should GS2 play her?
If Arca is picked wide left OR wide right, beware the possibility that if he comes as near to the sidelines as he SHOULD be all game, he might be bundled off the pitch and replaced by an 8st 2lb bundle of energy.
She's quicker than Arca in thought and deed and unlike him she has a right foot that isn't just for standing on.
Admittedly she isn't too good in the air at 5ft 5in but Arca doesn't exacly shine in that department does he?
But, believe me, the referee wouldn't DARE argue with her. No swearing in the West Stand, lads!
Good result for us at West Brom but Blackpool spoiling the party.
Must start with Lita and Killen up front with the new lad out wide.
Hoping for two wins this weekend and results to go our way elsewhere.
Have been away but late April fool.... Count Lamb murders defence and scores hatrick for Boro in blood curdling match,must have been a night game then.
If we singed Marvin Morgan from Aldershot, Permotion wood be in the bag.
Well, I was kept out of the match today by a certain Mr. Mosso Cloudfiles.
Bummer. - Not because I missed the match, but because I missed the banter. That is the highlight of my week, getting to chat with fellow Smoggies.
Hopefully I will be allowed to play on Monday. I will be at work but so what. The boss will have to fire me to stop me getting my fix. See you all then.
Come on you Reds!!!