Celebrity Pig Flu Porkies?
HOW TABLOID panics work.....
"FEARS were rising today that Premier League stars were at risk from the deadly swine flu pandemic after a midfield ace was infected by his WAG babe...."
Cue hysterical unsubstantiated tabloid stories about entire teams being tested, stars in quarentine, matches at risk and crowds wearing face masks.
The story has everything - easy headlines, pressing the populist panic buttons, picture of scantily clad honey, link with Premiership footballer. You couldn't make it up. Or could you? Well...
Yes, the 'Babe' was in Mexico, right at the epi-center of the porcine pestilance that is now poised to wipe out those tattered fragments of humanity that have survived bird flu, Sars and the Millenium bug... but it was four months ago. Long before the scare story was even a germ of a news item. The whole story is is 'hogwash'.
The boring truth about 'Matthew Bates Pig Flu Terror' was revealed in today's Gazette.
So forget "fears" of a ring of steel being thrown around Hurworth by quasi-military medical shock troops, players sealed in isolation units or the match being called off.
Good work by her agent though, bagging valuable column inches on the back of pork plague fears. And no doubt a few bob for the "my pig flu hell" story.
The club should get Boro branded surgical face masks in the shop quickly to cash. We can all wear them when we go to Newcastle.
Older/Newer
« Have Sands Shifted In Boro's Favour? | Meek Show Piles Pressure on D-Day Derby »
30 Comments
Leave a comment
Profile
Anthony Vickers
Latest Football League video
Keep up to date
Follow Untypical Boro on
The biggest inaccuracy seems to be that Bates is referred to as a "midfield ace"
Damn those media types for hyping up another non-story again - though nice use of the subtle 'Babe' reference AV in your celeb in pig flu horror holiday paragraph.
I only hope that lucky swine Bates brings home the bacon with his next contract otherwise he may end up squealing if she dumps him.
But I'm worried that footballers in general may be more susceptible to pig flu as they seem to continually have their snouts in the trough - though unfortunately Boro have found that the Alves deal was a bit of pig in a poke.
OK, I think that's enough pig puns for now...
**AV writes: Yes, that's enough hogging the limelight
If Boro's "celebrity" WAG has unwittingly infected Bates who has in turn has spread the virus to the rest of the team you could cruelly post that it's the first time the lads have sucessfully passed anything between themselves all season !
Werdermouth
Looking foward to Saturday, there will be tension crackling in the air.
ManU wont come along to (g)rind out a result, it is not their style to be scratching about. A main danger will be from Ronaldo diving, the last thing we want is a penalty following some ham acting.
A bad result may see the season ticket renewal forms being turned into litter, the match may turn out to be a boar. Lets see us go the whole hog and maybe get the odd streaky goal.
Was it better when I was in exile?
**AV writes: I think sow.
As long at there are no rasher tackles around the box the game should trotter long nicely.
Alan Shearer comes in to take training one day with a big frown. "Howay lads," he said, "gatha roond. Ah divvent knaa 'boot this swine flu, like. Any of youse got any ideas?" Michael Owen says "It's OK, boss, so long as you keep out of the way of any swine then you'll be all right." Alan Shearer's jaw drops, and he goes "Oooah noooah! Ah cannae lick wor pig no more!"
Next day, he comes in for training again, and all his players are waiting for him. Michael Owen says "Boss, have you heard? They've changed the name of swine flu to the H1N1 virus." Alan Shearer says "Ah knaa, ah knaa! It's spread! Not only cannae not lick wor pig, ah cannae lick wor hinny!"
**AV writes: the speed and ingenuity of football fans adopting topical stories as sticks to beat rivals with is hugely impressive.
How can my text entered be wrong, am I not allowed to write what I want?
If you get this one AV it will be my 4th go!
**AV writes: I don't know what I'm doing right but every time I do a test post it gets through no problem.
Good lord , I got one through!
This Captcha is not working for me AV. I have given up on a rant of mine as it seems I am not allowed to get it past my nemesis - the evil Captcha.
AV
I am really pleased you get your posts through OK. The hoops we have to jump through due to Captcha and IT problems is like making a silk purse out of a sows ear!
I think the text issue may be referring to the Captcha text but it is taking at least three goes to get a post through.
Are you sure that nice Mr Lamb didnt send some MFC experts over to 'help'. The clue is that they arrive in Stewards uniforms, MFC ties and as far as I am aware they should arrive with laptops not baseball bats.
Third go
**AV writes: I appreciate the problems but it is beyond my control. I believe similar systems are the norm with most big interactive systems now as auto-spambots become more sophisticated. As people use their e-mail addresses on here it is for the users protection as much as ours.
Typical Boro. Its a right pigs breakfast. Apparently, Our young Mr. BATES has a girlfriend wag that has just come back from Mexico, with you guessed it, Swine Flue. Now she has all the tabloids queuing up with there noses in the trough looking for pics of her crispy bacon tan and those gorgeous ham shanks.
So Alex Fergy the premiers top Hog, will not want his prize porkies wallowing around in the mud with the Boro boars lest they might meat the chop at the Riverside slaughterhouse. You see it could be ground hog day and the Boro might run off with the bacon. Now that would put him in a right piggy mood.
But maybe its all hogwash and Southgate thinks pigs will fly before he gets ruffled over the hole pig sty we are in. I am only trying this one because I am making a pigs ear of this new system. Captcha. I dont know if I am not getting through or your sick of me having a go at your mate Southgate.
"Boro got something from ManUre last season."
"Swine flu?"
"Did they? Well, let's hope the porkers are airborne again tomorrow, then!"
And they say Variety is dead - these are the jokes that killed it!
Fergie wants all 3 points to win the league but if Gate puts out the right players - in the right formation then we may nick something. No more giving the opposition tons of time and space to play though as we will lose again.
Up the Boro
After all this spam I hope we're bristling with confidence and happy to continuing hamming it up!
Alves to score a couple of snorters on Saturday and sow the seeds of recovery.
BTW, whatever happened to Peter Brine?
I hope that theres no PorK Keeping from Brad Jones on Saturday.
I'll get me coat!
Went to the Opera last night.
Not sure it was such a good idea...it was a tragedy...the prisoner died at the end trying to escape...and the fat lady sang and sang.
I think I better give the game a miss this weekend.
If Sir Alex wants the 3 points this weekend his team probably won't have to work too hard to get them.
I've just read Mr Agnew's comment that indicate an attacking line up from Boro tomorrow. Suicide tactics, just like last weekend. Attacking leaves gaps for opposing players to get into, and if we give Manure space to play in they will torture us with their pace and accurate passing game.
I hope this is only Mr Agnew's feeble attempt at trying the pre-match mind game.
(2nd attempt AV)
By the way, after reading about Batesy's girlfriend I rang the Swine Flu helpline, but all I got was crackling on the line!!
4th atempt anyway lets get stuck in against Utd and you never know pigs might fly.
Shearer walked into the changing rooms for the second time with a pig underneath his arm. Viduka said 'thats the second time, where did you get that'
Pig replied 'same place as I got the last one'
Last time I tried to submit this post I hadnt read Agnew's words and still havent.
PS the joke was better first time I tried to send
God this Captcha is frustrating...2nd go.
Very funny blog, just the job to lighten the mood.
Lets hope we win tomorrow to save our bacon
Going up to the match tomorrow, more in hope than expectation. A repeat of last week's insipid display and we'll be cut to ribbons.
As much as I would like to see us win and score goals,it would be equally rewarding to see some full blooded tackles going in and pressing the opposition.Chelsea showed how it can be done against a superior attacking team but then I am assuming Southgate has cottoned on to such a tactical ploy and more worryingly do the players listen?
Oh and I'll have a bacon sandwich before I set off.
If pigs could fly, think of all the crap that would have landed on us this season.
Wait a minute, they can fly cant they.
I think I've got this swine flu.... I've come out in a rash-er!!
Come on Boro
I can feel a typical Boro performance coming on
"ah cannae lick wor hinny"
That's funny! Well done that man!
Just read that Gibson says Southgoat stays no matter what -- Swine fever wold appear to be our only hope !!!
Despite Gibson's vote of confidence, I think if Boro get relegated Southgoat should face the 'Chop'.
However, it feels deep down that we will win today, which will make up for drawing against the Trotters - then victory against Wurst Ham will ensure another season in the top flight.
I agree with the comments from brian b & werdermouth.
What's the point of the much trailed 'review after the season has finished' if one option on the way forward - and a pretty major one too - is taken off the table before you even start?
Actually, it's not just one option - assuming Gothgate stays then presumably that also means the coaching and fitness staff too.
Its not so much the inevitable relegation that angers me but the completely passionless and spineless displays that Boro have given when the chips are down.
Lily livered sums the team up!
We can still stay up if we learn our lessons.
Entirely predictable, a bit of Huff and Puff then after the 1st goal we gave up, no fight or spirit left and again no running off the ball drawing defenders or creating gaps and opportunities.
Our set pieces are an embarrassment, we send the big lads up but we donâÂÂt play it to them or when we do they get underneath the ball because they are stood in the middle of the box instead of running late onto it. As for throw inâÂÂs, its embarrassing, nobody wants it, no tactics prepared just throw it somewhere into play and hope to win possession when it bobbles off the pitch.
We are so pedestrian when in possession itâÂÂs an embarrasing disgrace. You can see from a mile off where our next pass is going. Nobody moves and makes a run to maybe just try and do something different or open up the opposition.
Too many players today didnâÂÂt perform and more importantly to me some looked like they were more focussed on who/where they would be playing next season namely King, Aliadiere, OâÂÂNeil and Downing, others like Hoyte, McMahon and Bates looked out of their depth, Wheats and Huth looked uneasy at best, Tuncay was on another wavelength to the rest of them (not his fault), Jones once again was a huge and nerve jangling liability creating nervous tension around the stadium let alone our back four.
All that said, on the BBC predictor I had us down for a 0-2 defeat today but with a projected home win against Villa and two away draws at the Toon and the Hammers and us staying up by one point.
The slenderest of margins and the slenderest of hopes and on current form IâÂÂm scraping to see where the drive, leadership and inspiration is going to come from. Gareth had better galvanise what little he has left in the 3 remaining games.